00:00:00: Music.

00:00:12: As owed of bitch breathe I am your host ricardia Bramley.

00:00:17: As you would have seen in the title I'm being very provocative today I think by saying don't have kids and.

00:00:24: You know back in the day when I was an actor I did this monologue it was Glenn Close in her role as I think Patty hewes or something in this series called damages

00:00:35: and in her role as this lawyer this really really cutthroat.

00:00:41: Intimidatingly effective lawyer roll she says to a young lawyer.

00:00:48: Kids are like clients they want all of you all the time I mean don't get me wrong I love my son loves nothing loves easy.

00:00:57: They come out of you you love them what you do after that is the hard part.

00:01:04: Now why am I telling you all this am I really seriously.

00:01:08: Advocating to not have kids you guessed it probably not what I do want to get at is this greater idea of women.

00:01:17: And distraction now we've all heard the study is about multitasking and about how women and men are hard-wired for different.

00:01:26: Specialties and different talents maybe even and there's a lot of controversy about these studies about the findings then these findings often get revised depending on which year you're looking at them.

00:01:39: They're often driven by a certain political agenda maybe certainly a financial one but whatever it is I think we've come to the decision that yes women and men whether nurtured or nature,

00:01:53: nurture or nature debate they are different in how they go about life.

00:01:59: And today I want to look at this whole idea of how we as women because of how we operate and how we were raised and how we were wired

00:02:10: we get distracted very easily and so very often lose ourselves within that.

00:02:17: So as you might have guessed this isn't just about not having kids it's not about being distracted by just kids it's spouses,

00:02:26: it's volunteer work it's all the Care work we do in this world all these jobs and more importantly

00:02:34: these responsibilities have brought us to a place where we no longer are able to pull back.

00:02:42: From these ties to pull back from these connections these relationships and this is where our biggest strength.

00:02:51: As it is so often the case becomes one of our greatest weaknesses.

00:02:56: And that is that we are and you've heard it very often hardwired for connection all human beings are.

00:03:02: It's just that women or women identified people are particularly good at it we're really good at stepping into connection we have less reservations maybe sometimes about.

00:03:13: Strangers about building Community about recognizing where there's a need and then stepping in to fill that whether we've been raised to do so whether it's nature I really don't even want to go into that debate I know,

00:03:26: that this kind of discussion lends itself to it but I don't think it's helpful for what I'm trying to speak about today.

00:03:34: So we're hardwired for connection we're able to do several things at the same time.

00:03:40: And manage people situations caregiving whatever it is really well while also taking care of other things.

00:03:49: That is my first point that I would like to make that while we are able to do a lot of things at the same time to manage different conflicts opinions.

00:04:01: Tasks in our lives at the same time that doesn't mean we should.

00:04:09: So it used to be back in the day when my son was really small he was,

00:04:13: you know only just barely started walking I would have my son on my hip my left hip on the right side I was talking to my best friend on the phone and sort of.

00:04:24: Having the phone between my shoulder and my ear and with my hand my other hand my free one I was stirring something in the pot.

00:04:32: So I was cooking holding my son and talking to my best friend at the same time

00:04:36: now that alone is Magic I love this magic that women are able to do that we are able

00:04:43: manage these different tasks but that doesn't mean we should because what the result is of course something that we all know we get really tired at the end of the day we feel we feel like we've done a lot of things a little bit.

00:04:55: And it becomes this.

00:04:57: Scattered fragmented way of operating each day so to just sort of look at all the things we're doing simultaneously.

00:05:06: And to maybe pull back a little bit from those and see.

00:05:11: Where am I in this whole thing I've got like this whole web of connections and activities around me and I want to be mommy spider in the middle of it but I'm kind of fragmented in all different directions so to just sort of keep.

00:05:25: Pulling back from that a little bit and wondering even if I'm not doing anything about it right away wondering you know where am I in all of this.

00:05:34: And I'll come back to this idea of pulling back at the end of this episode but just to sort of keep that in mind as we go forward and then of course because I'm looking at men and women with this I would really like to.

00:05:47: Use men as an absolutely positive example of how we might be able to.

00:05:53: Do this how can we pull this off and I've noticed this many times that when men have a mission or they have a plan it doesn't have to be this big thing but whatever small thing they're doing.

00:06:05: They take it seriously and they'll go for it so I was just thinking that was it's a while ago now there was this guy and he's talking about this app that he wants to create I mean everyone's creating enough these days right so that already.

00:06:19: Tells you something like me I'm thinking everyone's creating the app but this guy is like I don't even know what this app was supposed to do it didn't seem particularly helpful to me it didn't seem particularly important that this app get created but that

00:06:32: is not what the guy thought,

00:06:34: this guy was all over this app he really he was going to get this thing going he was already connecting to the right people to put together the technology the marketing plan and he was taking this and himself within that context very seriously.

00:06:49: And I thought to myself if I had an app let's just use the app as that project that I wanted to create.

00:06:57: I'd have a million excuses of why it's not going to work and why it shouldn't be me doing it and so the question begs to be asked.

00:07:06: Why do I do that why don't I take myself as seriously as this guy with this app that me who doesn't know much about it let's face it.

00:07:14: That I thought was very silly like what the hell what did nobody needs this app but what I loved about him

00:07:20: was that he took it seriously that he was going about it that he was doing the research he was putting in the leg work and he was going to do this app now keep in mind I don't know if this app ever took off or not but I loved the earnestness.

00:07:34: And the single-mindedness with which he pursued what seemed to me a very silly undertaking so maybe to look at the men

00:07:42: and I know I'm speaking stereotypically here I realize that there are different kinds of men different kinds of women so please forgive me for being very broad stroke e in my comparison but I would like to look at men

00:07:55: and see why I shouldn't copy their behavior

00:07:58: where can I also take myself a lot more seriously with my projects maybe I'm writing a book maybe I'm creating an app for children whatever it is maybe I am looking towards getting a promotion that

00:08:13: is definitely do and that I definitely deserve.

00:08:16: But maybe I'm negotiating all the reasons why I shouldn't no let's take ourselves seriously with whatever Mission it is that we are trying to pursue.

00:08:25: And I'm not saying I do this very well I need a good solid kick in the ass to do some things but I'm learning right I'm learning to take myself seriously.

00:08:35: And another

00:08:36: question that comes up when we start to take ourselves seriously is the question of responsibilities we already have because if we start to take ourselves very seriously some of those are going to have to go

00:08:48: and that is not so easy for us maybe we could however as a first step ask ourselves this one question first.

00:08:56: What would we do if we weren't taking care,

00:09:01: of others so keep in mind I've referred to this in one of my episodes way back I'm trying to remember now which title it was maybe I'll pop it into the show notes but I talked about this book called invisible women

00:09:14: and it talks about all the invisible unpaid for labor that we perform globally and how much that

00:09:20: contributes to the gross national product every year of every nation but what would we do because it isn't our responsibility to decide this.

00:09:29: If we weren't taking care of others what is that one project that you would be working on right now that you feel called to bring into this world if there weren't these elderly parents if there weren't the small children,

00:09:42: or if there weren't this spouse that takes up a lot of time because maybe she or he.

00:09:48: Is just very attention-grabbing or worst case scenario a narcissist hey go back to those episodes that talk about those people as well but looking at what we would do if there weren't all these responsibilities doesn't mean you drop the ball on everybody,

00:10:02: but to just open up the mental space who would I be,

00:10:07: what do I feel called to do in this world because news flash is something a Healer said to me many years ago she said ricardia you're not just here to serve others yes you're a mother yes you're a wife but that is not.

00:10:21: Your singular purpose in this life I thought that was really important and very helpful to me going forward piggybacking on this idea what if we started charging for all the free labor we did.

00:10:33: Would we still get as easily distracted by all the things that we are asked to do whether there's a need and we meet that need and we rush into do it

00:10:43: it is a matter of looking at what our time is worth our time on Earth is limited the distractions however are not the excuse is not to do something are also not limited,

00:10:54: I'm not saying that taking care of others especially small children which let's face it we called them into this world I'm not saying those aren't valuable callings.

00:11:03: Maybe it is your calling to have many children who will all make this world a better place that too is a mission I'm not saying that can't be won for me not so much which is probably why I only had one.

00:11:15: But to sort of look at what is our time worth our limited time here

00:11:19: and to ask the hypothetical question what would we charge for giving someone a week of our lives would we even do it and how valuable would that be.

00:11:31: I came to this question by listening to another podcast here in Germany actually really really cool won by a guy called fight lindau and I thought that was such a brilliant question what would you charge for giving that one week.

00:11:43: And what would that week be worth if you're doing caretaking work if you're writing a book if you are traveling.

00:11:51: Would the worth change and would the way you place your priorities change depending on now having given this thing a financial character if you will so just beginning to understand that our love

00:12:04: and labor that we give is very very valuable not to put a price on love.

00:12:09: But we do do these things out of love don't we so I think there is a way that we should be maneuvering our own purpose around calling and the love we give the labor that we deliver and the value we bring to this world

00:12:23: and I just think it's interesting that,

00:12:25: we won't waste other people's time deliberately we would never do that would you waste somebody's time deliberately okay some of us do I know I talk a lot so maybe I don't ready.

00:12:36: Maybe I do waste people's time a lot but I don't do it deliberately I just always feel like I got something to say hey I got a podcast and nobody's contradicting me my podcast so,

00:12:46: that's a whole other choice in and of itself but we wouldn't do it but we're so willing to waste our own time I mean don't get me started on how much time I've wasted on relationships that from the

00:12:58: on said we're clearly not going to go anywhere,

00:13:02: but those are experiences and some of them I took away a lot of learning others will like did I really need to repeat that thing but to just really look at not wasting our own time.

00:13:13: And not to compare it okay I waste mine but not theirs or I'll waste a little bit of theirs but not mind it's not an equation but to understand that we don't take our own time our own purpose and the way we expend our energy,

00:13:26: seriously enough,

00:13:28: we don't value it enough a lot of times I know younger generations of women are getting better at this thank God for you but the truth is.

00:13:37: We could get better at this we could be better.

00:13:41: At not wasting our own time for other people for other people's dreams.

00:13:47: That brings me to another choice that I very recently only started making and again I think younger women are excelling at this much more is to understand when are we working for somebody and when are we working with them.

00:14:02: And does the difference means something to me.

00:14:05: And lately I've realized it absolutely does I don't want to work for somebody else anymore I don't want to work to visualize.

00:14:16: More importantly to realize somebody else's dream but if I do decide to work for somebody else it's because I have put myself at the service of a greater Mission however because we women like to run into this risk

00:14:31: not losing myself due to a bigger picture a greater need some volunteer work that is really really important.

00:14:39: And there is a lot a lot that needs to be helped and done but understand that working for somebody is very different from working with somebody,

00:14:49: and within that difference there's a chance to see the value of our own labor,

00:14:54: and to not be distracted by other people's dreams and missions and needs.

00:15:00: So again within the labor within the work and employment context don't get too distracted.

00:15:08: And I really tell myself this dude don't get too distracted by all the other things people need.

00:15:13: Now this person has too much of a workload that like a required you can you do it no in fact I can because you know what my own projects are not going to get done if I take on yours as well and being very economical and very strict.

00:15:26: About how I want to work with people for a people.

00:15:32: In a team or by myself and something that is very difficult for us within that.

00:15:37: Scenario is that we as women I think I'm going to go ahead and conjecture and assume that we're a little bit more able to empathize.

00:15:47: This again is our greatest strength this is Mother energy female energy I shouldn't even put it into words women and men so much I'm still trying to get my wrap my brain around the new semantics which are much more helpful which.

00:16:01: Female energy and male energy so female energy is very able to empathize it also is often much more able to empathize with others.

00:16:10: With other people's needs than it is at empathizing with ourselves and I know we talked a lot about self love these days,

00:16:18: especially in the west I sometimes feel it's very self-indulgent the language and the way it's being done now but I also try to understand where I'm being too strict maybe this isn't self-indulgent at all.

00:16:31: And I think the latter is true that if we become more aware of where we need to empathize with ourselves where we are overworked and underpaid over challenged and underappreciated.

00:16:42: That we need to step in with a voice that is very loving and not reprimanding and not censoring.

00:16:49: And to be emphatic for ourselves to be our own best

00:16:53: Advocates and actually picked up a postcard the other day was so funny and it says there are seven point five billion people roughly in the world and out of all these people you are my favorite person

00:17:05: and I was going to I hope he forgives me I was going to give this postcard to the bow,

00:17:11: and this one was dedicated to him but then I put it on my whiteboard I looked at it for a day or two and I thought you know what I'm keeping this for myself I need this reminder

00:17:19: I'm my favorite person or at least I don't feel that way today and many days maybe we don't I'm going to work to be my favorite person I'm going to work,

00:17:28: to be interested in myself and where I want to go and how that then as a result can be of a service to others and lastly and this one I love very very much is too.

00:17:41: Cultivate if we don't feel it yet and I know a lot of us are waking up and we are feeling it more and more everyday but to cultivate our own power what does that mean

00:17:51: to me that I always felt like a very abstract thing how am I supposed to cultivate power when I don't feel powerful.

00:17:58: When I don't feel strong today or a couple of weeks months maybe years even but the truth is nobody is born completely devout of power

00:18:08: and as women we have a very special kind of power I've alluded to it in many ways during this episode today as mothers not just a human babies by the way but of projects of causes whatever it is but as female energy.

00:18:22: We have power and it's time we call it back to us and if you don't feel that there is a way for you to do that to get very concrete about it

00:18:31: one thing I found was a sort of actionable step for me is to literally close my eyes or keep them open if that's not comfortable and feel like I'm pulling plugs back out from places where they're no longer is energy

00:18:45: weather is no electric current or if there is it's not flowing entirely in a positive way for me

00:18:51: again I'm not advocating selfish behavior what I'm advocating is bundling the energy the power that we by Nature embody and that we by Nature should be tapping into all the time

00:19:04: so imagine pulling out these plugs.

00:19:07: Pulling these cables away from where they are currently stuck and having that electric current that power that energy flow back to us and only when we feel recharged when we feel,

00:19:21: charged do we then step back out into society into our families into our causes our work and give from a place of full power.

00:19:31: So all you powerful people out there I hope there was something inspiring here for you today I hope that each day we wake up to the power that we have and that we stopped

00:19:42: dispersing and fragmenting this power by getting distracted by everybody else's needs and by everybody else's dreams and missions and to really rain it back in and focus on what it is we can do

00:19:56: to really make a difference in our own lives and as a result in those of others.

00:20:01: Thanks everyone for listening as always I'd be so happy to hear from you my email is bitch breathe at gmail.com the i in bitch is a number one and also if you'd like to rate and comment on the podcast.

00:20:15: Do so wherever you obtain it and I look forward to hearing from you.

00:20:19: Music.