00:00:00: Music.
00:00:10: Is bitch breathe and I am your host ricardia Bromley.
00:00:14: So yay today we're going to talk about a subject that I have been one that I have been wanting to talk about for a very long time but didn't really dare
00:00:23: yet because I thought I want to have a little bit more experience and hindsight before I talk about this one so today I'm going to talk about
00:00:32: can we change our dating patterns so first and foremost when we talk about,
00:00:39: changing patterns then of course the one thing we want to talk about is you know why do we need to do that why do we.
00:00:48: Now arrived at a point where we feel like okay something's really off here I keep reaching the same point in a relationship or in a friendship that just looks awfully familiar.
00:00:57: And very much like something I've already done once twice five times whatever.
00:01:03: But at some point in our lives and especially when it comes to dating and engaging in romantic relationships we realize.
00:01:11: You know this looks awfully repetitive and it's starting to do some damage I'm suffering I'm not evolving and I'm not meeting
00:01:20: the right person and then
00:01:22: coupled with this feeling that something is off could be that you're very exhausted because maybe you have done the inner work you're tired of analyzing why is this happening why is this happening to me and you're doing all this soul searching and you feel like you're putting in all the legwork
00:01:39: and spiritual work but it doesn't seem to be changing and so at some point you're like okay what is wrong with me or why are there only assholes out there or
00:01:48: people who don't have time or don't want to have a commitment or something so whatever the questions are that you are we are asking ourselves it doesn't matter because at some point the experience has created a scenario where we feel
00:02:03: we can't move forward so
00:02:05: the first condition there is one condition you'll know you'll guess probably that I do believe you can change your dating pattern I know I did and that's why of course I'm doing an episode about it but the one condition under which
00:02:19: and only under which we are able to truly make this change that we so much long for and that we desire is of course.
00:02:26: Do you believe you can affect change within you that's the most important question when not if when you've answered that question with yes.
00:02:38: Then we can move on to all the other ideas and experiences that I want to share with you today so really asking ourselves do we believe in change within ourselves.
00:02:51: No matter how old or young we are no matter the childhood we've experienced and no matter how many mistakes for lack of a better word we've already made in our lives.
00:03:01: That is the most important condition so.
00:03:04: What do we do when we're dating someone new or there's a new person on the horizon this could also pertain to friendships by the way I just decided to talk about relationships in a romantic context but what do we do
00:03:17: when we run into that same scenario there's a couple of questions we can ask ourselves for example.
00:03:25: What is it you saw it in that person back then or in this new person now what was some of the traits are the energy.
00:03:35: That you felt this person generated were they very intelligent for example with a very curious people did they make you learn and discover new things about yourself about the world where they really really funny
00:03:47: yes that's my personal
00:03:48: carpet of oil on the ocean where they a very safe Choice and then some of the tougher questions because we don't like the answers
00:03:58: did they have money did they provide a certain lifestyle that you got used to or that you didn't have as a child and I really craving now
00:04:06: was there a certain Prestige was there a certain power and let's not forget speaking of power.
00:04:13: What was the sexual engagement like and so when you look at all these.
00:04:19: Possible traits and energies what are the things that you seem to keep craving and that you seem to be.
00:04:28: Signaling that that's what you want.
00:04:31: Right because if you've been in the spiritual seen for a while or if you've studied certain spiritual Traditions from E I've studied
00:04:38: quite a few I think this could there's hardly a tradition at least of those that come across you in the west that I haven't at least looked into
00:04:46: but one of the ones that you've probably heard me quote from before was the Kabbalah and in Kabbalah I had some great teachers and one of the things they always asked in the very first class I think it was
00:04:58: why is this in my movie and the same question goes for our topic today.
00:05:03: Why is this person in my movie and chances are as we know what's inside is out something inside us is longing for what they seem to be able to provide.
00:05:15: So to make this more specific for me A lot of times some of my.
00:05:20: Hi it's now we're getting to my great weaknesses one of my weaknesses like I just touched upon is if a guy has a really great sense of humor if there's a playful banter going on there's a quid pro quo a witty repartee whatever you want to call it that used to be my personal Waterloo because
00:05:38: it didn't happen to me often that somebody would engage with me in this way and be quick on the uptake and pushed back even in some ways so
00:05:45: if that let's say were the trait the attraction that we're looking for where.
00:05:53: In any of these other traits to come we find it elsewhere so does it have to be the Romantic partner who provides this.
00:06:01: Can it not be that great girlfriend I have some great girlfriends whom I can laugh my ass off with two I've also got some great male friends who absolutely share my sense of humor who also give me safety or the intelligence if that's a thing but looking for these traits
00:06:16: in our friends and then more importantly.
00:06:20: If we can do this I know I couldn't do it for a long time and still I can for some traits to look for those in ourselves so that we don't need this romantic relationship to keep us safe to provide a certain lifestyle that we would like to
00:06:34: make us laugh right so just looking for those things and of course when it comes to sex since I did mention it
00:06:40: I do realize that having sex with another person can't be replicated when you're by yourself but since this is May and masturbation awareness month let me just say that part and there's plenty of resources out there.
00:06:53: So if we talk about these traits that are friends than might have or we ourselves can generate or manifest in some sort of a way.
00:07:02: What are they more specifically who can evoke them in you so we talked about this in a little bit in the second statement I just made.
00:07:12: Now I'm talking about spending time with those people a lot why am I saying that and why is that different from what I said before because not only of these needs are met.
00:07:23: But if we see that people we really love to spend time with have this and have an abundance of these traits then chances are.
00:07:31: You can also find a romantic partner who has this let me make this more specific so I have one really good friend.
00:07:38: I have three really good male friends whom I really love very very much.
00:07:42: Hetero males but we never sort of made it to the Romantic level one of us was not in that same place and then at some point it just wasn't an issue anymore
00:07:50: or maybe I had an affair with him and that's long over and so we kind of did that and we're done with it in any case I.
00:07:58: Started to memorize what it was about them that made me feel so good being around them so even though I wasn't related relating to them in a romantic way I picked up on traits that I really did not want to miss any more in my life
00:08:12: so one of my friends whom I was about to mention just now he was a great listener he's a coach.
00:08:19: He listens really well he asks good questions and he would just be really really loving he had like an unconditional love.
00:08:28: About him and I don't mean that people put themselves out there as door mats that is obviously not what unconditional love is but
00:08:35: we would always take really good care of each other we lived with each other for a while too and I noticed you know what I want this in my future personal partnership I want somebody to make me feel.
00:08:47: Like we can take care of each other and even if there are differences that we can speak to each other in a respectful manner.
00:08:53: So that even if things get difficult we don't start name-calling we would have never named called my friend and I wouldn't have even been on the menu I don't think it 10 years from now but who knows what I'm trying to say is.
00:09:06: To look at these qualities at these friends have and then decide that this is something you're going to replicate and notice in a future romantic partner.
00:09:16: And I'll tell you in this particular case I'll probably get back and talk about my current boyfriend a few times now but in this particular case just to make it more specific or concrete my best friend was someone who was.
00:09:30: Very sort of open-minded just really open-minded and really optimistic like it no matter what time of the day he was always in a stable mood and a good mood and gave me the impression that he was happy to see me.
00:09:42: And in the boyfriend I'm dating now and of course nobody knows if this lasts either right but I'm carefully optimistic but in him I see that too he's an incredibly optimistic guy and usually.
00:09:55: I'm positive and open-minded and I know that if I hadn't had this best friend where I thought this is exactly what I want I wouldn't have noticed it
00:10:04: in this future boyfriend that then showed up on the scene a couple years later right so notice in your friends what you love and then ask yourself why should this just be possible in a platonic relationship
00:10:16: why should this also be possible in a romantic one.
00:10:20: And like I said in my particular example that's exactly what happened because now I decided that was something that I was going to be into that I was going to be looking for.
00:10:30: The next thoughts or experience that I want to share.
00:10:34: Is if you see someone in a crowd in a bar I realize we're not in a lot of bars these days but if you meet someone new and they're in a group of other people or whatever notice whom you notice first.
00:10:47: And then instead of giving that person all the attention look at the people next to him or her what do they like what do they look like how are they engaged in the conversation or that group of people.
00:11:01: In my particular case I would often notice the peacock in the round right the one guy who's a little more verbose who
00:11:10: seems to generate an awful lot of sexual Charisma if you will because he seems to lose power and I'll get to that particular subject in a minute but that is whom I usually would look for
00:11:21: my best friend whom I just mentioned whom I had lived with said ricardia.
00:11:27: Why don't you look at the one sitting next to those guys so say this was actually not my idea what I'm bringing to you but my best friends check them out
00:11:35: and that was such a brilliant move for me because it literally means you're focusing your camera lens if you will your eyes
00:11:44: just a little bit to the left or a little bit to the right of the person that immediately caught your attention and just by shifting
00:11:53: your gaze your physical gaze now you will have shifted your perspective.
00:11:58: And that really really helped me so when I was in a group of people this is before Corona and you could actually still run into groups of people I would look at who's next to the person who seemed to be The Life Of The Party The Entertainer
00:12:11: the player that's what we want to call them and it just
00:12:15: became a different game entirely because now I'm looking at the other guy and I'm not coming just from.
00:12:22: That physical attraction bit I'm not a victim of what I usually am physically attracted to.
00:12:29: And that brings me actually to my very next point.
00:12:32: Try not to go for the physical attraction I know this one's hard right maybe you've been single for a long time so you like a guy all systems go and nobody's around right but
00:12:42: trying to sort of
00:12:44: when you start dating like I met my boyfriend sorry Bo this is gonna sound really bad but you've already had to forgive me for the last 30 episodes so just keep doing that so I actually didn't think of him as like.
00:12:57: My type at all he looked totally nice there was nothing wrong with him but he's still nothing wrong with him but he totally wasn't my type at all I like the.
00:13:08: A certain type of man and he was the exact opposite in colors in energy and everything and when he started to sort of show interest in me that was quite a while before I noticed him
00:13:22: and
00:13:22: that's what I want to say is to not go for the physical attraction first if you get the chance to then get into a conversation with this people what do they say what happens for example after a longer conversational pause.
00:13:37: Do they talk a lot about themselves or how do they treat people around them especially those whom they don't need anything from and all these things and I'll tell you with the bow I went to this date with him
00:13:48: which is really funny because I have a condition where my skin can really really like freaked out and on that day it was
00:13:55: take your lovely bad I just felt I had like the Uglies all over it was
00:13:59: horrible it's not something you can ignore when it breaks out with me you can see it's the first thing you will see around my face and I thought about canceling this day because I was like oh my God there's no way I'm going to face this guy so and I had all my old clothes on the oldest t-shirt really baggy Blazer and I was like fuck it I'm going to go I don't know this guy Perfection and if I don't start practicing that and
00:14:21: now then I'll never do it so I just went to that date feeling incredibly self-conscious about how I looked but just staying in that discomfort because I thought
00:14:30: what's there to lose you know and the funny thing is some sitting there I'm totally self-conscious about my looks.
00:14:38: Technically but he does not contribute to that so after a while I realized.
00:14:43: I'm not feeling self-conscious at all and then I start to really listen to the stuff he says and he said something that sounded a very profound to me and then I literally took a second look at the guy.
00:14:55: And Isaac.
00:14:56: Wait a second so you haven't looked at my face or this part of my face it's happens around my lips by the way once in our conversation wow you say good things.
00:15:06: And that is when I began to feel attracted because he said good things and he gave me feedback about the things I said,
00:15:14: and when there was a conversational pause I didn't mind I didn't try to fill it.
00:15:20: And though he often tried to there was nothing self-conscious about how he did it so again this is just an example.
00:15:28: Of looking at very clearly what is being said how are they engaging with you and the people around you on this date this first or second date.
00:15:37: Another thing I want to talk about is talking to your girlfriend's about what they think why you always date the same person.
00:15:47: And then be very prepared to get some tough feedback because I started doing that I would ask my friends well what is it about me like.
00:15:56: Just tell me like is there something going on and they would say some really good things some of them rather hard hitting that I didn't really feel comfortable hearing but that were very necessary I have one friend
00:16:08: she's my most direct friend I've mentioned her before I like if I need merciless feedback but honest not mean I mean honest then I asked her and she said to me because I said to her
00:16:21: after this first date that I just described to you oh I don't know there were no sparks flying and I mean I don't really see myself like being liked
00:16:29: on fire with this guy and it stayed very neutral even though it was a nice date and she said
00:16:34: what the hell is wrong with you what is with all this Hollywood thing and have to be Sparks and has to be this huge experience and he sounds like a perfectly healthy guy
00:16:45: why aren't you even considering this after all the I think stupidity was the word she use that you've gone through and that you made yourself go through what are you doing
00:16:56: those guys you give a chance who have been absolute nothing but douchebags and this guy.
00:17:02: Who's like really sounding like he's healthy in the head and he's genuinely interested you don't give him the time of day what the fuck if this doesn't go right if you want to do this keep going but I'm not going to stand here and say oh yes barks need to be flying
00:17:15: so that's what she said to me I was like all right thanks that was
00:17:19: brutal but she was right she sat my ass down and read me my rights right like she was not even kidding and.
00:17:29: If you have a friend like that I'm begging you seek her out seek him out and tell them please be honest with me if this is a good relationship you know it's going to survive but you do need that feedback.
00:17:41: And now the reversal if you have friends or coworkers or even parents.
00:17:47: Who have dating patterns that look very much like yours of which you have decided it's a dysfunctional one.
00:17:54: For the love of God do not listen to them because you know misery loves company and I remember when I was in bad relationships.
00:18:03: And I had friends who were in very similar relationship Dynamics we would talk for hours about how unhappy how bad this guy is and you'd come up with nothing
00:18:13: you have talked for hours you probably vented but nothing evolved there was no progress here
00:18:20: misery loves company just keeping that in mind you're not going to evolve if you have a lot of friends who replicate your dating pattern.
00:18:29: And another tricky little thing
00:18:32: that's I noticed much much later and I had to sort of travel back in my own personal history to even uncover this one and that is that we seriously have to ask ourselves.
00:18:45: How do we Define power what does power look like for us.
00:18:52: And then to both check our personal history check our contextual history the society the culture we're in and check our privilege.
00:19:02: And then there's a follow-up question I'll get back to that in a moment but I want to stay on privilege for a moment because.
00:19:10: The way I grew up is very privileged I grew up in Germany in England and in the states.
00:19:18: So always in the west always and very wealthy Nations and even though I was very very poor as a child came from a very poor
00:19:25: family we always had enough to eat and I was able to get a good education la-de-da-de-da but that's still privilege.
00:19:33: And it's also quite a sexist society that I grew up with and that's where I want to get to the power idea.
00:19:41: I'm privileged so I didn't really feel like I had to fight for any rights on a lot of times because I didn't even know I didn't have them half the time and so for me power was definitely defined as male.
00:19:54: Male people male identified even I don't know had power that's who made the decisions that's whose books we read That's whose mathematical formulas we had to study.
00:20:06: And that's who was our soccer coach and our tutor and whatever it was mostly males not the teachers so much I mean the ones who actually had power like
00:20:14: the Headmaster of the school was probably a man and so to understand that you can go dormant when you live in a privileged.
00:20:22: Context like if you already poor and God forbid you live in a country where there's a whole lot of things going
00:20:29: much much worse for women than they do from for me for example here in Germany then it's not so difficult to understand that you're lacking privilege but if you're in a privileged situation you don't often notice
00:20:41: that's you've defined power as Mayo in the west are now for example in Germany and so you think oh it's kind of okay
00:20:47: to relax like that is privileged but also to not recognize the power structure because you're kind of complacent and comfortable so coming out of that is what I want invite us to do.
00:20:59: And the second part that part of the question I wanted to come back to is has power ever been yours have you ever defined yourself.
00:21:08: Not your means not your class not your family not your friends have you ever defined yourself.
00:21:15: As truly powerful have you ever seen power and recognized it as your own.
00:21:22: I find this question key because this one took me for fucking ever I.
00:21:26: Didn't feel very powerful for the most time I thought I was because for a while I made very good money or I had raised my son mostly by myself that felt powerful a little bit but most of the time it was a fleeting
00:21:39: entity if I noticed it at all but what if you felt.
00:21:44: Truly powerful independent from the external factors and conditions you live in.
00:21:51: Because if you have that much natural power not only will you not have to use it,
00:21:56: because people will notice it and you don't need to use our bit to Signal Authority but you also not going to have to lean on anybody for it.
00:22:05: I'll give you an example when I first met my second husband my second husband was an extremely
00:22:12: how do I say well he was a very charismatic guy and a total Macho maybe a maybe I can get away with saying that one and I remember when we
00:22:21: we're going out and we weren't even dating yet this was just a group of friends going out and he happened to be there I remember how he talked to the lady who was managing the guest list of the club
00:22:30: and we weren't on that list because we never registered for the list,
00:22:35: so he I guess wanted to show just how cool he was and he says what do you mean we're not on that list and she says well I can't find your name here by now she's already intimidated just by this tall man exerting his power right she's a young
00:22:49: young girl really and he says okay well whose problem is that it's certainly not mine is it and you know at that moment I should have been like.
00:22:58: Wow that is a really dirty number you're pulling off here like that's not cool that girl did nothing you know.
00:23:06: What was my reaction wow I can't believe how bold he is I can't believe he's actually gonna lie our way into this party and that shames me to say.
00:23:19: I was impressed.
00:23:21: I was impressed by this and be appearance I was impressed by how he just commanded that whole situation and I should have been repelled.
00:23:30: Why was I not repelled because I had never felt that kind of powerful charge that I felt
00:23:37: when I was in situations like with him or with other men before that's a tough one to admit I've evolved from it since then
00:23:45: hopefully sustainably but to just understand that as long as we've never defined power as our own as something that could come in the shape of us.
00:23:54: With our bodies with our gender with who we are on this particular day.
00:23:59: Until that moment arrives we are going to seek it out and we are going to hunt those people down who seem to have it.
00:24:07: And we're not going to be repelled by people who use their power think about that for a moment and the ripple effect it has the replication.
00:24:15: That is in place of this happening over and over again because we said yes to it.
00:24:21: Sort of writing that point home just a little bit more because I love this scene is Julia Roberts in The Runaway Bride
00:24:29: maybe you're too young to know this movie anymore I think it was in the 90s and Julia Roberts keeps ordering her eggs the style that her
00:24:38: current partner you orders them so if their sunny-side up she also is sunny-side up if they're over easy she does that scrambled whatever poached whatever he ordered she just went with that and seconded that order.
00:24:51: And I remember that used to happen to me to a lot not because the guy demanded it.
00:24:58: Not because we were a caved by someone who wanted to control us not necessarily anyway no but because we sort of adjust
00:25:07: as women were incredible adjusters right this is our one of our greatest strengths is that we can adapt to a situation and hopefully create peace a lot of times where others wouldn't but it also means
00:25:18: we ride the wave of another person's power or decision-making abilities or whatever it is.
00:25:26: So if you're the kind of person who still orders her eggs or makes up our mind in a way that very closely resembles to the current relationship she's in.
00:25:35: Then maybe date yourself just for a moment longer you know just until you know how you like your eggs.
00:25:41: And lastly I have a book recommendation for you and it's not a book about dating it's not even a book about being single but what it is about it's a book
00:25:51: about being truly in your power as a woman now you've probably already read it it's one of my top five books like it's my Bible
00:26:00: and it's called women who run with the Wolves if you've already read it.
00:26:07: But you're in a sort of a situation where you feel like you're repeating patterns come back to it not because it explains how to break open patterns but because it explains how we women have to return to that wild woman Inside us,
00:26:20: that wild woman who knows stuff because when you tap into this power.
00:26:26: This degree of authenticity and true true femininity.
00:26:31: Let's not even get started with female gods and goddesses rather when we tap into that.
00:26:37: Ain't nobody able to impress us easily with how they treat people badly ain't nobody going to be able to offer you a lifestyle Ally as source of power.
00:26:48: That you can't get by yourself in a much more benign and healthy way.
00:26:53: All right hey I made it one episode I'm so happy I hope this was helpful to you this is one of my favorite subjects to talk about I could totally see myself doing that again love to hear from you if you've been able to sort.
00:27:05: Change those patterns around and ask yourself some of those tough questions and I hope to hear from you soon until then do take care lots of.
00:27:15: Music.
