00:00:00: Music.
00:00:12: To a new episode of bitch breathe and I am your host ricardia.
00:00:18: Today is a very special broadcast if you will for me because today is episode number 50.
00:00:26: So it's 50 episodes of bitch breathe of my reminiscent renderings with you all who have been participating and supporting me and so so many ways and on so many channels and it's also.
00:00:39: A year so I have been a podcaster for a year and that of course makes me think back and reflect on the kind of year I guess we've all.
00:00:49: Had to varying degrees of.
00:00:51: Misery but also Euphoria and new discoveries I think and I just really wanted to take a moment to thank you.
00:01:00: Joining me on this journey which took me a lot of courage to begin and if there weren't that special person in my life who hadn't pushed me to do so
00:01:09: so this is a shout out to the bow then this might not have happened or might have happened a lot later who knows so I'm really happy to.
00:01:17: Still be here with you and to step into dialogue when we do write to each other
00:01:23: I also want to thank those of you who are supporting my book I have written and I'm in the second rewrite of a book about breakups called The Break-Up call and I have
00:01:35: started to read from that book on gumroad so if you'd like to support the project if you'd like to join the conversation about this subject then I welcome you there you'll find the link to gumroad in the show notes.
00:01:51: So for the anniversary issue we are going to talk about the magic and misconceptions of self-love.
00:01:59: Self-love is big on the agenda of all the spiritual and the dating scenes these days I think I can't open my Instagram feed without there being some reference to the concept or a hashtag self-love and
00:02:14: there's been so much talk about it and so much literature that came out for the subject thankfully.
00:02:19: That I've actually been reading and looking into it for quite some time both because life demanded it of me and because it's so prominent in.
00:02:29: Algorithm I guess or my environment basically the idea of self-love has become so.
00:02:37: Mandatory I guess in some ways that if we don't manage self-love we sometimes feel like we've failed the class and then you got to take this class like over and over and over again until you finally master.
00:02:50: Self-love and their armies of coaches and teachers and gurus and self pronounced experts letting us know that everything starts with loving ourselves.
00:03:03: And they're not wrong in fact I dedicated a whole section of my book to this particular idea so that said it feels like.
00:03:12: You've got some sort of choice going on that of self-love or self-love is what the feeling is with me anytime I read about it anywhere.
00:03:21: I feel like oh my God that is such a tall order self-loathing is and I can go there any day of the week but the whole self-love idea feels like this
00:03:31: really high standard of accomplishment that I'm not quite sure am I ever going to obtain that or at least it used to be that I thought I'm not going to get even close
00:03:42: so today I want to look at some of the.
00:03:45: Misconceptions about self-love meaning what it is not or how maybe we have started to contort this idea into something that is actually quite the opposite or at least goes in a different direction but also the magic
00:03:58: of self-love itself
00:04:01: so first and foremost just for completion sake I want to mention that there's nothing wrong with getting a mani and pedi and calling it self-love I just would want for us to
00:04:12: not stop there so even though self care is part of self-love.
00:04:17: Unless we dig a little bit deeper and get a whole lot more uncomfortable than taking care of ourselves in a cosmetic or overtly obvious way is only going to go well skin-deep so just wanted to send that ahead so we don't get confused about the two ideas
00:04:37: one of the things that I thought were starting to happen around the idea of self-love is
00:04:42: we starting to think like we have to do this alone that would make sense right who else is going to love us the way we do who else is capable
00:04:51: of that but I want to disagree with this in a little way because I don't want self-love to become this item.
00:04:58: On a list of things I have to get independent about so yes it is very important
00:05:04: that we love ourselves but it's not something we have to achieve.
00:05:08: All by ourselves or that has to sort of become this agenda that we have to pursue and know how to do it by ourselves this is going to be very hard to do in fact if I hadn't had
00:05:20: a community of people around me and we'll get to role models and stuff later and literature and.
00:05:26: Seeing people who know how to do this well there was no way I was going to be able to what felt at the beginning manufacture this feeling
00:05:36: if we lack role models in our lives if we don't know what self-love looks like then there's no way we're going to be able to do it unless we've naturally been born with a whole lot of it
00:05:46: I also know people like that who are just naturally taking care of themselves who love their own accomplishments.
00:05:53: And who have a healthy self-esteem these are the minority but they do exist for them it's probably not so difficult to
00:06:03: get to that idea of self-love but for the rest of us maybe I just wanted to remind us that we don't have to do self-love by ourselves.
00:06:14: One of the misconceptions about self-love I feel has become that this is some sort of a stationary goal or.
00:06:22: A permanently static state that once reached we no longer have to take care of now again if you're naturally in this position of.
00:06:33: Taking very good care of yourself and really respecting and loving yourself then that may be true but if you're not exactly coming to this concept naturally.
00:06:43: Then it's important to keep going and that is why among many other reasons for me love is not just a noun it's a verb we have to keep doing it for it to keep working
00:06:56: making it a habit of engaging in activities and treatments if you will I don't mean Botox
00:07:05: is I don't mean Botox although that can totally be part of it for you I just mean that we want to be practicing.
00:07:13: All sorts of activities learning new activities may be getting some inspiration from other people about what self-love in action for us looks like.
00:07:23: And so to just keep going with that because if we stop
00:07:28: because maybe we have a new relationship and we're getting distracted or there's a new career step ahead and it's taking up a lot of our time or we're traveling or this one is huge we have children and we're taking care of family than the whole idea of self-love if not practiced
00:07:43: will quickly drop to the bottom of your I'm going to call it to do list so love is a verb.
00:07:49: Keep added another thing around this idea of self-love or love indeed.
00:07:57: Is that love is not a status game so if we're making everyone else around us toxic because maybe we've had this big-ass Awakening are we been to that workshop and now we're like yep everyone around me is toxic,
00:08:11: if that is what's happening we have to examine could that be true could that really actually be what is going on right now.
00:08:20: Or maybe we've begun to do this whole idea of self-love by excluding.
00:08:26: Other people from that so I love myself so damn much that you have now been designated a toxic person
00:08:34: that can happen our circle of friends can reshuffle all the time depending on our own personal transformation that is not the problem.
00:08:43: The problem is if I have now elevated my new insights my new me.
00:08:48: Indeed to a point where everyone else clearly isn't getting it so to just remember that if are cultivating
00:08:56: of self-love has become something that elevates us above most other people then maybe we've dropped into the other trap which is
00:09:05: we now love ourselves so much we know so much so much better
00:09:09: that now nobody else fits into our idea our life anymore and just to sort of examine that that could be true for many I know that it was that for me many years ago with some friends but it doesn't necessarily.
00:09:23: Have to be that way and if it develops in a very strong way to maybe ask ourselves have we gone overboard with the whole concept a little bit.
00:09:32: And you know what else I find interesting sometimes it's not so easy for me to understand the difference between selfish.
00:09:41: And self-love I feel like that takes a really trained eye to pick these two apart.
00:09:47: And so what I began to do what I love to do because I'm so in love with questions sometimes more than I am with with their answers or answers in general was to ask myself.
00:09:59: What are some of the criteria that are used to determine selfish.
00:10:03: Or self-love because what looks selfish too many could just be a really strong statement of self-love to others.
00:10:12: And when we begin to cultivate self-love
00:10:15: we're not necessarily going to be met with open arms in our families in our careers you know expectations are going to be like but wait why are you suddenly doing this you can't just
00:10:26: change on us like this but you always used to do this for me and that is the moment we only have to ask yourself OK am I being selfish or am I for the first time in my life actually loving myself and so setting up some healthy boundaries.
00:10:39: But how do I know the difference how do I know what self-love looks like.
00:10:45: I think we all know what selfish looks like but maybe we're not exactly sure about the interpretation of either of those things.
00:10:54: So I began to ask myself questions as to what kind of culture did I grow up in how was selfish.
00:11:01: Defined and did anyone even ever mention or live the idea of self-love.
00:11:07: Another clue we could be looking for is gender huge what's men sometimes do take care of business to take care of family you know just taking care of shit looks like a determined
00:11:21: I'm responsible male when a woman decides to take care of business and go for that career
00:11:29: it's not necessarily considered determined or positively connoted it's considered selfish and so to understand that what is considered selfish or self-love for a male energy or male identified people
00:11:44: will not look the same for female and to be very alert about the differences there.
00:11:52: Of course our background our family.
00:11:55: Our ethnic background can be a huge clue as to how selfish and self-love is defined.
00:12:03: And I want to get into a lovely example that my aunt provided for me many many years ago my aunt is.
00:12:10: Way over 70 if she was already way over 70 at the time she's got this little Rose tattooed over her.
00:12:17: Left boob I think it is on her chest there and we were looking through old pictures and one of the pictures portrayed her in a bikini not too long ago so this was a woman in her 70s.
00:12:31: Looking at a picture of herself in a bikini
00:12:34: and my aunt is a regular Trinidadian woman so she's full figured and has this beautiful skin tone and she looks at this picture and we're all looking at it I have
00:12:44: very big Trinidadian family with tons of cousins and we're all looking at this picture and my aunt looks at it.
00:12:52: And she's got this big smile on her face and she says load I love myself.
00:13:00: And it came from such a
00:13:03: place of true self value and appreciation that in that moment I sent a prayer to the heavens saying please goddesses let me be this loving towards my
00:13:16: visual self but also my inner self when I am my aunt's age and
00:13:21: I know that that could sound superficial like what she thought she was hot in a bikini but that's not what I mean I mean that aging is difficult.
00:13:29: Even more difficult for females maybe in some ways that there's a certain Beauty standard we all live up to whatever my aunt did not care.
00:13:38: She saw herself and thought she looked beautiful and I looked at her and I thought yes absolutely that is that is the truth you indeed are a person who radiates
00:13:50: and
00:13:51: I just thought that was such an amazing example of somebody really being their own fan not in a narcissistic way but in a self-appreciation way.
00:14:02: That seemed really healthy to me at that moment so looking for we're in our gender in our upbringing and everywhere else we've found examples of selfish versus self-love.
00:14:14: If those examples still don't give us Clues as to what one or the other could be or how they could be interpreted then maybe we can look at the outcome.
00:14:25: Of how these behaviors panned out.
00:14:29: So once somebody is acted very selfishly or very self lovingly you can tell by the results of that behavior which was which.
00:14:39: So if it was very selfish there could have been
00:14:41: not just hurt feelings because self-care can do that to our self-love but maybe some actual consequences somebody going on a trip even though their partner really really needs help right now or is going through a tough time with their career or with the children whatever they may be.
00:14:57: Postpone that vacation for another time that would be self-love because you still taking that vacation for yourself but you're also paying attention to what the needs of this partner or this family member are
00:15:09: so really looking at the outcome of how much damage occurs from this behavior and how much self-love occurs
00:15:18: after the behavior even in others as they take their cues from this person who's exercising their rights and their ability
00:15:26: to take care of themselves sometimes I'm still not sure what's what and I find it hard to draw up
00:15:34: Borders or boundaries around those I love I think sometimes it's harder to self-love when there are obligations and duties for family members and loved ones.
00:15:44: Then it is maybe at work or maybe for you it's exactly the other way around you can totally set up boundaries around family but at work you like that's right yes I will take on that extra workload and work through the weekend.
00:15:56: So when we're still not sure what is what it's helpful to look at our friends and our community and to see who looks like they really love themselves and I have this one particular friend I've been friends with her.
00:16:09: For many many years she lives in Florida now and I've always throughout the years noticed that no matter what upheaval was in her
00:16:19: life she even went through an incredible depression about for a couple of years and repeatedly she was a dancer and then she was doing really well and so
00:16:29: there were very extreme different phases but throughout these phases that girl knew how to take care of herself.
00:16:36: She would take ages picking out healthy food at the deli sometimes I'd be like oh my God can we just get out of here just pick something or she would like
00:16:45: read the ingredients of the label and she would listen in carefully how this food had reacted or she had reacted to the food she was on antidepressants and so she would feel out okay which cocktail of these is working until she realize none of them were
00:17:00: but she kept staying in touch with herself and kept examining and questioning.
00:17:07: How certain behaviors medications Foods.
00:17:11: External stimuli and internal imput were affecting her that to me to this day is an example of self care.
00:17:21: And so as a consequence self-love when you constantly exercise and are interested and curious in
00:17:29: how you are reacting how you're doing and how that affects you
00:17:34: and this friend was still able to help me when I needed help it's not like she just totally took care of herself and everybody else didn't matter no but there was always
00:17:42: an examination going on while she also took care of others so the last.
00:17:47: One of the last things I'm going to say about this is how do I know that I love myself.
00:17:53: Or that I'm on my way to doing so for many years and even sometimes these days depending on what life is serving up today I still find it hard.
00:18:04: To know have I learned anything I might getting better at this and I just high-fiving myself I don't know if you've heard of this whole thing on instead was a huge Trend and then she wrote a book about it forgotten her name right now
00:18:15: but it's called the high five habit and so the idea is that you high-five yourself in the mirror
00:18:20: I can strongly recommend it it's a really fun thing to do even if it's just a point of making yourself look really silly.
00:18:26: But how do I know that I am high-fiving myself every day that things are
00:18:31: getting better in the self-love department and for me I couldn't often feel it inside but what I did manage to look at was had my circle of friends changed since I first.
00:18:43: Embarked on this journey did the choice of romantic partners
00:18:48: get modified in any way what is the interaction with my parents like now have I noticed changes there and what about my career
00:18:58: have I made more conscious choices maybe do I feel like I can more identify with my career my circle of friends whatever it is in my life than I used to be able to and is the discrepancy between how other people see me
00:19:12: and how I see me getting smaller do I enjoy my own company more than maybe I did before.
00:19:19: Do I make different meals for myself and why why do I do these things because someone told me or because maybe I've actually begun to enjoy taking care of myself.
00:19:31: And so those are some of the questions we can ask ourselves when we're not sure how am I doing here how's that whole self-love thing working out for me.
00:19:39: So I'd really love to hear from you what are some of the questions.
00:19:43: That you ask yourself or how have you shown up for yourself in your life that truly Manifest this whole idea of self-love.
00:19:52: That everybody and their brother is claiming to be pursuing these days.
00:19:57: I'm looking forward to hearing from you as always you can write to me at bitch breathe at gmail.com.
00:20:03: The i in the word bitch is a number one join us on our Facebook group of the same name or just drop me a line on Instagram.
00:20:13: Thank you again for joining me for 50 episodes of which breathe until next time.
00:20:18: Music.
