00:00:00: Music.
00:00:12: Hey everybody welcome back to a new edition of me and the gals my name is ricardia I'm one of the hosts and I am joined by.
00:00:21: Hi everyone this is Karina hello this is Sophia
00:00:24: that's right those are my co-host for those of you who have not yet had the incredible fun listening to the three of us today we're going to talk about a.
00:00:36: I want to call it a favorite subject which sounds a little morbid when you think about the title which is crappy childhood crappy adulthood question mark
00:00:46: we came to this subject we do all the time because we're always talking about well crappy childhoods and experiences in general and we noticed a certain thing happens Sophia
00:01:00: would you like to get us started on this one yeah well
00:01:05: I didn't have a crappy childhood come on there she goes yeah exactly and what happens is that you get really angry both of you and Karina something to say.
00:01:15: I want to slap you so can you please explain what you are.
00:01:22: Why why are you thinking like that why are you ostracizing me so yes it's true Sofia will sometimes tell a story.
00:01:29: Keep in mind we're in Sweden and Sofia and Karina are from Sweden so anytime Sofia opens her mouth to narrate.
00:01:36: Little anecdote from her childhood I feel like I'm reading and Astrid Lindgren story right so maybe we'll start with Karina what is it like to be married to Polly on over here oh it's awful it's so provocative,
00:01:49: well actually it's not that is not true because sometimes or rather I should say I think I have.
00:01:58: Been able to see another perspective of Me by listening to her happy childhood
00:02:06: makes my crappy childhood even worse in a way so thank you for that but it also sort of it gives me a bit of Hope because when I look at myself today as a grown up,
00:02:19: person and having an adult live life I actually think I'm doing quite well
00:02:26: you know even though I had a crappy childhood sometimes I think like that and sometimes I think.
00:02:33: Oh can you imagine where I could have reached if I would have had.
00:02:41: You know supportive parents and the health relationship with people around me and no alcoholism and no depressions and no nothing around me.
00:02:52: Where would I have been if that have been the case.
00:02:56: In a way you're comparing and so that is what sort of triggers the provocation there that you feel like.
00:03:03: Come on that seems kind of unfair to you maybe is that what you're saying yeah I immediately feel it's unfair in a way but then my adult me takes over because I know.
00:03:14: When you go through hard things what is unfair,
00:03:17: well it's kind of unfair that I didn't have it but you had it you know in a way but I'm also I'm trying to think and I've always tried to think about hardships as.
00:03:30: Like good things in the end because once you're through the hardships it kind of makes your bigger it makes you stronger and it makes you.
00:03:42: I hope a better person can I say that.
00:03:45: Yeah but so I should be actually I should be grateful for the tough Parts in my life I guess.
00:03:52: But sometimes I forget about that and you provoked me because.
00:03:57: Dad what did you also want me to have a would it be better if I had a shitty childhood shoes I love what would it be better because I mean I'm sorry I can't
00:04:09: no it wouldn't if I feel like you because when we are now it's going to be a,
00:04:14: A procession here yes sometimes when we argue which we seldom do but when we do you sometimes can say stuff like.
00:04:23: I don't know but you get angry and then I said that's easy for you to say yeah yeah exactly yeah it is easy for me to say.
00:04:30: There is a difference in experience I mean I have in mind
00:04:34: just to sort of so this doesn't become a full full on domestic problem here let me come in here but I also have the same reaction as Karina does my reaction to Sofia story and also actually an ex relationship.
00:04:47: That I had of mine there's sort of this mixture and maybe Karina you can also speak to this we're part of me doesn't believe it as I clearly you're in denial then there's the envious part that you've already mentioned then it gets slightly annoyed,
00:05:01: because I'm like wait but why like what,
00:05:05: you don't know anything is my reaction and then we'll get to the adult reaction later which is of course inspiration gratitude that this person exists and a little bit of awe,
00:05:17: yeah kind of like watching Pippi Longstocking I mean it now because I'm not.
00:05:23: How does she do that in my reaction like in this mixed reaction that I have
00:05:31: I realize
00:05:33: I'm not so great with dealing with someone who did have a Content childhood whereas if somebody tells me just how 10 types of crappy that childhood was I'm like oh yeah I get you.
00:05:43: Do you get that I know and the oh yes I get this one because you feel connected to the.
00:05:50: People around you that sort of have the same experience because then you sort of have something to talk about and totally get the other person who can totally feel what they feeling and what they had feel felt but.
00:06:03: With Sofia that's not the case.
00:06:07: But we're still getting along so well this is very interesting hmm that we actually picked each other yes I am not attracted to people that are just like me.
00:06:17: Because I don't think there is any
00:06:22: resistance in that but I'm very interested in people so I mean if everything was A-OK and happy chappy well if I can say something here.
00:06:34: When I'm thinking about it now I'm so so happy for myself that I actually managed to change my radar because it's a question about having a radar to find the right people for you and I think you are the right
00:06:48: person for me because of the differences we have in in our childhood the way we became adults and.
00:06:58: You know simply change the differences in challenges and experiences because that gives us to a very interesting.
00:07:09: Dynamic dynamic yes it does doesn't it.
00:07:14: Absolutely you Karina feel like you did any sort of I'm going to call it inner work if you weren't you.
00:07:22: Another way of doing it oh no no but what were some of the things that you feel like enabled you if you will to not.
00:07:36: Maybe now have a partner who had a similar childhood to you who is not I'm putting this in very big quotation marks broken in some ways,
00:07:46: what do you think helped you to become someone who's essentially not caught up in,
00:07:51: drama drama whatever label we want to put on it and to move forward and I'm going to go ahead and put this in quotes again healthier way yeah what did you do I wish I had a good answer to that one,
00:08:03: the first thing I thought of to say this is.
00:08:08: A bit hard to say but I think it was actually Sofia who saw the potential in me before I saw the potential in me to be a partner to you.
00:08:19: Hmm I think I you gave me a way of seeing myself Through Your Eyes,
00:08:25: oh my god well I'm gonna cry now Cloud which is a very good thing to experience actually unless you said I've done a lot of inner work I've done in a work.
00:08:38: I'm so fed up with the inner work so it's actually quite nice to actually just live you know be in a relationship that.
00:08:48: Has this Dynamic I think what's encouraging about what you're saying and in fact really admitting that Sofia
00:08:57: in a way evoked this aspect of you write what I like about it
00:09:02: and what I think is encouraging is that a lot of people think I have to first become this that or the other person I have to optimize this about myself I got to improve on that I got to catch up with that shithead who.
00:09:16: You know rejected me in ninth grade whatever because only when I have checked all these boxes I've crossed my T's and have dotted my eyes am I ready for a relationship and I think.
00:09:28: What in the name of you know if you seek a what I'll never be done are you kidding me how many lifetimes am I supposed to spend one don't forget we are never going to be sort of.
00:09:40: Ready done finished no no no that that work continues this lifetime and many many lives to come I believe.
00:09:49: And it continues in the relationship I mean I'd love to hear from Sofia now it's not like you find a person okay done Works done like that's when the work begins in some ways know what defines that.
00:10:01: What do you say in my childhood.
00:10:05: I mean that's so great I mean of course I also had faces difficulties yes of course you're good you were challenged.
00:10:14: You see you were challenged by the adults around you which is.
00:10:20: Not always an easy thing either because I wasn't challenged at all,
00:10:26: I mean there was nobody who actually told me what to do and how to do it and why and how I should feel or how I should think or you know like a parent.
00:10:36: We supposed to do I guess why like you don't mean challenging necessarily I think you mean encouraging yeah because I mean I was plenty challenged as a kid I'll tell you that just not in a good way.
00:10:48: What do you mean I think Sofia had both the challenges.
00:10:54: Because you were often told how things should be done yeah and you had a lot of expectations yeah a lot of expectations but I also
00:11:03: I think that my parents or my potential I think so and which I couldn't at sometimes if but yeah but bye.
00:11:16: But my father,
00:11:17: and mother but I think especially my father because he has read a lot of books on Gross so gross self-growth and that he wanted
00:11:26: I think his philosophy was that he wanted me to be the best version of me my mother also there was a lot of encouragement a lot of encouragement but also of course criticism
00:11:40: hmm I mean it doesn't it hasn't hurt me or anything now I think what I always noticed in Sofia.
00:11:49: Is and I wonder what comes first a word that gets thrown around a lot and it's called resilience,
00:11:55: and what it essentially means how I understand it to be is that yes you have challenges yes life throws you it's not like Sophia had the perfectly smooth sailing life but
00:12:08: these people bounce back from difficulty mmm more quickly and with less.
00:12:16: Feelings of traumatization and I feel like Sofia has that whereas with other childhoods it can sometimes happen that it feels like a trigger.
00:12:26: Or at least a repetition and we don't bounce back sometimes as quickly it takes longer I think because you have to figure everything out by yourself.
00:12:37: That's a very strong feeling I have that I have been very lonely in my in my growth and in my decisions and in my you know Crossroads I think that.
00:12:48: Yes you bounced back maybe faster but what I don't bounce back.
00:12:57: Faster from his like nasty people really nasty people.
00:13:02: They can really get to me nasty people because you're not used to them no I'm not you know I like me yeah but I am yeah but you see.
00:13:12: I think that this has been a strategy or a wave,
00:13:17: to survive for me because I was adopted and I think I was abandoned a couple of times in my very early
00:13:25: stages in life so I think that I developed a shield or something so immediately if I feel that it was something dodgy going on or whatever
00:13:35: and if I feel that this person is not this person doesn't mean well I immediately shut off and I can absolutely just
00:13:44: walk away even though we could have been friends forever as because you're not used to taking shit and no not you being treated right no
00:13:53: in a bad way or yeah.
00:13:56: But I just very interesting to me because I just you know I know I get a lot of kids criticism a lot of people have said that to me that how could you just do you know,
00:14:06: that or that person off and,
00:14:09: you know if somebody shows me their faith their right face what they really think of me or what they really would like to say when they're drunk or whatever.
00:14:21: Then I feel that that is not a friend of mine and that there is no way you can sit down and have a conversation with that person to say okay let's figure this out
00:14:33: so I'm not the one who's you know I'm but not banging my head against the wall with those people and.
00:14:42: Quite frankly they always leave a little bit of a scar in me but.
00:14:47: Bouncing back hmm no I don't think so I don't think I'll bounce back I just let it go somehow.
00:14:55: Well that to me does signify bouncing back maybe yeah but it's still there.
00:15:02: Yeah I know but you won't like you said you cut off sooner yeah and from the sounds of what you both said just before you don't run into them
00:15:11: as much whereas I feel like sometimes what Karina has said is that they were all around it was like well if it cut them all off I'm going to be standing here by myself yeah but it's like
00:15:23: I think
00:15:24: what you can't see you can't be and then immediately you attract a certain type of people in terms of the question we asked at the onset right like does a crappy childhood automatically
00:15:36: yields a crappy adulthood then for me I would have to say not necessarily.
00:15:44: And yet I sometimes feel like when we listen to Sophia and she tells us another strawberry picking story or whatever it was and that I sometimes feel like.
00:15:54: Not anymore but it used to be I thought this person is never going to fully understand me,
00:16:00: because they don't know what it's like to be X Y and Z and by thinking that I had successfully not just made myself a bit of a victim which can happen that's fine but.
00:16:13: I could have run the risk of staying in that crappy childhood.
00:16:18: So I guess going forward the question is how has have you Karina and then me too how did we somehow managed to not turn this into a crappy adulthood
00:16:29: granted at later times in our lives I mean we both needed a moment here to get what we are and what did we change I suppose is the question.
00:16:38: I think I changed the people around me my choices of people that's the one that's one big step for me
00:16:46: for sure and I'm not saying that I have a totally crappy adult life not my entire adult life but I have had some crappy years for sure
00:16:56: now that I think of it it's like I lost a couple of years there by Simply Having You know the wrong people in my life so.
00:17:05: Yeah I'm kind of looking forward to my next life I will do everything right by the book you mean your spiritual life in my spiritual life yeah I'm thinking I am doing the best I can right now in my life.
00:17:20: And it's not a crappy adulthood I would say no you do not know but I think that can change during your life definitely.
00:17:28: If you wanted to change I mean there are people who
00:17:31: who never change they just keep on but I would like to see myself as a person who has changed yeah but I also think my if I might be the provocative one here again,
00:17:45: I mean I think you're not fully grown or an adult or you're not mature or whatever.
00:17:54: I mean you become that when you let go.
00:17:58: All of your childhood on you you put the blame on your parents or whatever when you can let that go I think you have got
00:18:07: come a long way because I think that certain events in your life will definitely change you I mean for instance if a parent die
00:18:17: you start to look at that person in another way when they're gone and all of a sudden these people.
00:18:24: Almost our Saints you can only remember the good times you can only remember the nice times you had with that person even though when you could have like really really horrible fights with them but
00:18:36: I think that when a big event like that happens you
00:18:40: are maybe or I did I re-evaluated my childhood you grow up full so maybe habits yes you do and I got immediately I got another
00:18:50: kind of relationship with my father and your mother died yes we said to each other the day after the funeral we were sitting in a cafe and he looked at me and he said.
00:19:03: Let's promise each other that we always going to be honest with each other and always say how we feel yeah.
00:19:13: Yeah yeah but you know and and then change that changed because I always really I haven't always said what I'd say what I feel but somewhere along the line when you grow up you have to leave the childhood behind you and,
00:19:25: get on with your life kind of thing yes but if it's really serious things
00:19:29: that has happened I don't think you know you can say get on with your life come on girl no but you have to work through them of course yes of course and with help.
00:19:40: Supporting people around you but know I think a lot of people are focusing so much on their childhood so that
00:19:50: shitty shine hole so whatever but
00:19:53: I mean even though if you if you if you talk about somebody and you say that all of us really horrible because he he killed the neighbor or something and everybody's young yes I know but he had a very tough childhood.
00:20:07: Just like that's when explain something you can't blame everything in your no childhood you you need to put a lot of people do.
00:20:14: Hmm a lot of people do when they have that let you know that draw that card you know yeah I know I know I had a horrible childhood okay.
00:20:23: Yeah well do it yeah you did but you're not a serial killer no I'm not no
00:20:27: I think everybody can be anybody depending on what life
00:20:33: does to you handsome by the way I think we can all be Mother Teresa and we can all be an evil despot but I want to Circle back to some things Sofia said which is the idea that we use.
00:20:45: What we consider a crappy childhood like mine wasn't crappy throughout by the way but there were definitely some long faces that.
00:20:55: Created certain events that made me a little less courageous maybe about life or whatever it is but I want to Circle back to this idea that maybe.
00:21:02: We employ all these explanations because we're in this Freudian almost or psychoanalytical Tradition now that everything gets explained with the crappy childhood and though there is.
00:21:16: Validity to it there's this other psychologists who lived.
00:21:21: And new Freud at the same time you his name is Alfred Adler and he actually separated from the whole Freudian philosophy if we want to call it that.
00:21:31: At a very early stage and though I haven't read a book about Alfred Adler I read a book where they spoke a lot in his tradition and.
00:21:40: Just to sort of put a little provocative question at the end actually full-on denies trauma.
00:21:47: And I took a huge offense when I first read this book.
00:21:52: What's it called it's that Japanese guy something I don't know the German title was you don't have to be liked by everybody and I know that's not the English title but for the life of me I can't recall it I read.
00:22:03: My excuse is going to be I read a lot of books people yeah and what they talk about is that you
00:22:08: are how you have a benefit by using your childhood like let's say there's something you routinely don't do maybe it's big crowds
00:22:19: routinely avoid big crowds because they scare the crap out of you and you get anxiety the idea here that was being proclaimed was.
00:22:27: You're using that anxiety to maybe get attention to maybe get someone to take care of you maybe even to draw a certain kind of partner yeah what do you what do you think about that philosophy I've heard this I've actually heard someone say that
00:22:42: about the person I used to have in my life as a child that some people use that,
00:22:49: to get what they want by all the good little bit now offended boot because I don't like big crowds and I do get anxiety and in really big crowds like big concerts and so on and that's not because I want.
00:23:03: Attention absolutely not but did you eat do you mean a little bit of a drama queen or you mean like really severe anxiety.
00:23:12: I don't for one like the word drama queen anyway it's like hysterical it's just one of those words connoted two women that I can't stand however I've thought about it I thought of actually gay guys drama queens
00:23:25: oh yeah I'm sure they're going to be real happy about that one but anyway
00:23:31: no I mean when I guess it's important that to state that each of us is always only talking from her own experience right so I'm not making a blanket statement here but I thought what was interesting
00:23:42: is that I took offense I got a little pissed off at what he was saying because.
00:23:48: It's not like I felt like someone's not understanding me or belittling me it's because I wondered on
00:23:55: does he have a point like getting something out of this and that is the question I went after and to be very honest I kind of did a little bit yeah.
00:24:05: Because when you say you've had a crappy childhood and you know I don't know you had depressed parents for example it is a tiny fraction may be a little bit easier.
00:24:16: Talking about myself now that when I'm in a depressed mood what what are you going to do,
00:24:21: you know Dad was like that or mom was like that and that makes it a bit too easy but I'm speaking for myself not for other people and certainly not for people who have full on depression just as
00:24:31: this is a very mundane example what do you think no think there's something in that but I think it's also probably a bit sort of dangerous.
00:24:40: To make that effect and say this is the way it is definitely but isn't it also like they want to have explanations.
00:24:49: Isn't it like all humans wants to know.
00:24:52: You said something about oh my mother was depressed or for an example as an example but I think that.
00:25:00: I mean if you're not feeling good.
00:25:02: If you are depressed or you have anxiety whatever and you have somebody in your family I think that's the first way to go because like I said as a human being you seek explanations or I do,
00:25:16: I mean I really would like to but you know it doesn't matter for me to be honest because I can't look at my parents and say why do I why am I like this or not because they are not my biological ones so I just have to like.
00:25:31: Whatever.
00:25:32: But not only that it's like it doesn't help me like all secretary P when they talk about my father and my mother first of all I get totally bored
00:25:41: I'm already bored hearing myself talk about I'm like do could we talk about something else this is boring the hell out of me
00:25:48: secondly it doesn't help me everybody has parents who have issues for Christ's sake they're humans right granted now that my nose smaller than other people's but it doesn't help me to dig this is why I believe in coaching,
00:26:02: by the way because it never helped me to keep digging back and go back again over father and mother,
00:26:09: didn't go forward it just going backwards I have been in therapy also a lot different kind couples therapy alone and I've been doing different kinds of we all yes that's why I mean and I must say the amount I,
00:26:24: get out of you know in terms of insights or my feelings or let you know cry or laugh or whatever it is I get it.
00:26:34: I get more out of you and.
00:26:37: It's been speaking to my very very wise and loving friends then I
00:26:45: ever had from the therapist except for one but I'm not going to mention her name but but that's us I also know examples of people who totally benefited from therapy by the way mites all go through a journey so I guess it's a matter of what methodology works
00:27:00: for you but for me the backward motion just didn't didn't do it for me I always felt.
00:27:06: You know you can have a crappy childhood but you don't have to have a crappy in adulthood and therapy just didn't seem like the kind of method that would guarantee that process you know no.
00:27:20: All right anyway.
00:27:22: That was a very interesting conversation I feel like we could have said a lot more but I want to wrap it up here so I'll ask one more.
00:27:32: Question.
00:27:35: What does a happy adulthood look like for you there is no such thing as total happiness all the time.
00:27:45: I have come to that conclusion that the moments when you actually feel happy they come and go.
00:27:54: So for me it's a way of
when I say I have a good life and I'm happy and all that.
00:28:00: I mean life goes up and down back and forth but to have a sort of a ground feeling of I am being loved.
00:28:09: And I am capable of loving my partner in this case
that's a good attitude adulthood.
00:28:18: I think you can be 100% happy you see ya this is her Tyler yeah so we really are coming full circle and I know that you know
00:28:27: of course it's ups and downs but I feel 100% happy all the time or you actually happen
00:28:35: all of the yeah yeah I am happy all the time but then you have the circumcenter company annoyed I can be angry or whatever I mean no but I'm kind of happy all the time if I look inside of me my core it's happy
00:28:48: because I'm happy I'm a happy camper no but if I have to Define it there is just one thing and that's.
00:28:57: Safety for me to feel so this it feel safe yes me too mmm.
00:29:04: I can totally relate to that Soph imbalanced.
00:29:08: Yeah I think for me because it would probably entail the safety.
00:29:14: Because I was just asked this in the interview on that podcast I did the other day by the way German speakers and Falcons Laban doesn't interview with me about
00:29:22: conscious uncoupling there how was that for a pitch but for me she asked me at the end what does glucose
00:29:29: in Germany they have this word glueck fortune actually means you and I was caught off guard by the question and I answered.
00:29:39: To really really like myself.
00:29:43: That was mine yeah because everything else can come from there you know felt that way all right girls thank you so much again thank you mostly as always.
00:29:53: For your honesty and the Frank answers that you sometimes give,
00:29:59: bye girls coming by thank you but I'm sorry one more thing I forgot we have a new landing page we have a website Karina you want to tell them what the URL is it's me and the gals.com
00:30:12: check it out so subscribe to the podcast rate and review wherever you do get your podcast and if you think you might want to be a gallon are.
00:30:22: Music.
