00:00:00: Music.
00:00:11: Come back to a new episode of bitch breathe and I am your host ricardia.
00:00:16: I'm a feeling a little bit charged today I'm going to be honest I was going through my Instagram feed today and for some reason I noticed a few posts around a certain subject.
00:00:30: And these were heartwarming post these were posts meant to inspire surely.
00:00:36: I didn't have quite that reaction to them so basically the content of these.
00:00:42: Little shared messages was a mother who had given up everything for her children who had.
00:00:51: Cut back and work so she could support them with a sports or even with a sickness in some cases it was always this idea of my mom sacrificed everything.
00:01:02: First you're inspired of course because you're like wow look what all the the stuff she did look how strong this woman is look how she's done everything.
00:01:13: For her children and I thought at some point in these videos the father would show up in the picture but
00:01:20: the father's didn't and we'll get to that whole thing later but I just thought it was interesting that these were inspiring or meant to inspire posts with moms who had given up everything for their children
00:01:33: my mom is my own personal hero if you've listened to any of my previous episodes you know she's played a very huge role in my life in the shaping of who I am today and I'm very grateful.
00:01:47: And my mom also gave up a lot by the time she had paid for my boarding school where I had this huge scholarship and some of the things she had about 300 bucks to live every month and.
00:02:00: I've never not been grateful for Mom for doing that and I've never not thought about that in my engagement,
00:02:09: with her so I totally get the idea of mom being our personal Heroes and I don't want to change anything about that.
00:02:18: And on that note.
00:02:20: If as mother's we freely decide to dedicate our whole lives to our children because that is our life that is our dream and that's the entire extent of our aspirations,
00:02:32: why not that is equally as valid as is any other mother or non mother of non mother of children lifestyle.
00:02:41: So this is not about women who truly believe in making it their life's work to be there for their children I'm totally with you,
00:02:50: as a good feminist anybody should be able to decide any lifestyle as a woman so that's not what I'm going to look at today.
00:03:00: What I do want to pay attention to is this whole idea of self-sacrificing mothers.
00:03:07: And I'm absolutely for mother's being supportive of I don't even want to have to like.
00:03:12: Make a big deal out of that I feel like I'm hard-wired to support my child right and I want us to be that and I want us to be funny and the emotionally safe place for our children I'm just asking that we stop.
00:03:26: Thinking of these things as self-sacrificing or as pursuing this Behavior to a point of self-sacrifice.
00:03:36: And I'll tell you why I think the whole word in itself but the concept is specially of sacrifice it just reeks.
00:03:45: Religion and patriarchy to me it begins with Maria in Christian religion but I'm sure there are other religious tendencies that also have this sort of self-sacrificing,
00:03:57: completely selfless female in their Traditions but the thing about that is what really bugs me is
00:04:06: what about the male's what there's no self sacrifice their okay maybe they fought a battle or you know in some Bible stories surely there's men who give up something for their children but that whole idea
00:04:19: has never been perpetuated as much as
00:04:23: Maria and how she had this child even though it was out of wedlock and like all that other stuff
00:04:30: it reeks of religion and if we want to say that we want to be in sort of a post religious era or maybe in a more
00:04:36: spiritual practice as opposed to religious one then I don't think we can put this self-sacrifice thing from mothers
00:04:45: in there because what it does is it supports patriarchy
00:04:49: if it's only the mother or the female energy that has the ability and the willingness to self sacrifice
00:04:58: then that seems to me like guys are off the hook and I don't even want guys to self-sacrifice because I find the whole idea a little morbid and warlike in some ways.
00:05:11: And let's face it what self-respecting Dad wouldn't want to support his children of course they want to support them but do we expect them to sacrifice everything for their children do we expect.
00:05:25: A male CEO to step down.
00:05:28: So that his children will feel like he's paying more attention to them like he's attending their soccer games or whatever it is I've not heard it if you have please totally right to me.
00:05:40: I'm going to write the guy thank you no no but seriously we always talk about women as the self-sacrificing entity of a parenting.
00:05:49: Or indeed work-related relationship
00:05:52: but I don't hear a whole lot of men self-sacrificing in fact I don't know that I've ever heard those two words in one sentence
00:06:00: the man and the self-sacrifice this isn't anti guys because I think
00:06:05: as men you also don't want your wife or the mother of your children to sacrifice everything for them if you have any kind of respect
00:06:14: and Love and You Feel care giving responsibilities for your children
00:06:18: who the hell wants to offer up their wives on the altar you know like here you go you self sacrifice everything and then we're done here.
00:06:27: Doesn't make sense for men either so it's not about like anti men or you know they have all the fun
00:06:34: they do have a lot of fun but it's about really stepping up the game and asking everybody to bring their most dedicated self to Parenthood and not just the women and the problem with.
00:06:47: Perpetuating this sacrifice this sacrificial mentality.
00:06:52: Is that we let female energy go dormant what am I mean by that female energy is of course also caregiving but that is such a reduction of what we are able to do and what we came here,
00:07:06: to do female energy means that you step into community.
00:07:11: That you somehow and I'm still working on this tap into your healing powers because that's something that we know we have you step into empathy you.
00:07:21: The game in terms of spirituality if spirituality is your game but there's so much more to female energy than just the caregiving that if we
00:07:32: reduce everything that is female or worthy about female energy to just caregiving we're not even close
00:07:40: to our potential and we're not even close to be able to contribute to society what we came here to do which was to build community healing great companies that have
00:07:51: Leaders with empathy whatever that means to you you know what I mean for you when I say female energy.
00:07:58: We don't want it to go dormant and what's the result.
00:08:02: Of women doing this whole sacrifice thing this look about this in a little bit more of a pragmatic context if you will so the women who
00:08:12: decides that she wants to be there for the children all the time that's totally fine but if a woman does this because she feels it's necessary or maybe her partner
00:08:23: male or female is gone a lot so somebody's got to be around for the kids right somebody's got to check the homework somebody's got to be
00:08:31: the safe haven for these children and so she decides she will step back in her career or she will go part-time so that she can be around
00:08:41: this is a trap to me because what does that mean later on these kids are going to move out one day.
00:08:48: And then you will have worked part-time again if you want to totally fine I'm not saying you have to Define Yourself by a career
00:08:56: but the problem is this is something a lot of abundance coaches are talking about in Berlin right now is that you step into this trap while you hope will have worked part-time your whole life you don't have a whole lot of money may be available if you're in a wealthy marriage or partnership
00:09:10: totally different story but if you're like most of us you got to make sure you're going to be all right when you're older for one thing and part-time.
00:09:19: You're not going to make a whole lot of money and you certainly won't be able to pay into any sort of pension fund I mean at least I know I can't
00:09:27: I have to get organized some other way and the other thing is what if this partnership becomes dissolved if you were married maybe you get divorced maybe you even get a shitty deal after this divorce
00:09:40: and then what.
00:09:41: Then you will have placed yourself at the mercy of this construct of self sacrificial motherhood.
00:09:51: And that to me seems like a really dangerous game for our health for our financial future and on a very very personal level
00:10:00: when it comes to our purpose in life our hopes and dreams again if there were hopes and dreams that weren't may be necessarily connected to just raising and I'm not saying that just raising children is on the not but if I hopes and dreams are not surrounded by just that
00:10:15: the family then they too will be on that altar where you are getting sacrificed.
00:10:21: Sorry the language sounds a little strong and like I said I feel a bit charged about it because
00:10:28: there still seems to be this whole badly veiled concept
00:10:33: of patriarchy and perpetuating the woman as the weaker sex and if you've listened to any of my previous episodes on topics like this I always get a little charge so please forgive me
00:10:44: and the other thing I want to say they'll let's look at this from the point of view
00:10:48: of the children if we pursue this self-sacrifice thing we give up everything we give up careers hobbies are ballet classes whatever it is and we have now placed ourselves successfully on this altar
00:11:01: we may very well be a legend in the hearts of others in our children's for example and there's nothing wrong with that but can we be sure that when we did that.
00:11:11: We did so with a fulfilled heart of our own is it enough for me,
00:11:16: that I'm a legend in my child's mind but never quite made it in terms of my own dreams my own authenticity my goal or my subconscious longing in this life I know for me personally I couldn't live with that
00:11:31: I don't want to be interrupted and what it is I'm trying to do as a human in this Human Experience.
00:11:37: So to really understand that being a legend in the heart of others is wonderful.
00:11:43: But an unfulfilled heart of our own is quite the Legacy.
00:11:48: To leave this earth with I think and coming from a constellation where I was the only child of a single mother I have to tell you yes I'm grateful to my mom for everything she's done but there's a burden connected to this.
00:12:03: There's this burden of knowing exactly what I just said Mom sacrificed everything for me.
00:12:11: So that I could have a better life so that I would have it better
00:12:15: then she did but you see I don't think we learn so much by this kind of self-sacrifice I think we learn by our mother's role modeling for us what a healthy
00:12:27: fulfilled and Powerful life looks like and to me self-sacrifice.
00:12:33: It can be powerful and there is context always especially when it comes to being on the right side of history may be that we will be called to self-sacrifice this I feel as much as I can I get.
00:12:46: I don't get it in the I'm going to call it more normalized context of regular motherhood or Parenthood so to just understand that if we give up everything for our children our children may well be grateful if we're lucky.
00:13:01: But they'll also understand the huge burden that that is.
00:13:05: And it's a heavy one to bear I speak from experience there is the Gratitude and there is the guilt.
00:13:12: There's this guilt that Mom didn't quite fulfill her purpose that she didn't get to be that fully three-dimensional fleshed-out creative Goddess that she probably came here to be.
00:13:24: That's a tough one to carry and do we really want to put that on our children and instead what I think would be wonderful to see.
00:13:33: Is if we teach our boy children that women are not just their equal.
00:13:39: Well as moms were a little above you boys no just kidding but that we're not just their equals we are powerful human beings.
00:13:49: Who are very very capable.
00:13:51: Or at least aspiring to be capable to live full lives of our own separate from being their mommy.
00:13:59: And that we teach our girls that they too can be dedicated they can be committed they can be kind and they should be all these things.
00:14:09: But for the love of God let's separate dedication from self-sacrifice.
00:14:15: Because I really truly believe that there has been enough female sacrifice if we go back in history so much.
00:14:23: And we have held these women high in high regard hopefully and we stand on the shoulders of these women who have sacrificed but again that's not the same thing for me I think if you want to be on the right side of history history will call us
00:14:38: to maybe sacrifice aspects of ourselves sometimes and I can only hope that if.
00:14:43: Hopefully I'm never asked to do this but if I am that I will find the courage to recognize that and to then maybe go forth and do that.
00:14:52: But by the way I also expect the guy to do it do not just me,
00:14:55: so to really look at how we raise our children for the boys to not just let them get away with their Charming little Antics but let them,
00:15:05: do part of their shares in the chores at home.
00:15:08: And for the girls to know that you too can be a mother but also be your own person with your own life your own choices and your own.
00:15:18: Authenticity and if we're looking for role models.
00:15:23: In the spiritual scene maybe could also be living Role Models could be politicians could be celebrities whatever but that we look for women.
00:15:33: Whoo yes were very dedicated who effectively LED their companies who led their countries families communities whatever but who did so from a place of power.
00:15:45: Not sacrifice but Power.
00:15:48: Because they wanted to speak up because they felt the call because they needed to do so in this life.
00:15:55: Not because it's what they should be doing because they're women and we're somehow genetically hardwired to lay ourselves on top of an altar so that we can then be
00:16:05: sacrificed and if we want to look at this in terms of spirituality there are plenty of goddesses that aren't these dos I'll passive females
00:16:14: I mean I have nothing against Maria and that whole story I find the Bible highly entertaining and places I'm sorry if I don't speak from The Cove on or anything else it's just the Bible is more familiar to me no problem with that I think there's a wonderful quality about females being on the receptive side who can
00:16:33: maybe mediate conflict with this sort of softness and empathy and Far Side.
00:16:40: But that's not the same as self-sacrifice and being completely docile I'm not a deer.
00:16:45: I mean I have big brown eyes but I'm not a deer and I'm not caught in the headlights so if we want to look at some of the goddesses.
00:16:53: Who can truly sort of embody or show us what female power can look like.
00:16:59: Then there's this one goddess in particular there's not a whole lot known about her but I came across our in this wonderful book women who run with the wolves and her name is bow bow.
00:17:09: And Bob was super cheeky and there's this legend that there was this.
00:17:14: Boy I hope I can put it together it's a Greek legend and I think it's there's a woman goddess looking for her child and this child has been abducted
00:17:24: by Hades by the by the underworld
00:17:26: and this mother for the life of me I can't think of her name is it Persephone I am not sure but she's looking for her daughter and she's completely desperate she's crying crying crying and then bow bow steps in apparently according to Legend and bow-bow just lift her skirt
00:17:41: there's nothing underneath that skirt and this mother goddess just starts laughing she's desperate she's looking for her girl she finds her later
00:17:49: but in that moment that raw sort of Sexual Energy even or just doing something completely unexpected that was cheeky that was funny and that's why I love bow bow because she's very sort of
00:18:01: frivolous even but certainly strong and funny goddess and there's another one that I really love.
00:18:08: I think I've brought her up in one of my episodes before it's Carly.
00:18:12: And Kylie is depicted usually with a blue body and her tongue sticking out and she looks really Fierce just got all these little heads these shrink heads around her belt but Carly is there for Destruction and renewal and.
00:18:26: This I love to is that,
00:18:28: she has all this power but she's not sacrificing herself we can sacrifice aspects maybe but not the entire life the entire biography at the service of someone else.
00:18:42: So from my heart to yours I hope you find that collie that Volvo energy in your heart and the next time
00:18:49: you decide that you're going to give this up oh it wasn't that important anyway who needs more yoga classes or maybe that was a little too self-indulgent and after all the kids have a
00:19:00: have a game this weekend think about it for a moment.
00:19:04: And if you really absolutely must sacrifice your time your energy in that moment absolutely do so we are parents.
00:19:12: We got shit to do but maybe also stay creative about finding ways where you are overextending yourself.
00:19:20: And we're maybe your partner could take over or maybe the kids are just damn old enough to do it themselves.
00:19:27: I hope you're well I hope this finds you in good.
00:19:30: Music.
