00:00:00: Music.
00:00:11: Vac it's a new episode of bitch breathe and I am your host ricardia.
00:00:16: First off apologies for my absence I started a new job plus my birthday's coming up so there's been a lot going on and I didn't actually manage to.
00:00:27: Broadcast if you will last week so I'm hoping you were all the more looking forward to this episode this week.
00:00:35: The other day I was at a coffee place I was struggling with my copy machine it wasn't doing the format that I needed and I was awfully frustrated so I hung out by this coffee machine
00:00:46: for a while when I noticed this guy next to me was also there for quite a while
00:00:52: and he had two phones lying in front of him he was trying to pull up the telegram desktop app I think you know that messaging app on the computer
00:01:02: that he was using next to me and I could notice that he kept trying to enter passwords and they kept getting rejected and he altogether seemed a little antsy and suddenly.
00:01:13: I recognize the behavior.
00:01:16: I looked at his hands and there was a wedding band on his right hand and I realized what was going on.
00:01:24: The guy was trying to check his partner's phone to see if maybe he or she was cheating to try to find out the messages.
00:01:33: And at that moment my heart went out to him I'm assuming all this of course he could have just been looking up for something completely different but
00:01:41: I just something about the behavior looked so familiar to me because I was exactly in the same spot several years ago checking my spouse's phone for signs of infidelity.
00:01:55: We'll get back to that particular topic a little bit later but I started with this story because it again made me think about this topic that I've been.
00:02:06: Mulling over my head for quite a while which is how do we know when we should stay and when we should leave a romantic relationship.
00:02:15: And when I looked at this guy next to me I thought.
00:02:19: Yeah it is hard it's hard to know should we stay or should we go and what are some of the.
00:02:26: If we want to call them that key indicators for staying or leaving our loved one so in this episode.
00:02:35: I won't be giving any advice I hope I don't get caught giving too much advice anyway because I don't feel like I should be but sometimes I do unsolicited so instead of like advice stuff I want to ask all of us a couple of questions,
00:02:50: and I think by looking for answers to these questions maybe there's a way to slowly but steadily maneuver our way towards,
00:02:59: some telling answers.
00:03:02: So first off I thought the most obvious one might be well how often do you ask yourself this question should I stay or should I go.
00:03:12: And maybe the frequency of that thought coming up.
00:03:16: Is a little bit of a sign as to how things are going because if things are going fairly well
00:03:22: and whatever that means we'll get into that more later than you probably won't be asking yourself this question
00:03:29: all too often you know maybe once a year or once in five years or twice a year but you probably wouldn't be asking yourself.
00:03:38: Every week or every day.
00:03:40: And that's just an assumption or a suggestion right because maybe it's good to ask ourselves every week is this still working.
00:03:48: Is this thing still on just to understand that the frequency might be a sign.
00:03:55: Secondly it's nice to look at whether or not this is working overall is the relationship working what do we mean by that.
00:04:05: There are a few things that might be helpful here and that is do we feel like we're still growing together are we still interested.
00:04:14: In each other enough to have ourselves grow together.
00:04:18: Do we talk to each other a lot do we do stuff together and is there may be a genuine interest in the other person's happiness so not just our own,
00:04:28: in this day and age of Mimi and self-love a lot of times things get a little confused is nothing wrong with self-love but there are ways to also
00:04:38: figure out love in terms of service and love to another person I think and that's what I'm trying to get at here is to look at the genuine.
00:04:47: Thoughts and feelings towards this person doesn't mean we have to make them happy all the time or that they have to make us happy but are we interested.
00:04:56: And having each other's happiness as an aspiration in this relationship and I love what I learned about Tom.
00:05:04: Says about this I've quoted him quite often in this podcast and also in my book that I'm now writing by the way and he says listen we're all impossible to live with.
00:05:17: All of us are so some other human actually declares themselves ready to tolerate all the impossible idiosyncrasies and habits and.
00:05:26: Weirdness that we have,
00:05:28: great so if the dissatisfaction is just sort of a mild to moderate now it doesn't buy me flowers or she doesn't message me as much as she used to whatever that is to maybe put it into the context of okay.
00:05:43: And that would probably be the same with another partner in a new relationship.
00:05:48: And just sort of having this what I think very humorous thought about wanting and relationship to be perfect and happy and great all the time and maybe realizing that that is not entirely realistic.
00:06:00: One other question we might want to ask ourselves is do we address issues as they arise.
00:06:08: Does the other person address issues as they arise for him or her or them and when we do if we do what is the reaction to our bringing those up.
00:06:20: So first of all do we bring up the issues or do we settle for things won't change any way or we're tired it's been a long day we don't want any disharmony do those things happen,
00:06:32: but if we do decide to bring issues up what is the reaction how do we react to our partner if they
00:06:40: come up with something that we probably have heard before or that we don't really feel like changing because you know what were this in this age we don't want to and if we bring up
00:06:49: issues with them what is their reaction they annoyed they frustrated is there even aggression because we've heard it so many times when we just can't give a you know what so
00:07:01: trying to gauge our own and the other person's reaction to when we have something that is truly bothering us or may be hurting us even and how does that look.
00:07:12: And I want to come to something that maybe I should have come at from the get-go because these to me are two things that.
00:07:19: At least in my past some of them were clear indicators that it's time to hit the road and one of course first and foremost is physical abuse towards ourselves towards anyone in the family I write a little bit more about it in my book.
00:07:34: But for me that's definitely a signal that an Exit Plan keep everybody safe should definitely be put in place and again in my book I write about the communities the organizations that can help us with that
00:07:47: so I'm not telling anybody leave now because that in itself could be a very unsafe thing to do but to sort of.
00:07:54: Look at it as an indicator that clearly things are going really awry and that maybe it's time to put some concrete steps into action.
00:08:03: The other side of this abuse narrative is of course a verbal abuse and from my own experience I've.
00:08:11: Been verbally abusive upon being verbally abused myself it's was for a long time that it wasn't working and I noticed it's a really tough one to come back from
00:08:21: once the language starts to deteriorate once there's name-calling there's.
00:08:27: Ongoing disrespect in terms of language used towards this person whom we apparently love
00:08:33: it's kind of hard to reverse the course and I've noticed that unless you invite somebody else into the conversation who can sort of rain you both in.
00:08:43: It's almost impossible but when the verbal abuse is happening and both of us are interested in reversing that course this is another.
00:08:53: Example that I did experience then we would stop each other we had a word.
00:08:58: Not a name but we had a word where when the other person had transgressed into verbal abuse we would say that word and it was a funny word.
00:09:07: That I won't repeat because it's a little weird and very much a part of that relationship but it was great because it was a stop sign
00:09:16: and it was something that worked we called each other on our abusive language and were able to stop by using or employing this word.
00:09:25: But there are many many aspects of verbal abuse and so you'll probably have to know when enough is enough for you.
00:09:34: I want to say a word about smartphones.
00:09:37: Seems kind of weird but hear me out here when I was in a very long-term relationship the first couple of years smart phones weren't around yet.
00:09:48: We talk to each other and dinner was never interrupted and overall there was a lot of communication with each other looking each other in the eye.
00:09:56: When the smartphone occurred about.
00:09:59: Two two and a half years into the relationship I can safely say that relationship changed for the worse and for good.
00:10:08: For the rest of that relationship which was another nine years so you're like okay lady why do you say nine years now the smartphone wasn't the only problem but it definitely changed how we interacted with each other,
00:10:21: one of the indicators are questions we can ask ourselves is how much are we both or each of us on our smartphone while we are in the other person's company.
00:10:33: And let's face it we're all on our smartphones way too often I know I'm guilty of it I have now put limits on the smartphone that stop me from using social media or even pulling up the screen
00:10:45: pulling up the phone just so I can get a handle on the unconscious Behavior around the damn thing so when we're in relationships and we each have that problem that were on the smartphone too much.
00:10:57: Maybe it's time to address that and to put it aside.
00:11:00: And I noticed you don't have to tell the other person put your goddamn phone away I tried that didn't go so well I put it away
00:11:07: I just put it away more often so that when you're not doing anything while this other person's constant on that phone at some point that going to notice that
00:11:16: you're not doing anything and just waiting for them to finish and I think in a loving relationship where you're still sort of in sync with each other
00:11:24: for a good part of the time that you spend together the other person will notice and there's a good chance that they will also start to put their phone away.
00:11:33: In many relationships I noticed that there's usually only one person doing the brunt of the relational work.
00:11:41: It's nice when the other party also notices and tries to alter Behavior or negative Tendencies within the relationship,
00:11:49: if you feel you're the one doing most of the relational work than Maybe.
00:11:54: It's a good idea to just ask a question not combat the other person with any sort of resentment or just go numb and not say anything anymore
00:12:03: but to really maybe ask the questions hey is there anything about me any blind spots
00:12:09: that you feel you aren't being seen or where I could love you better
00:12:14: I got this one from this Vietnamese monk I've mentioned him before I think not on where he says to ask about blind spots ask the other person hey where do you need me
00:12:25: to do better by you,
00:12:29: and I thought that was a wonderful thing so it's not just about hey you're not meeting my needs I'm unhappy here why aren't you doing what you used to do but to be open about where it is that maybe we are not necessarily contributing in a way that feels loving.
00:12:44: And caring for the other person.
00:12:47: And I think it's quite interesting what happens when you ask a person that because in that moment all attention is on them and isn't that,
00:12:54: just one of the greatest things about love is to give someone your undivided attention.
00:13:00: I think maybe you've probably already experienced it but if you haven't maybe give it a shot because it's a really wonderful spot to be him.
00:13:09: It's very vulnerable and not so easy but I do believe there's a little bit of magic hidden inside that question.
00:13:17: Where can I love you better and then in that way open up the space to share the relationship work together.
00:13:27: Here comes a bit of a big one as two big ones heading our way infidelity.
00:13:33: I think whether we're the ones who have been unfaithful or the other person this was probably sort of a fork in the road for most relationships that go through this particular
00:13:44: incident I want to say and at this Fork of the road,
00:13:49: we probably ask ourselves should I stay or should I go this might be a good time to mention that that book I'm writing is about breakups how do we manage them
00:13:59: how can we feel our way through without just falling apart.
00:14:03: If falling apart is part of the process which I swear you would probably is then how do we put ourselves back together how do we handle the logistics all that stuff and infidelity is a big chapter in that book so
00:14:14: when we find ourselves in the situation of infidelity our own or the other person's
00:14:20: then maybe in this is such a tough call people I could have many episodes just on that.
00:14:27: Particular topic there is one if you want to go back but to ask ourselves what were the conditions in our existing relationship.
00:14:36: Under which the infidelity happened and do we believe both of us that these conditions can be altered,
00:14:44: a modified in a way that the infidelity does not occur again of course there are no guarantees we don't know.
00:14:52: Really and the other person doesn't know if this is never ever going to happen again with a lifespan of 80 plus years.
00:15:00: And maybe being together for a very long time we just can't be sure which is why we want to work on this all the more to look at the circumstances look at the conditions this relationship the State of the Union I want to say
00:15:14: and to ask ourselves what happened infidelity is rarely a one
00:15:20: person game this is not about victim-blaming this is not about blaming anyone as we know blame is such a such a nun useful energy but to really examine
00:15:31: well what led up to this and is the other person.
00:15:35: Willing to look at it with us or do they want to leave because we've been unfaithful or do we want to leave because we think we dealing with a lifetime Unfaithful person they're just going to keep doing it again and again those are all questions that are good to ask.
00:15:50: But first and foremost opening up the space and seeing as the other person ready to talk about what might have or how many things might have led up,
00:15:59: to this transgression to little logistic things before I get to another big point is financial stability,
00:16:08: and children should I stay or should I go.
00:16:13: Because if I leave my financial stability is all but non-existent then that's a very valid reason to stay it may not necessarily be enough though,
00:16:23: and I say this from a point of being a person of privilege I live in the west the government here in Germany has.
00:16:32: A somewhat still remaining social welfare system so to really really fall off the radar it can happen of course and not to do to any fault of our own maybe but it's not as easy as that say in some other countries around the world
00:16:48: so to even be able to work towards Financial Freedom is not necessarily,
00:16:54: an option for many of us around the globe but if it is if the true answer to can I,
00:17:00: find my own Financial autonomy actually is a yes
00:17:04: then maybe if Financial stability is the only reason we're staying there is indeed a way to move towards autonomy here
00:17:13: maybe plan on finding a job returning to the workforce if we hadn't been in a while and to see if maybe there are options if indeed the financial stability is not something that we feel is a cynic unknown is,
00:17:27: something we can't live without and that's something for each of us to decide the other part I mentioned was children
00:17:33: I speak about this a lot in my book as well there are so many aspects to whether or not I should stay because we have children together how will they react when we leave
00:17:43: is there going to be a custody battle will the children be all right.
00:17:49: That's such a complex issue that I very much recommend.
00:17:54: We think about long and hard we probably do and that certainly can't be handled in a little podcast of 20 minutes or so.
00:18:01: However my experience has been that happy Parents make happy children that doesn't mean happy all day every day but the weather in the relationship.
00:18:14: It can be cloudy at times but the climate should look more like Tuscany than I don't know.
00:18:19: India during monsoon season are something so if children are constantly exposed to India during monsoon vs. the occasional Tiff but otherwise an okay
00:18:29: atmosphere at home then maybe it's time to think about other ways to be parents to our children than cohabitation or marriage or whatever it is that we have in terms of a model,
00:18:42: of living together
and the last one because I guess we cannot not talk about this one what about sex
00:18:51: and I've noticed we can talk about sex forever personally I
00:18:55: can't anymore but certainly during my younger years it was a very much a topic of Fascination for me we still talk about it in terms of what makes a good relationship we talk about Connection in terms of sex the frequency that types of sex were having and.
00:19:12: It feels like a little much sometimes in this certainly a lot of choices going on out there and of course it is an indicator if things are going well
00:19:20: or not you sense it there's a but coming on yes the sex we want it to be good and exciting and with reasonable frequency within the marriage
00:19:31: I want to say that just because you're still sleeping with each other doesn't mean all is well.
00:19:36: And if you're being particularly adventurous all the time I don't know you're swinging off the chandeliers every night and leather and latex that's also not a guarantee that this relationship will last because your,
00:19:47: investing so much in the sex so what I'm trying to say is that it can be a bit of a barometer of course but it's not the only one.
00:19:57: If there's been in frequent sex lately that doesn't mean somebody is cheating.
00:20:02: But if it unsettles us enough to the point where we start thinking about a lot then maybe yes we should address it hey why is this not happening anymore are you tired is there anything I can do or maybe the other person can come up with the idea of asking
00:20:15: why it isn't happening.
00:20:17: I love what Oprah said on one of her shows many years ago this must have been in the 90s where she says you know sex starts with helping me with the laundry so this was very much a gendered and.
00:20:29: Traditional perspective meaning that the guy wanted sex in the woman was too exhausted but what I'm trying to say is of course,
00:20:37: the sex doesn't just start once we're in bed and all our clothes are off it starts with what happens before the communication the support of each other,
00:20:46: so just sort of
00:20:47: understand that yes there is a way to look at sex and see how much of a reflection of our relationship it is but to sort of
00:20:58: back off a little bit from the idea that it is one of the main indicators know it is one of the main indicators but it's not the only one.
00:21:07: All right that's it from me hoping that you're having the kind of relationship and sex and stability that you wish for in your relationship and that maybe if you don't and you're asking yourself,
00:21:20: ski question of should I stay should I go that there are some little questions here that will help guide you.
00:21:28: Through that process of questioning that's all from me this week I hope you're well.
00:21:33: Music.
