00:00:00: Music.

00:00:11: To a new episode of bitch breathe I'm so happy to be here last week was I think.

00:00:17: One of two times throughout this year now that I've been doing this podcast where I didn't record and I really missed it I missed being here and sharing my own little

00:00:28: reminiscent renderings so welcome back to bitch breathe I am your host ricardia.

00:00:35: Today's topic my God I sound like a teacher but I thought about today's subject a lot and I was originally going to call this episode Courage.

00:00:47: Courage however seemed like a really tall order to me what am I going to like

00:00:52: call this episode Courage and then everybody can take advice from me how to be courageous Jesus most days I'm just feeling courageous getting out of bed or getting to work or facing life or whatever it is especially with the background of

00:01:06: post pandemic aftermath whatever it is so I

00:01:10: I didn't really know how am I going to call this episode because I want to talk about this concept of Courage but courage feels a little bit too much

00:01:19: and the other reason I thought about it because every time I think of Courage I actually have a painting in front of my mind's eyes by.

00:01:27: Zenda Lacroix and it's called Liberty Leading the People are Lady Liberty Leading the People and it's this.

00:01:35: Semi bare breasted woman standing on top of a pile of I don't even remember what she standing on top of dead bodies I don't know and she's waving this red flag.

00:01:45: I just thought of the fact that it's a red flag such a different connotation these days but she looks amazing she's just Leading the People it's all about the French Revolution I think and just getting out there

00:01:57: being the flagship of Courage

00:02:00: so when I have that picture in mind I'm like oh my God I really can't talk about courage you know so what I ended up calling the episode and what I want to think about today is

00:02:11: maybe we can try to be brave so that it doesn't become about courage what sometimes feels like a very remote concept but to understand that.

00:02:20: Courage is neither built in a day nor is it necessarily something we can relate to unless we've been through exceptional times which I guess the pandemic counts so why did I even start thinking about this so like many of us I've had.

00:02:35: A bit of a crappy year this year I changed jobs I broke up

00:02:41: again find out more about it in the book and I laugh about it now but sometimes I'm like oh my God what kind of year and I know in all my conversations with you and with friends

00:02:53: that it's been a really really weird ass Year from many people with so many extremes even positive ones to but certainly

00:03:03: extremes that have wanted us to navigate them over and over and over and keep questioning what is right what feels.

00:03:11: Like it's something that needs to be done in this time with the kind of,

00:03:15: time quality that we have at the moment so anyway I figured I can't be the only one who has to muster whatever courage she can find to to get through

00:03:25: whatever it is we're getting through and so I thought to myself well what have

00:03:30: some of the things been that I did to be brave where did I manage to somehow put my next foot forward and then the one after that and I began to review this year

00:03:42: and other occasions before it when I realized that courage isn't something that you have automatically or you display every day courage is actually the result of several different things for me

00:03:55: and one of them have already mentioned it's taking little steps every day I kind of thought of it like

00:04:01: if I take little Brave steps everyday it's kind of like building a credit history right in the states in order to get a credit card I don't know is that still the case you have to

00:04:11: build credit history you have to keep financially showing up for yourself paying your bills and that way the banks or whoever supposed to give you that damn credit card know that you're a reliable financially sound person and your

00:04:26: going to get that credit card is a stupid example in terms of like a financial example but you know what I mean so by taking little steps every day.

00:04:35: To build.

00:04:36: History of personal bravery is a huge step forward and that can mean anything for us write it really depends where we are in our lives it could mean that we.

00:04:48: Take on a new job for me for example I left a job I really love and I

00:04:53: wanted to have more responsibility I wanted to take on leadership and I wanted to do more creative stuff so I switched from a pretty safe job if you will to a freelance one.

00:05:05: And I know that people around me were like are you sure of ricardia I mean there is still a pandemic out there

00:05:12: if you can't work then you don't get paid on those days that's the typical thing people say about employment versus freelance right and I was nervous about it and I didn't really know if I should do this but I decided for myself that

00:05:26: the act of Bravery means that I'm not entirely sure this thing is going to go well I'm not entirely sure that I am not going to fall flat on my face

00:05:35: and I'm going to do it anyway now I don't mean to discourage anyone but I did fall flat on my face.

00:05:43: I ended up absolutely did testing that job and anything to do with it I couldn't wait to get out of there but I decided that that wasn't going to count in terms of my bravery history my bravery history was

00:05:58: I put myself out there and I knew that if I hadn't taken that opportunity at a spend the rest of my life wondering should I have taken that job,

00:06:07: was I brave enough.

00:06:08: And so this way I didn't have to at least in this particular case asked myself was I brave enough because by my standards I was and you'll have your own examples of where you've been brave this year.

00:06:21: Another thing about making little steps towards bravery so that maybe one day we can actually you know order ourselves a big cup of Courage but is to not let the fear of failure or imperfection get in our way

00:06:34: and I used to have a boyfriend who used to always say to me ricardia it's not about perfection producing.

00:06:44: Is much better than perfection

00:06:47: I thought what a brilliant concept you right so it doesn't matter that it's not perfect I mean if I look at my podcast I just sort of went for it I sat there in my closet with a blanket over my head when I first started out and that was my podcast studio right but I produced it.

00:07:04: And I put it out there.

00:07:06: Right and it cost me a lot of Bravery in that moment because you who have been listening for a while no it's an intensely personal,

00:07:14: podcast people especially psychoanalysts if it were interesting enough they could have an easy day at analyzing what kind of person is behind this microphone but I thought no.

00:07:24: I'm not.

00:07:26: I know my skills are probably not perfect but I'm going to do it anyway and so to just sort of understand that if you want to write a book if you want to apply for new job if you.

00:07:37: Want to get married or the opposite leave your partner to know that yes.

00:07:43: You could totally fail whatever that means by the way had I'm not a huge fan of the concept of failure but go back to that podcast episode if you want to know more about it but to understand that we don't have to do this perfectly.

00:07:56: We don't have to look like we're in control the whole time.

00:08:01: I'm by taking out Perfection out of the equation we might actually have some freedom to take a little Brave step or five so if we can be brave then we will be rewarded with not having to be perfect.

00:08:16: What goes hand-in-hand with that of course is that we could be very worried about what other people think.

00:08:22: When we do something that's totally out there by our standards that doesn't matter what anybody else is standards are but if we were Brave and we put ourselves out there then

00:08:33: what can really stop us and be a huge huge hindrance in our lives is

00:08:39: being worried about what other people think and here's something that I really think is part of what I call midlife Magic

00:08:46: is that I'm giving less and less of a shit

00:08:50: as to what people think what do they seriously going to do most people don't have the attention span to focus on what you're doing then there's a whole bunch of people that aren't really that interested in the first place.

00:09:02: And then those who are envious or jealous where they're always going to be there anyway.

00:09:05: So regardless of who your audience is that is stopping you and about whom you're worried that they're going to think of you any differently it doesn't matter.

00:09:15: And if that isn't dire enough I think what's part of midlife magic is that you know our time here is finite.

00:09:23: And that we would do very well to understand whose life is this.

00:09:29: And when we can fully answer that and I can't on everyday but I can on more and more days than we are able to stop worrying about what other people think and just do whatever the hell it is we are called to do.

00:09:43: And that calling can change from day to day it can look erratic to other people it can look way too crazy or irresponsible or maybe it looks you know like it's something.

00:09:54: You will regret later on so be it you'll be able to tell yourself that you were Brave and that you didn't give a shit about what other people thought.

00:10:04: Now we all have good days and bad days so on good days being brave even being courageous will probably come a little more easily

00:10:12: we've slept we maybe had a nice meal we were able to take care of ourselves apart from taking care of everybody and their brother and sister and we have energy on days like this.

00:10:24: I find it easier to access bravery or to make a bold decision but then there's of course other days that make up quite a bit of Our Lives maybe we lost a job maybe we lost a partner.

00:10:37: In some ways maybe we lost our health when this happens when one area of life is under threat in some way.

00:10:46: It has a ripple effect the insecurities

00:10:50: and fear that we now feel around this area in our lives can easily bleed into all others that doesn't mean we're now fundamentally insecure about everything or fearful of everything but our ability

00:11:04: to be brave is very much connected to how positive we view the world so when we.

00:11:12: Are not so able to see things in a positive way because again there's been loss of any number of these things I just mentioned then it's super super difficult to be brave and that's a point where we have to give ourselves a break and no

00:11:25: that just getting up the next day sending out the application for the job is an act of Bravery,

00:11:31: why because I'm not feeling super great about some of the decisions I made I'm not feeling super great about how I was treated in some ways and possibly how I treated people so to come from this point of

00:11:43: doubt worry discouragement to come back from that and say you know what I'm a do it anyway that is a heroic.

00:11:53: Act it will seem insurmountable and some days I mean we've all been through it especially now with a pandemic it takes.

00:12:02: A lot of.

00:12:03: Bravery to manage our day-to-day lives at the moment especially if we have children in school what about those aging parents again we might have lost somebody or a very important meaningful tasks that we had all these things

00:12:18: they Zapped a little bit of Bravery from us and for us to go back out there anyway now that I think

00:12:26: his true courage For Me Maybe I'm super analytical actually strike that I am super analytical I grew up in Germany where they put a lot of emphasis on cognitive abilities and intelligence so I think some of it rubbed off on me.

00:12:40: So what I sometimes do when something goes wrong.

00:12:44: Or I'm feeling that going there's sort of a repetition here going on or I lose my partner a job whatever I go into full-on analysis mode.

00:12:53: Where did I go wrong where is my responsibility.

00:12:57: What can I do going forward that this doesn't happen to me anymore and I just sort of asked all these questions now I love self-examination if you

00:13:06: end up reading my book you'll see a lot of it is about just asking the right questions or what I hope are the right questions and for some people this.

00:13:15: Analysis really really works but I have to say I've come up with very limited results very sobering because.

00:13:24: It's hindsight that is 20/20

00:13:27: you can't immediately after the loss of a friend or family member or loved one you can't immediately understand what this is all about what is the theme why did this happen you need time.

00:13:39: And that time between the event that occurred and the time that we fully understand.

00:13:48: The y or the how can be ever so short or long for some of us it might not take so long might just be a couple days right for many of us however.

00:13:57: It can take a long while to understand why something had to leave so that something or somebody could move into its place

00:14:06: for me it took sometimes years before I was like oh my God that is why I didn't get that job or that is why I got divorced although I have to say with the second one.

00:14:17: It didn't take me long to realize why I was getting a divorce but you get my drift you just stop saying that one day I'm gonna get a really angry phone call no but seriously.

00:14:28: To sort of understand that traveling backward and analyzing right away is not always a helpful way to go in fact in some cases it can even lead us to judge ourselves or to try and come at a problem on a level that.

00:14:43: Is not really a match maybe there's a way to explore the y or the how in a physical way I'm a yoga teacher so of course for me it's the yoga that will sometimes help me.

00:14:54: Work through something dancing is super huge for me I have a friend who does somatic work and says great things about it whatever it takes.

00:15:04: Maybe not analyze so much and be all in love with the.

00:15:08: Cerebral analysis of what happened and instead just sort of letting it go through you the feeling letting the event pass let some time elapsed before we make a judgement.

00:15:21: I've noticed a lot of people these are more men actually I think they have often said to me that when you make a decision.

00:15:28: If it's not a hell yes it's a no I love that idea I love the idea that if it's not one it's the other.

00:15:37: I also have to st. in usually work out for me that way in life it wasn't always an either or

00:15:43: and this year with everything that's been going on for myself and for other people around me I've realized that that's not necessarily true because if.

00:15:54: It's not a hell yes but it's a kind of okay well then yeah maybe then.

00:16:00: There is an ambiguity and we don't often like to be in a space of ambiguity but it also allows us to make mistakes.

00:16:08: Which I've made a lot of in my life and I think most of us will probably have to pledge to that

00:16:14: but if I had always decided it was an either or situation.

00:16:19: Then I would have made decisions too quickly or too slowly sometimes because I've used to make pro and con list which

00:16:26: I find utterly useless in most cases now and to sort of allow that some things are ambiguous

00:16:33: I remember saying yes to job and thinking I don't know if this is going to work and it worked out fantastically I was a happy camper other jobs or even people I said yes to I was

00:16:45: really hell yes and I had so much hope and so much enthusiasm about it and it was a real hell knows I hell no get the hell out of there kind of no so,

00:16:55: understand that

00:16:57: an act of Bravery doesn't always mean that we're hell yes behind this cause and behind this decision but that maybe we're taking a quiet step towards getting there

00:17:07: finding what it is we want to do and whom we want to be with and taking some risks in knowing that we don't know everything about it yet.

00:17:16: But how do we get into the energy of

00:17:20: being brave the energy of wanting to be brave of allowing that in our lives and I found that when I do something that truly brings me joy

00:17:29: it's sort of I don't know why I'm coming up with all these Financial examples today but it sort of builds like a joy credit from me like the more joyful things I do I do.

00:17:39: The more joyful people I spend time with the more I feel.

00:17:44: I can be brave because I am being shown that life is good as a very very over simplified way of doing it or thinking it I know but bear with me.

00:17:54: If you continue to do things in a Joyful Way or you at least insist on finding joyful things

00:18:02: then having to be brave about maybe making a job choice or a choice in partner that seems to look like Joy is going to be a whole lot easier than if you're always doing things that you have to do when you're in this drudgery of

00:18:17: day to day life and you're taking care of other people and you're working three jobs is like that takes up so much bravery I don't even have time for Joy but if I manage to find something joyful to do

00:18:27: it could even just be brunch with some really good friends on a Sunday morning afternoon more like it.

00:18:33: To really draw from this Joy energy which is endless and it makes us bold and brave and put ourselves out there and the last point I want to make is that we have.

00:18:45: Proof of execution as it's sometimes called in business wow I am really business e today for real.

00:18:52: To remind ourselves that we have been brave in the past is a great way to understand that.

00:18:58: Yes it's great to have role models for it but to also know that we ourselves are role models for our very own bravery.

00:19:05: We've shown up for ourselves before when we didn't think we could when we really didn't want to.

00:19:11: And when we were discouraged and fearful and maybe even sad.

00:19:16: But to know that you've done this before you've taken small little Brave steps towards.

00:19:23: Whatever it is that you feel is in your destiny can help you build a little bit more confidence about what you are indeed able to do.

00:19:31: And I have found this super important because if I just looked at all the decisions.

00:19:37: I made in my life and you know a lot of them came up really great and then of some of them didn't if I only looked at the ones where I didn't have a good result.

00:19:46: As something that was a failure or I should have not done that would not honor the full story and the full take away from that experience because the full take away.

00:19:56: Actually shows boy that was pretty brave that I did that I didn't have a whole lot of money I tried to do it anyway.

00:20:02: I didn't have a big Community who could support me I put myself out there anyway you have proof that you've been brave and that you've shown up for yourself.

00:20:12: At the times when you probably really didn't want to and to rely on your own personal role modeling and history to be brave.

00:20:22: So here's to hoping that today you do something that is just a little bit Brave and that will take you to towards a courageous life eventually and if courageous for you like me still feels like a tall order than at least

00:20:36: you were a brave heart sending all the brave energy to you and sending love.

00:20:42: Music.