00:00:00: Music.

00:00:11: Breathe I am your host ricardia Brownlee.

00:00:14: So the other day I was at a restaurant a restaurant I know really well because I used to work there and so I also know the manager well and I really like him.

00:00:24: And I was there with the bow and we're having a nice dinner and I'm talking to the manager who sat down with us about my job situation and that I'm currently

00:00:32: back to freelance and looking to pick up more projects whatever

00:00:36: and in no time he said oh my God that is so crazy because we're totally looking for someone let's talk about this and he's like saying all these things and really fast succession.

00:00:45: So at some point of that end of that conversation he says well maybe think about it you know let's see if we can get together I really have a job for you and I'm like oh yeah that sounds great.

00:00:55: And the conversation ends and the bowl looks at me and he's like.

00:01:00: Um did you just sign up for a new job and I'm like I don't know did I he says.

00:01:08: What are you doing you have to like wait maybe see you can't just say yes right here while we're having dinner and I'm thinking to myself.

00:01:18: Of course he's right.

00:01:20: What am I doing I'm sitting there having my little baked tofu with Thai Basil or whatever it was and I just said yes to a job that actually.

00:01:28: I didn't really want and I don't really want but I said yes so after that it was one of those little I guess key incidents is when you start to pay attention to something that seems to maybe be a pattern.

00:01:43: And that is exactly what I did and I began to realize I can't say no very well and I know I'm one of those generations of women that wasn't taught to say no and that we're actually when you said no.

00:01:57: People would think that is a yes maybe yes.

00:02:01: So this alone won't be very surprising right I'm in my mid-40s and so I think I hope we're one of the last Generations where that was in force in full effect but what I think was a little shocking to me.

00:02:15: Is that it took me so long to understand not just how to say no and to stick to that answer but I also didn't realize the kind of magic it contained.

00:02:26: The kind of magic that unfolds when you are able to say no from an authentic place.

00:02:33: And that's what we're going to talk about today as the title indicates just say no.

00:02:38: I thought about my whole life of course now in terms of this tiny little two letter word and the odd thing is.

00:02:45: I wasn't all that bad at saying no as a younger woman whether it was job so Partners or just.

00:02:52: Opportunities that seem to be abundant that seem to be very promising I never really worried about whether a new opportunity would come along.

00:03:00: I didn't worry whether this Exchange in or mine would ever come along and I'd be sent out again in some

00:03:06: to some country to do something exciting and when it came to my romantic choices I also didn't consider it much as I ignore

00:03:13: don't feel like going on a date no I think if they had been Tinder or some dating app and if I were the kind of Brave person I guess to engage on that level I'd have probably been swiping whatever it is left or right whatever the denial is the decline that's the one I would have probably been swiping know

00:03:30: no worries so I was doing real life swiping a lot if you will when I was younger

00:03:35: so I wondered what changed and I think there are many things in place that change of course when we go from being a younger person to an older woman

00:03:45: I think the main concept the big one and I've got a few on my list here I hope I get through all of them but the main concept is a is a Consciousness that changes and I think we go from a consciousness of abundance

00:03:58: maybe we even take things for granted as young people.

00:04:01: And then we move into a consciousness of scarcity and I think that is a huge element of Aging that we want to look at.

00:04:10: As we go from Young to being all this how much have we switched our Consciousness not the external circumstances but our Consciousness from abundance to scarcity.

00:04:21: From of course I'm allowed and deserve to have this too

00:04:24: well I don't know that I work hard enough for it maybe everybody needs to go through whatever these evil little sentences are that we have as we get older and so I am really now embracing.

00:04:36: This idea that,

00:04:38: the abundance is still here and it's only my Consciousness towards that concept towards this idea that life is full of generosity that that is what is changed so if that is what has changed.

00:04:51: I can change it back so I began after my little restaurant incident there too

00:04:56: figure out ways how to say no and I realized that you really got to start small if you say no to family that's a whole lot more difficult than saying no to let's say A salesperson if you really don't want these shoes but the salesperson is a very very convincing

00:05:13: personality then practice saying no

00:05:15: practice disappointing the sales associate and then sort of Move Along get better at it in terms of being more Brave

00:05:25: and saying no to family as well it can be small things I mean obviously if a family member if a friend needs urgent help

00:05:34: we're not going to say no but of course you know I'm not referring to those kinds of circumstances.

00:05:38: Another one that I thought about and this is something that I do think I actually managed to a some reason throughout the years but maybe again I should.

00:05:47: Bring him out to the show one time and ask him is that we make sure we say no to our children by saying no to them.

00:05:56: And this is a two-fold approach right the one thing is for us to say no when they've transgressed when they've overstepped their boundaries or when they're just plain not being safe of course then we say no it's an instinct they're about to put their hand on a hot plate

00:06:10: we're going to stop them but the other one is for them to witness us saying no.

00:06:16: So if somebody is asking us to do something in front of our children that we don't want to do let's say it's another parent and they really need us to pick up their child as well that afternoon but that's not really good for us because we have to take our kid to some

00:06:30: class or we had told them we'd go to the library whatever is then to say no to say I'm sorry it's really not possible today

00:06:37: so the child has the opportunity to watch the parent and I'm going to go ahead and say it to watch the female parent especially saying no

00:06:46: as a consequence of saying no.

00:06:48: A lot more it might be useful to understand that not everyone is going to acknowledge your answer as what it was

00:06:56: which was a decline and for me and this is huge because I keep running into this over and over is that I say no.

00:07:05: Because instinctively I knew I don't want this or I don't want this situation

00:07:09: but then this person the person opposite of me who needs a wants me to do something

00:07:15: will become very adamant at wanting to get me on their side so they won't acknowledge my know they'll bring forth more and more I commence why I probably will want this to why this is good

00:07:27: why they really really need this help sometimes they do sometimes they really don't need it or not from you and to then repeat the answer say no again.

00:07:37: Without elaborating without elaborating is key.

00:07:43: Because as soon as you elaborate you've diluted the answer you've now moved into maybe defensive mode maybe too much explanatory mode but whatever it is.

00:07:54: It's no longer strengthening your answer that is no you don't want to that means no

00:08:01: you don't have time that also means know you're exhausted you just don't give a twirly the answer remains no.

00:08:11: No explanations except for maybe the original one and if you need to give an explanation just give one argument I don't have time

00:08:19: don't again give more this is something I learned about from Barbara Walters biography actually she had an autobiography that was called.

00:08:28: I was going to say rejection but actually was called audition

00:08:31: interesting that one and it was called audition and she said if you ever make it a choice to say no or to excuse yourself from something only use one excuse don't use several and I thought that was brilliant.

00:08:44: So saying no without elaboration then comes my second pain point.

00:08:50: I've said the no I'd maybe didn't elaborate and now I have to stay with the discomfort of the reaction of that other person.

00:09:00: That one is not so easy for me I don't know about you but to not be liked is really really difficult for me sometimes.

00:09:08: It's probably my zodiac sign people I'm a Libra we're total people Pleasers it's a tragedy and it's also a little bit true so staying with the idea that this other person is unhappy about my choice

00:09:21: is unhappy about my canceling an event

00:09:24: it's really difficult for me to do especially if I like this person I mean I don't say no because you're a jerk I don't Zone say no because I suddenly don't like you anymore I've said no because at this moment in time it wasn't the right thing for me

00:09:39: so for the other person to be pissed off disappointed ouch disappointment or slightly panicked even because now they

00:09:48: have a situation where they have to replace you or they were really counting on your helping them staying with all of their discomfort around your no and your own.

00:09:58: Huge

00:09:58: but when I did manage it and I was just in that position the other day where I had to cancel an event that had been standing for a long time that I had committed to but that really really was going to be

00:10:10: it's super difficult for me to do now I had to say no and this other person rightfully was.

00:10:17: Pissed off at me and the wording of their message was accordingly

00:10:22: and for me to then not step in and figure out okay wait maybe I can do it this way or maybe I can come in one day and leave the next I was going through all these stressful

00:10:32: situations and scenarios how I could somehow make it work for both of us because I wanted the compromise and I love this person but I couldn't do it and I realize know if I try to compromise on this now not only have I compromised myself and my own

00:10:48: Health to a certain degree because it's going to be very stressful but I will have also not stood up for myself.

00:10:54: And isn't know all about standing up for yourself and saying this is it no more not a single step further.

00:11:03: So stay with the discomfort even if it's really really hard because the I'm going to go ahead and say the self love you feel afterwards after you push through is amazing miraculous even.

00:11:17: Piggybacking on that.

00:11:18: Even little Jabs at acquaintances want you to do like the other day there was something somebody needed and I knew she could get somebody to do this on fiverr.com oh

00:11:28: by the way shout out to fiverr.com Great platform and no I'm not getting paid for this but like I knew.

00:11:35: This was such a project that wasn't going to cost them a lot that was going to cost me half a workday and I thought no I know I can do this I know you need help but there are other resources that you definitely can't afford.

00:11:47: And that no was a bit of an easier one because it wasn't my first and I knew that there would be a solution

00:11:53: one of the bigger things about saying no is that and here's where the magical aspect comes in it will stop you from settling from settling for the wrong partner.

00:12:03: Settling for the wrong job the wrong apartment whatever it is so going back to my little restaurant story at the opening of this episode.

00:12:12: If I had stayed with this yes I then later cancelled and explain and of course we're friends that was no problem but if I had not cancelled this I would have settled.

00:12:22: For a job that would have thrown me back years yes it's something I could do yes of course I wanted to earn money but no it was absolutely not a representation of the person and the life situation I find in place today.

00:12:37: So I would have settled for something that is way below me.

00:12:41: And I'm getting way too old for that in a good way and the same is with a partner I know that partners and we.

00:12:48: Impossible to live with I love what Alain de botton says about this that most all of us are practically impossible to live with where the worst people ever and that we should find a way.

00:12:59: To make peace and make love and a life with this partner because probably the actually good enough.

00:13:06: All right if there's not X Y and Z going on go back to some of my episodes for that one but to not settle for something that

00:13:14: you kind of knew from the get-go now this isn't quite it.

00:13:17: This apartment is not quite it I remember I was looking for apartments is back in the late 90s in the East Village in New York and it was so hard of course real estate always being what it is in that place and my,

00:13:30: lovely Hometown but I was looking at this apartment okay they had spray-painted all the walls in silver there was like crazy graffiti going on the whole thing had a goth emo Vibe and if you're into that great

00:13:43: doesn't matter but I was kind of spooked out but this was like the 17th apartment I was looking at right and I thought you know I ricardia.

00:13:51: Just say yes they looking for a roommate and it was a roommate situation did I mention so they're looking for a roommate you desperately need an apartment just do it just fill out the Forum,

00:14:02: and get this apartment so that evening I took a moment a couple hours to think about it but then

00:14:08: I think it was that evening or the next day the apartment I actually want the roommate he said yes they wanted me to move in with them

00:14:16: so that's just a very small example of how we set the stage of Our Lives.

00:14:24: By giving certain answers so saying yes to certain situations people jobs will bar us.

00:14:32: From being able to say yes to the others and think about how that shifts your reality going forward

00:14:39: there's always as the kabbalist say which I always loved they say that there's several parallel universes and depending on the decisions you make so yes or no you are going to step into a different universe

00:14:50: so the universe of saying no when it feels right to you must by default be incredible no.

00:14:57: It must be abundant authentic and joyful is what I imagine because like I said

00:15:03: I'm not practicing this for all too long yet so I am just only beginning to notice how great it is and why am I saying that I should probably illustrate this so I've got proof

00:15:14: and that is that I've had several situations now I said no to.

00:15:19: People who wanted me to work for them for some reason you know how there's always themes in life and for me right now it seems to be job offers and I turned down I think four of them.

00:15:29: And

00:15:30: I'm thinking how am I turning down all this work like we're all these job offers coming from I keep saying no I mean do these people want me to reject them like what's going on but then I thought back again to my young

00:15:42: younger life my younger self

00:15:45: and I said no to romantic partners are lat I was like nah not interested and I really wasn't or I didn't really want the complications that would entail or whatever it was but they never stopped showing up for some reason you know how it is in your teens

00:15:58: or maybe it wasn't that way for you and it happened later or not at all but you have a different example but what I'm trying to say is that the more I have been saying no the more I'm getting yeses in some way.

00:16:10: And that I find truly magical that to me indicates a shift

00:16:14: that the more you say no the more maybe other things will get fine-tuned to the point where the offers that are coming in will eventually become a yes not because you settled but because you have now

00:16:28: created a parallel universe that much more represents Who You Are.

00:16:34: And I started to have real fun with this over the last couple weeks I started to keep count of how many times I managed to say no.

00:16:41: And then looking at the results and it really

00:16:44: has shifted things around maybe his early days yet and it probably is but I would be lying if I said I hadn't noticed a change so I thought that was.

00:16:54: Pretty magical in and of itself and the very last know that I would like to talk about today is of course because I love talking about it romantic relationships now someone who has a hard time saying no to your partner.

00:17:09: Then practicing that is going to be very challenging and I'm speaking from experience because I love being in relationships by the way also a Libra thing and I found it very hard to say no to my long-term Partners even the short-term ones even ones I hadn't been sent with for that long I always thought no

00:17:29: I want to help out or

00:17:31: I want to be supportive or you know I really should go out today we haven't been out in a while and it was really really difficult

00:17:39: I've come to the conclusion.

00:17:41: And I would love to hear your opinion about this that this is not right if you don't want to do something even if you're married even if you said I do but now it's more like I don't then you should be able.

00:17:55: To do that to say no even in your romantic relationships.

00:18:01: And I want to add to that even to your parents yes we are grownups.

00:18:06: Yes we've emancipated from being the five-year-old with our parents but really have we

00:18:11: have you been to Thanksgiving with your family lately I hope you have I know it's difficult in these times but.

00:18:17: I found that is not easy to say no to a parent even to this day.

00:18:23: Because if it's something small and they're getting older and you really don't have time it doesn't matter I'm going to say yes that one

00:18:30: I'm probably not going to be able to succeed with the whole lot but I did succeed in the other getting back to the Romantic relationship so just saying no.

00:18:40: Even though this is your partner your partner in crime the person you love your favorite person maybe don't start practicing with them but maybe do who knows.

00:18:50: Anyway make it a week of just saying no instead of just saying yes and not really thinking about it.

00:18:56: I hope you are having a good summer I hope that you are able to take good care of yourself and I'm looking forward to.

00:19:06: Music.