00:00:00: Music.

00:00:09: Everybody welcome back to a new episode of bitch breathe I am your host ricardia.

00:00:16: So I've got a question for you how are you waking up these mornings how does that go for you.

00:00:23: How do you feel what are the thoughts what are some of the first actions you do essentially how does your day begin.

00:00:32: And the reason I'm asking today as the title might have already indicated strongly is I want to talk a little bit about the Blues.

00:00:41: And in this case because I think that's what is on our minds for many of us the pandemic Blues

00:00:47: this is not going to be a discussion of clinical depression or the ongoing depression I know this one also when you just sort of stopped crying all together and you sort of freeze you get very lethargic you can't get out of bed it's not the one that just freezes you.

00:01:02: In what feels like time and space and in your body this to me this is my very personal experience guys I'm not a doctor so obviously if you're struggling with this.

00:01:14: In a way that it's,

00:01:15: interfering with your life a lot clearly you want to get professional help that's what I did back in the day and it was really really useful so this is not that kind of depression.

00:01:26: This from me personally is more about the reaction to.

00:01:30: An ongoing crisis that preoccupies really the whole world for the first time probably in the living memory of most of us.

00:01:39: When I asked myself how do I wake up these days then I have to admit often times I Rush

00:01:46: I have a rush of anxiety it's not like a full-on panic attack it's more sort of a low-grade alertness that comes on right when I've woken up and you know

00:01:55: I say this half-jokingly but a good morning is when I'm in a bad mood sometimes because at least I'm energized

00:02:02: and usually my yoga practice or my running whatever it is I do and we'll get back to those later

00:02:07: we'll fix the sort of meanness that I have like I'll have very mean thoughts towards myself towards others I don't really know what's going on what are we doing here how long is this going to go on and before I know it,

00:02:19: I mean such a horrible mood that I have to spend quite a few minutes

00:02:24: maybe hours and coffee helps me personally but to just get back into a sort of I want to call it civilized and kind mindset.

00:02:34: And on other mornings

00:02:37: when I don't get to switch the energy around as well I just feel like there's a veil that's been placed over my eyes over my head and everything feels hazy very very confusing and,

00:02:51: the only way I can describe it as if have you ever had a dream where you keep reaching for someone or something but you can't quite get there it seems to be.

00:03:00: Within Reach but you won't get it and that's sometimes the mood I've been having and I've been talking to a lot of my friends

00:03:07: and family and asking them you know how are you doing right now do you also get this feeling that you're sort of living as if under a tupperware as Bill Bryson once said in one of his books because that's how I feel a lot.

00:03:20: So that even when something lovely happens something that would be,

00:03:24: very objectively considered joyful The Joy doesn't seem to reach my cells.

00:03:31: It hasn't really been easy to reconcile two things which is on the one hand everything I'm in Berlin in Germany has been reopening there is life returning to cafes to museums to the streets

00:03:44: but the streets are much emptier than they normally would be in a summer in Berlin it's also.

00:03:51: See that's the thing I struggle to find language around this

00:03:54: this Veil that's all I can keep using is it's hard to understand what is going on are we all in a bit of a holding

00:04:02: position right now because we're not really sure what's going to happen in the fall what's going to happen with the pandemic what's going to happen with us essentially

00:04:11: I like to fix things I've mentioned this a lot in this podcast

00:04:15: so I have been trying to figure out tools that really at least temporarily or for the time being work for me.

00:04:25: One thing I have to say that I've been consistent about these last couple of months because I was getting so desperate to just feel.

00:04:32: To just feel myself again essentially that I have decided to have a bit of a more vigorous physical practice.

00:04:40: So what I do is I go running sometimes which anyone who knows me knows I really don't like.

00:04:47: Normally but it's been such a game-changer for me so I just stick my headphones into my ears I put on a podcast

00:04:54: for the running I guess I want the company to but it's also lovely to just learn something while I'm running that's me forever the Virgo influence trying to optimize processes so that's what I do I get physical I get.

00:05:07: Out and I run I've even started to do those.

00:05:11: I don't even know what they're called but those exercises that make your arms look really strong so I've been doing those and on mornings when I don't feel a lot of energy which can happen quite frequently I do what is called a yin yoga practice you Yogi's will know what this is for everyone else it's a

00:05:26: much slower yoga practice anyone can do it you'll find plans you have guidance online or you can hop onto guy a.com I think I did some videos on yin yoga there as well just to really get into your body

00:05:40: so that this circuit in your head the one I described earlier thought after thought after thought and all of them suck that that can be.

00:05:49: Disrupted because any of these things now if we slip into a habit of feeling the blues of feeling lonely and anxious and over all confused.

00:06:00: Then it's good to sort of get out of that that Loop there,

00:06:04: and speaking of getting out from me getting out of the house has been key so I work from home a lot now as I think many people do still do even if offices are asking employees and stuff to come back I'm a freelancer so I can do a lot from home

00:06:19: and I've noticed this is not good for me after a while I start to get a little bit morbid because now I'm making my second coffee

00:06:28: and I'm going through motions that I'm doing every day and this really does a number on my mental health I've noticed.

00:06:36: So for me like yesterday I was sitting down I was trying to put together.

00:06:40: A chapter on something I was writing on and I was like us now coming it's not like the ideas weren't coming but I could not be bothered I could not sit down there for a moment longer

00:06:51: and so I listened in real quick I'm like well what is it my body needs right now it's clearly telling me it's not needing me to sit at a desk it was like No just go out just get out and so that's what I did I got out of the house sometimes I run errands.

00:07:06: Sometimes I just take a walk I don't really have a goal or a place I'm going to be going.

00:07:13: Specifically but just to sort of break up this Loop and break up the energy because again when we feel the Blues,

00:07:19: when we feel anxious it's because we've been here many many times before.

00:07:24: So our body remembers this really well just like muscle memory it will also remember this and so then for the whole system to slip into it is really really easy and quick there is a Time window.

00:07:39: During which we can interfere and we want to be getting really good at recognizing that so that when the body

00:07:45: or the Mind rather is about to slip into I don't really know I'm so confused do I want coffee on my even hungry whatever it is getting out of that I'm getting out of the house as proven to be really really helpful for me.

00:07:59: Another thing is we're reading about this a lot is to stay off the phone

00:08:03: and to actually meet people so I've gotten really tired of being in phone calls even with my dearest friends I find it so stressful to constantly be updating

00:08:12: updating each other because a lot of them don't always live in Berlin they divide their time between their home places and here and just constantly.

00:08:20: Being on the phone updating people on all the highlights and lowlights it's too much at some point it's like I just want to see this person I just want to not have to talk but be in their presence,

00:08:32: so I don't speak on the phone as much anymore these are very good friends I'm not worried about losing contact and we do speak occasionally but I've limited these kind of longer conversations to one maybe two a day and that's it.

00:08:46: No more than that and instead what I've been doing and what's been happening for some reason is people from my past of suddenly shown up just shooting me a message hey ricardia how you doing in these crazy times and I've.

00:08:59: Already begun and I will continue to do this these aren't close friends obviously I haven't seen them in a while

00:09:04: but they're people I like they're people from my life that I just lost a little bit of contact with so I've decided I'm going to meet up with them actually meet outside in a safe place and just really.

00:09:17: Engage in this way maybe we can't hug maybe we can't get particularly close but we're having a real conversation with a flesh-and-blood person.

00:09:27: Another thing is I just discovered this wonderful Indian restaurant around the corner and these people are super super nice I've lived in this neighborhood for two and a half years I've never.

00:09:37: Sat down in that restaurant and certainly not talk to these people and I'm like that's kind of a little bit ignorant sometimes like I've got this neighborhood.

00:09:46: Why don't I get to know the coffee shop place a little better the deli owner whatever it is it's just a casual to a minute conversation it's not going to cost me a whole lot of time but it what it will do is create a sense

00:09:59: even if looser not close knit but a sense of community people are here.

00:10:05: People and all their little lives doing all their little jobs and we have ways to engage with each other.

00:10:11: I don't have to hold space I don't have to engage them in some deep conversation but I know this from my mom who's Irish and something that she misses very very much is that she said you know you cannot stand,

00:10:25: in line at a post office in Ireland for longer than two minutes without somebody striking up a conversation about whatever.

00:10:34: Where you got your sweater the weather it doesn't matter but they have these little spontaneous talks and then they part again and it's been a nice half an hour where otherwise you would have just sat there or stood there and check your phone.

00:10:48: So I've always taken inspiration from what she says about that and try to sort of do that and now I'm doing that even a little bit more.

00:10:56: Another obvious one maybe for some people if you're really into nature then just try to get out into nature obviously over the weekend I'm going to be very honest because the bow is probably going to listen to this episode and laughs his ass off.

00:11:10: Because most of those who know me personally know I'm not the first one to scream yes please when it comes time to sort of drive out into the country I'm a total silly City Girl.

00:11:22: I lived in London I lived in New York now I live in Berlin I'm not just a city girl I'm a big city girl so I don't necessarily go out and to nature but I know a lot of my friends love it they go hiking they've even one of them

00:11:36: has built a house in a very rural area now where I'm like okay so that's happening and sometimes I think of that Sex in the City episode I think it's that one where

00:11:46: everyone's always asking each other so what are you doing over the weekend is usually going Upstate anyway.

00:11:51: Getting off track here so what do I do when I feel like I know I do really want to sort of be in a peaceful place as I've taken too

00:11:59: returning to cemeteries I used to do this way back when and now I've been inspired to do it again and

00:12:06: I don't know for some people cemeteries they creep them out and me not so much I love it there so cemeteries and then parks.

00:12:13: It's a big open green places that's my thing to do and I just love it and yesterday I made sure nobody was watching me first because I'm always a little embarrassed

00:12:22: actually hugged a tree at the cemetery there's nothing wrong with tree-huggers is just for me I've tried it so many times and I'm like

00:12:31: I don't feel anything I mean I'm happy this tree is here and I do everything in my power,

00:12:36: personal power no I don't do everything I should do more to conserve nature but I just didn't have much of a reference point for it but yesterday don't tell anybody I told you this I hugged a tree.

00:12:49: And then I didn't want to let go I'm like oh my God it's official I've turned into one of those people now

00:12:55: so yes you heard it here first I hugged a tree and I loved it and then I was returning to my bench I was like I'm not done so I went back to the tree and hugged it a little bit more so whatever it is that connects you

00:13:09: to the greater picture to Nature to understand that this Blues were feeling is an immediate thing and an emotional one and that's what makes it temporary and not the truth.

00:13:20: And that is I think where nature can help us or just developing a bigger picture.

00:13:24: Another thing I've tried to pay attention to because I've noticed I've sort of brushed over it lately is that

00:13:31: to still be vulnerable with my friends if I have them on the phone or meeting them in person I had temporarily gone

00:13:38: to a mode Reza yeah everything's fine because I just was so fucking tired of talking about what's going on how confusing it is and how it's a little bit nerve-racking so I would start to put up sort of this front of faults bravery.

00:13:52: Sometimes that works sometimes it even.

00:13:55: Tricks us into thinking yes things aren't so bad and they're not so bad for us here in Germany we have access to vaccinations I mean keep in mind.

00:14:03: This is a very privileged sort of space I'm speaking from but to still not put up this Brave face when really you're crumbling inside.

00:14:12: Call that one person call Mom call whoever your sisters your cousin's whoever it is for you and be real still even if it gets so tiring.

00:14:23: To be so sad all the time.

00:14:26: One thing that I've tried to practice and I'll be very honest I'm not succeeding horribly well but it's something that I'm teaching myself to be in acceptance of.

00:14:35: And that is to take a seat in the place of not knowing what do I mean by that.

00:14:43: I mean that a lot of things can't be known we used to live under this illusion that a lot of things can be known that we can control a lot about our destiny our presence.

00:14:54: Even if not our past obviously but now it really has become ever so evident that we can't

00:15:01: we don't know what is going to happen some of us are still raising small children's were probably really confused as to how much information what kind of information should we give them how do we convey.

00:15:14: We as parents who in our children's eyes always seem to know everything how do we convey what we don't know,

00:15:23: that we don't know a lot of things I don't have a small child anymore but I'd be very curious to hear what your strategies as parents are but one of the things that I've done as an adult.

00:15:34: For me and my life is to just understand that I can't know what is coming I can plan.

00:15:41: As if things will be going according to plan and I think that's a very healthy exercise actually is to have goals have plans but then to also at least a little bit try to.

00:15:53: Be comfortable with a not knowing and for me that means.

00:15:58: Getting into sort of a space and I use yoga I use a lot of pranayama which if you're not a yogi is yogic breathing too,

00:16:06: allow for this space where I don't have to decide that I know what's going on so what I do with the breath exercises of the yoga is this is for now.

00:16:14: And then the next Asana that's the figure that you make the posture.

00:16:19: That you hold are the pose in yoga and then that one comes and then the one after that and I don't have to know what comes next.

00:16:27: All I'm asked to do is to surrender to that and surrender used to be super hard for me but I'm a

00:16:33: control freak I like to control things going on my relationships I like to control my work I like to be organized I'm not by the way that's the funny part is that

00:16:44: I like to control things but I'm totally not an organized person a lot of times but.

00:16:50: To step away from that and be like okay fine then I won't control it and to be in a surrender mode for that.

00:16:58: It's not easy if we're any kind of A type personality this is probably the hardest to love all the ones I'm naming today because it's so

00:17:06: against our grain right we want to just grip tight but one yoga teacher actually said to us once and I love this if both hands are holding tight.

00:17:16: Holding onto something how are you going to grab anything else how will you physically.

00:17:22: And energetically be available to hold on to something else and I thought that was pretty powerful.

00:17:28: My last suggestion is something that I have been doing lately and that has given me a lot of reason,

00:17:35: to believe and acknowledge female strength.

00:17:40: So I've been pulling up my female role models I put a picture of my grandmother back on my altar a my grandad's next to her too because.

00:17:50: He's so handsome he looks like Fred Astaire or he did he's not among us anymore anyway grandmother is back on my altar I've been looking into the Hindu goddesses because that's something

00:18:01: personally relate to really well there's also the Celtic goddess has the Greek goddesses of course whoever it is for you

00:18:09: but look into female role models I could also be living right now maybe you have role models that are still alive like for me one of mine role model of strength really is my mother and whoever that is for you

00:18:22: but examine maybe a little what is it that makes these women strong in your eyes what is that energy.

00:18:29: What are some of the decisions that they made what are some of the actions that they took that make you feel this is a very strong person.

00:18:38: If you're lucky enough to have these kind of women in your lineage great because then you know that this strength flows through your veins,

00:18:46: if it's a little more abstract if it's a goddess or somebody far away someone you haven't met then still keep examining what is it you think is strong about them.

00:18:56: And then replicated and yes you will have to fake it till you make it for a while but if you're responding to that energy in that person my guess is you don't.

00:19:05: Because you've already got the seed for whatever strength you're seeing in this other person inside you connect to the strength of the women in your life by the way if your mail and listening to this.

00:19:18: Obviously you can also connect two guys and women also please connect two guys is just for me for some reason I feel encouraged when I see,

00:19:28: women standing up and taking charge and one more thing.

00:19:33: This came to me during a meditation at a cemetery by the way the other day this cemetery is right next to a skateboard park,

00:19:42: my son's a skater so when I hear skateboard sounds I get really really happy and nostalgic and it just makes me feel really good

00:19:52: like I love skateboard sounds I just love it it's such an urban thing the whole skate crowd this whole Community I just find it very very it seems to me very inviting very egalitarian even and creative

00:20:06: and Alive essentially so when I was meditating at the cemetery I kept hearing the skateboard going up.

00:20:13: Sort of picking up and then when they come back down from the jump the role the roles or the Wheels land on the asphalt or concrete

00:20:21: so it keeps going on all the time and this could technically totally bother you while you're meditating right but it didn't bother me at all in fact I just thought how nice here's one person me,

00:20:33: meditating in the cemetery and just being quiet and drawing the senses back a little but at the same time there's all this life.

00:20:40: Right here right next to the cemetery so here I am with the people who have passed on if you will but right next to that is life.

00:20:49: And that's exactly what it is one is always next to the other one always contains,

00:20:54: the other so in the quiet is also the loudness in the small is the vastness and next to if you want to call it death is life.

00:21:03: And they each contain the other.

00:21:05: And I think it's really important to keep reminding ourselves that we are and this is hard for me sometimes but we are indeed part of a much bigger picture.

00:21:14: If you're not into spirituality a lot just take a look at the stars in an astronomical sense.

00:21:20: We're part of a bigger picture and if you do feel more spiritually inclined then you probably already know what I mean by that or at least you know what you mean by that.

00:21:31: So here's from my heart to yours I hope you're finding coping mechanisms and people who can help you through this very strange time and I would love to hear from you if you'd like to write to me the address is bitch breathe.

00:21:44: At gmail.com and the I am bitch is a number one otherwise I've also got a Facebook group if you like.

00:21:52: It's also called bitch breathe feel free to join us there until then stay well.

00:21:57: Music.