00:00:00: Music.

00:00:11: Welcome back to a brand new episode of bitch Brave and I am your host ricardia I was in the kitchen

00:00:18: and I was trying to figure out what kind of sandwich to make for myself so I'm going through the fridge and seeing what's there what kind of ingredients and for some reason I couldn't make up my mind when a young voice in the background suddenly pipes up,

00:00:33: and suggest that maybe I should collect some glass or like broken pieces of glass and put that on my sandwich.

00:00:41: So that was many many years ago and that little voice in the background was my stepson,

00:00:50: I think this was one of the key moments in our lives together when I realized maybe the stepmom stepson relationship isn't going so well.

00:01:00: So

00:01:01: today I'm going to talk about the evil stepmom if you will this is very much going to be Emmanuel in some ways about what not to do

00:01:10: simply because I think I failed on so many levels that.

00:01:16: Maybe we can benefit from the lack of foresight and wisdom that I brought to this very very challenging.

00:01:26: But more and more common role that we as men and women now play.

00:01:32: By now we're so used to that whole idea of Patchwork families and families wheeling and dealing trying to coordinate kids between multiple partners there's the two bedrooms the two holidays and there's all this Logistics.

00:01:46: That goes with the job of being a step something.

00:01:50: And then of course you've got all the emotional stuff which is so complex and so multi-layered that I don't even begin to try to solve that in just one episode,

00:02:01: already I'm thinking the audacity of me doing a podcast episode I'm being a stepmom is pretty huge.

00:02:08: Maybe it's justified in a little way because for one like I said I was a stepmother for 11 years and I've also been a stepdaughter to a stepfather in that case.

00:02:20: And I watched my own mother very closely,

00:02:23: when she was a stepmother in our Patchwork family growing up so I feel like at least if I can't tell you how to do it right I can maybe demonstrate a few things that I saw go wrong and that I wish so much

00:02:37: somebody and in my case in my role as a stepmom could have rectified while it was still going on.

00:02:44: So I wish there were another word for stepmom I'll stepfather I know there's been a bunch of,

00:02:49: attempts none of them seem appealing to me so I'm just going to stick to the word stepmom and I will refer to

00:02:57: the parent that came before me the actual parent of the child of you well as the original Parent just so we can sort of keep them apart.

00:03:04: So navigating the sort of prickly daunting path of stepmom really isn't easy.

00:03:10: And I know for stepfathers that isn't either but that's the one roll I can come up with so you're going to have to pipe up and tell me your experience but to be honest.

00:03:20: What I have noticed is that there are very few working examples I've found I think people are very stressed where I live in.

00:03:29: A part of Berlin with as a lot of children there's also a lot of step-parenting going on and

00:03:35: these people are super overwhelmed it's so hard to navigate the own needs with those of the stepchild a lot of times the step children are only there for the weekend so it's hard to sort of build a lasting

00:03:46: and meaningful relationship and in my own case I often found that as a stepmom I felt a little bit.

00:03:55: While orphaned in some way I was like that saucer,

00:03:59: where you broke the cup and now you don't know what to do with this saucer it's very beautiful and you really loved it

00:04:05: and you wanted around somehow because well it means a lot to you but it really doesn't match anything else in your kitchen and that's how I often felt that

00:04:15: here I was now as a stepmom but I wasn't really sure who am I supposed to be in this constellation now

00:04:21: and I did have my own child in this family as well so there was also the extra challenge of trying to not.

00:04:29: Overcompensate with a stepchild so that.

00:04:32: Your own child's eye what happened here just now like she has a new favorite kid or something at the same time not being overly.

00:04:40: Distant towards the stepchild like I said I didn't manage this awfully well.

00:04:46: But I think I've understood a lot of what went wrong and in conversations with girlfriends who are also stepmoms I've been able to sort of come up with a few,

00:04:56: pointer is at least on what might go wrong and how this might be not fixed but maneuvered in some way I think a lot of it is just awareness awareness that this is very very difficult for you.

00:05:10: As the step parent but also the stepchild that suddenly confronted with two families and to have everything and a little too much of that,

00:05:18: and too little of maybe what actually is needed which is attention and understanding.

00:05:23: One of the things that I think my mom didn't do so well with and that I certainly didn't even begin to try because I had watched my mom do it was that she tried to be sort of a second mom.

00:05:35: She wasn't competing with the lady who came before but she was trying to be as good a mom as she possibly could to this new girl or step-daughter that was now in our family.

00:05:47: But I think for one thing unless you're a gay couple two moms is not the right situation it's not what anybody has requested and by Nature it would be a very very tough spot.

00:06:00: To fill so to just sort of right off the bat not try to be another mom who does everything right who

00:06:09: is so great for this child maybe there's even a slight competition with that original mom going on also something you want to be checking I know that that was a situation for me sometimes and

00:06:22: to understand that yes there is this manifestation of a previous relationship of your partner.

00:06:28: So in this case my steps um so there's always this idea maybe of a little bit of jealousy.

00:06:35: Towards this previous woman this mom and to sort of be aware that that is very natural,

00:06:41: it's totally fine to feel jealous I think anyway you have my Absolution but to understand that you cannot perfect the mom thing because there really is only one mommy and the only thing we can do,

00:06:56: is to be there and to figure out our own role in we'll get to that a little bit later.

00:07:02: So depending on how old the kid is when it first shows up in your life.

00:07:07: It's going to take possibly different amounts of time so for example when my stepson came to me he was still a baby that made it kind of.

00:07:17: Easy for me because I knew diapers and I knew what to do with babies and I had a son myself so.

00:07:24: I sort of just took that kid up and I you know really.

00:07:28: Loved taking care of him I knew I wasn't going to be having any more children of my own so this part I actually really enjoyed,

00:07:34: and even though it took him a moment to be like who's this lady now you know changing my diaper but it was,

00:07:41: really really fine until he was about two and a half and I think then he started to put together very cautiously and smartly the picture that

00:07:52: if his mom was not here

00:07:54: then I was and why was he being served coach when he could have been flying first class kind of feeling so that's when the trouble started to begin but he was still a very young child so you could still sort of take the reins in some way

00:08:07: but let's say you come to a step family situation when this kids already a teenager.

00:08:13: This is going to be a very different Challenge and here I can speak from experience only my kid my stepson who became a teenager later but I have a very good friend.

00:08:23: Who married a guy who had four daughters already apart from the fact that this woman deserves a medal I often thought,

00:08:32: how is she doing that I mean these kids were rebelling against her they were really resenting her and even though they had their own,

00:08:41: trouble with their own mothers who doesn't they still weren't able or willing to.

00:08:47: My friend has a stepmom but she just kept at it like when they had trouble she dug deeper and she figured out how to help and then she did help and.

00:08:57: She really made herself which I thought was amazing an extra advisor and Confidant to these children.

00:09:06: So that when shit was really hitting the fan they called my friend and asked her listen what can we do this and this has happened.

00:09:15: And she would step in very competently.

00:09:19: And help them fix whatever had been broken or mend whatever had taken a hit and so maybe the idea is not to become a second mom maybe.

00:09:32: The pursuit of becoming a confidant could be a worthwhile cause to really be someone these kids can confide in now.

00:09:40: Keep in mind yo.

00:09:42: Obviously going to want to read their signals like you're not just going to swoop in and be like alright let's fix this and maybe they're even confide in you for the first couple years that you know each other I know that my friend.

00:09:54: Really needed time for them to open up.

00:09:57: And she needed to step over her own shadow over and over because sometimes she would just feel downright resentful like how am I taking care of all this like why isn't the father doing more maybe.

00:10:08: That was one of her thought so why isn't the original family stepping and whatever thought she might have had however they might have been Justified or not but it took her a moment but I did see her.

00:10:19: Go through this look at the signals these kids were sending her and then step in when the system was all go becoming a confident.

00:10:29: It's such a wonderful role isn't it

00:10:31: and then that way you don't have to be mom because let's face it not all of moms Duties are particularly interesting but to be a confidant I think is is really great,

00:10:40: and as a side note I think a lot of how she managed to do this was that she kept Gathering people around the table and cooking up

00:10:48: incredible food I think that's a sort of little secret weapon she has one that I did not have and that I think could be really useful it's just keep.

00:10:57: Cooking if you will keep bringing people to the table or order it if you need to if you can and just have people eat together I've often seen her.

00:11:07: Create Bonds in that way another thing that I actually did manage to do was that I let.

00:11:15: My partner be alone with his child even when he was here for the weekends I often only had him for weekends and vacations and to let them spend time together so that the child doesn't feel it's in competition

00:11:28: with you as the stepparent that they can really have this intimate relationship that they might have been used to before you stepped into the picture.

00:11:37: And to really maybe not go with the partner when he goes to pick up or she goes to pick up the child,

00:11:45: to let them go to the hockey game together or the soccer game whatever it is and maybe not necessarily join unless says again a signal that,

00:11:54: they want you to be around and to not be distant in that way but to really understand that there are bonding moments that only happen when two people are together and we're three could possibly be a crowd.

00:12:07: On that note of maybe being a little bit on the outside of this existing relationship what I did not manage to do and what would have been so helpful if I had just been able to pull my head out of my ass for once.

00:12:21: Was to not take anything personal.

00:12:25: None of the attacks that might be coming your way from the stepchild because of reasons X Y and Z we all know that

00:12:32: constellation is charged with reasons to resent each other if one wants to go down that road but that is to take absolutely nothing personal,

00:12:42: nothing is personal anyway if you've read The Four Agreements but to really understand that there are going to be quite a few situations in this Patchwork of arrangements.

00:12:52: That aren't going to be fair sometimes and maybe more importantly that are not winnable.

00:13:00: I think I try to win the situations off of him,

00:13:04: I tried to point out that this kid had no manners clearly something with raising this kid was going wrong I didn't actually say it in so many words but I don't think I needed to spell it out for anybody to realize that I did not agree with how this kid was being raised versus how mine are being raised

00:13:19: now super self-righteous about that because this was my house now this stepson was under my roof he was supposed to act.

00:13:28: According to my rules that's not fair and it's not helpful so even if we're being attacked if they're saying something like you should probably be eaten a glass sandwich.

00:13:39: I understand that maybe we have contributed to this

00:13:43: situation not working so well in my case for sure I had contributed to this little person resenting me because I resented him just as much as soon as he started to.

00:13:56: Not like me so much like when he was growing older babes are fine but after that good luck when we don't take things personal,

00:14:05: when we know that this kid is probably very hurt about how the situation is or at least a little resentful or maybe they're just teenagers and they need someone to act out against and they don't want to act out against this.

00:14:18: Original Parent whom they don't see so often,

00:14:21: so if he doesn't want to in my case rebel against dad because Daddy's precious he doesn't see him so often then let him rebel against me it's not personal I'm just a sounding board and if I had realized that,

00:14:34: sooner I could have been a lot less resentful and borderline aggressive towards this person.

00:14:42: Even though we often feel alone in this role of stepmom stepdad it can be very isolating because again the saucer without its cup.

00:14:52: It's important that we don't think we have to do this alone there is an original Parent here.

00:14:58: And it is important to be a team now not a team against this child but to be sure that we.

00:15:06: Rope them in that if we're having trouble we don't try to solve this all by ourselves but maybe consult with them they know this child better than we do what is their advice for how we can handle this.

00:15:17: Now this is a huge chunk of Humble Pie because you're already mad at this kid maybe there's been some sort of Confrontation.

00:15:24: And now you're asking the original Parent what should I do as if you had been at fault that's not it this is about finding.

00:15:33: A manageable way to communicate with this child that isn't your own it didn't come from your nest and to.

00:15:40: Find a competent and informed way to deal with them that doesn't make it too emotional and too angry for both of you

00:15:49: so really roping in that original Parent and what I've noticed in my own case and when I was a stepchild is that the original Parent sometimes like cipolla out completely and just let you deal that.

00:16:01: In my opinion you might think of this differently that is not a good strategy this is their child primarily there,

00:16:10: the expert on this child and so we need to seek their expert advice as opposed to are somehow managing this Tempest and them just sitting at the shore and waiting for it all to be over.

00:16:23: So really roping them in and making them have a say in what is happening or what might be even going wrong.

00:16:32: When we do seek out a relationship with our stepchildren then.

00:16:38: It's important we don't try to impress them too much I think that's another pressure we sometimes have is that we want to be popular come on who doesn't want to be loved I wanted to be loved by my stepson I wanted to be the cool stepmother.

00:16:53: Which only very occasionally was successful.

00:16:57: So instead of like bringing them to Disneyland or like doing all these really really big events wait for their signal like we said before and start with a small stuff.

00:17:07: What about just going to a bookstore have them pick out a book you know something that doesn't put too much meaning

00:17:14: and responsibility on the two of you that this has to now work especially in the early days and by early days I mean early years it really takes time

00:17:25: to build this relationship it might go quicker for you if you live with this child but I did live with my stepfather.

00:17:34: And I have to say beyond the early days when he was still trying to be a good stepfather there was not a whole lot more effort coming after and so it kind of just dissolved and he became a nonentity and we don't want to mean nothing so

00:17:47: maybe to just start with small little things that we can do to bond with this new little or older family member that we now have.

00:17:56: The idea that we have now become a stepparent could often let us think that we're sort of,

00:18:03: a little less important than this previous partner maybe or at least we're a little less important in this constellation when we're all together and there's also this idea.

00:18:13: Of a guilty Original Parent so sometimes I felt my partner felt very guilty about having left his first wife

00:18:23: and now being with me and so when the child was there I always felt less important but even more I felt a little disrespected

00:18:31: sometimes and I don't think I was entirely Wrong by that because

00:18:35: it's very important that yes we're open the original Parent but they also have to be asked to not keep siding with the child out of guilt.

00:18:45: If I'm not being fair towards this child no doubt you swoop in and you defend your own child against this step parent who's being 10 types of mean but if you're always siding with the child out of guilt.

00:18:58: You got to look at that because now you're being disloyal to your partner who's trying to be a good step parent.

00:19:06: And to understand that yes you should defend your child I mean I'm a mother myself of course I will defend my child

00:19:12: under any circumstance but to also understand that the step,

00:19:17: parenting step mom or dad that you've now married or that you're now with isn't an awfully tough position and if you then disrespect them and I do think this is disrespect

00:19:28: by constantly siding with your child because you feel guilty about leaving are you feel guilty about not seeing them enough then

00:19:35: you are deserting your partner and to really.

00:19:40: Aim for fairness which isn't easy to do and I don't even know where to find that on the Spectrum sometimes but to aim for fairness.

00:19:49: As much as you can that might mean that you mediate between the two that might just mean that you take them aside each and be like hey something's going on here.

00:19:59: How can I help but to constantly seek out fairness in this very very.

00:20:05: I want to say treacherous Dynamic and lastly I think this is very important and it's something I definitely overlooked sometimes.

00:20:13: This whole situation is not easy for the original Parent either.

00:20:18: They're trying to mediate like we mentioned before that trying to be understanding of each side maybe then there's the guilt.

00:20:26: Then maybe they don't see them a lot so they're really have this longing to just have a good time with this child while it's here so it's very very hard for the stepparent but it's not easy for the original Parent either.

00:20:39: And to stay in constant communication about what our challenges are how they're manifesting when the child is around and how we can find ways to be fair,

00:20:50: and loyal to each other for me that often was to take breaks to put some distance between them and to just let them have their.

00:20:58: You know dad and son time as opposed to trying to be engaged everywhere trying to be interested in everything the stepchild of steam that's just not authentic either

00:21:08: so when we notice that we're totally overwhelmed by the presence of this person who is

00:21:13: himself or herself also trying to come to terms with the situation to just step out.

00:21:19: Take a walk meet your girlfriend's read a book in a cafe and know that this is very very challenging and it will take a lot of adjusting and then readjusting.

00:21:30: Fine tuning now they're in a different phase maybe only see them for a week sometimes they change so much you like wait what happened to the cute kid that was here four weeks ago or why are they so this that and the other,

00:21:41: it's a tough job moms and dads is a tough job but being step moms and dads know that you deserve a medal,

00:21:49: and I'm sure there's a lot of literature out there that talks about this I'm pretty sure I should've read some of it why not was that it.

00:21:58: There you go maybe we can all just benefit from all my mistakes that I made and find a way forward to really not become a second family because I feel like that is such a tall order but to maybe

00:22:12: like my friend did become another confident in this situation whatever Patchwork he situation you're in I would

00:22:22: tear from you I think I could do it possibly another one or two episodes on this because there's so much to say and there's so much compassion that

00:22:31: need to be brought to the table and that often doesn't find its space,

00:22:36: so if you'd like to write to me I'd be happy to read it's bitch breathe at gmail.com the eye and bitch is a number one we also have a Facebook group by the same name if you'd like to join the conversation there and as always if you liked what you heard please do feel free to rate and comment

00:22:55: the podcast since that helps me a lot in terms of visibility I hope you're well I hope you enjoyed this episode and until next.

00:23:04: Music.