00:00:00: Music.
00:00:10: To a new episode of bitch breathe I am your host ricardia today I'm going to talk about a subject that
00:00:18: I don't awfully enjoy it which is a little bit of pain so I'm not particularly fond of pain especially because as women I think we can take a whole lot of it and I don't just mean childbirth but I do mean that also and
00:00:33: I think that we have the idea sometimes that as women we.
00:00:40: I supposed to we are expected to handle a certain kind of pain so speaking of childbirth
00:00:46: let me be very honest I was the first one to call for an epidural when those first couple of contractions came in actually let me correct that my then husband was the first to call for an epidural because apparently he was in a lot of pain too so I'm not fond of.
00:01:02: This whole school of thought of austerity I guess I was raised.
00:01:06: You've heard me say this in many other episodes before I was raised in a Christian household so the whole idea of austerity whether it's religious austerity emotional economic austerity is huge
00:01:20: in religion I'm going to go ahead and say in many
00:01:23: religious Traditions so at 12 I decided I wasn't going to have any more of this really bad God who really is very
00:01:32: penalizing for a lot of things and very austere so it's something that I have actually made a point to shy away from for many many years in my life because I don't
00:01:44: believe in it and I don't think that that is what our true nature is or even our purpose in this life that said I think.
00:01:53: In the age of social media we've sort of moved a little bit more into the Other Extreme which is instant gratification in this case I am a huge fan
00:02:05: I think it's great that when I order a coffee the perfect coffee that it happens Within.
00:02:10: Very little amount of time I am also a huge fan of.
00:02:15: Answering my own questions really quickly I'm a very curious person I love to learn so of course social media internet is great for people like me and
00:02:25: on top of everything else I'm huge on impatience I'm not the most patient person in fact I can get.
00:02:32: Little bit unkind sometimes when things don't happen quickly enough so having said all these things.
00:02:39: I will talk about staying with the discomfort those of you who are.
00:02:45: Practitioners of yoga or other again spiritual and or slower kinds of a body practice there is a lot of talk around staying with the discomfort
00:02:56: and for a long time when yoga teacher
00:03:00: said this in a class not only did I not quite get what that meant I also thought that it seemed very counterintuitive because I didn't want to feel pain anymore I think any of us who have reached a certain age
00:03:13: maybe we don't even need to reach a certain age will have experienced quite a bit of discomfort in our childhoods adolescence relationships jobs the neighborhood Deli whatever it is right so
00:03:26: as a species we spend a lot of time intuitively or instinctively may be shying away from discomfort
00:03:35: we don't like it all that much and that originally is a good Instinct if I have a bad.
00:03:41: Feeling of discomfort because I'm sitting on a cactus you know way back in the cave age that's a good thing because I should get up and find a more comfortable place
00:03:49: to sit because I'm hurting myself so I'm making that distinction very clearly I'm not talking about staying with pain.
00:03:58: Because I think that's a very different concept and
00:04:00: there might be some benefits to it but that's not what I'm looking for today I want to talk about staying with discomfort which I think is something like a stage before pain comes but it could contain
00:04:13: a certain amount of pain and I'll get back to that later staying with the discomfort in yoga means let's say I'm taking a position
00:04:21: for me it was always pigeon pose any of you who practice yoga know what this is this is a hip opener.
00:04:27: It's hugely uncomfortable for me because I cannot open my hips I just can't do it it's just very very uncomfortable for me.
00:04:37: And so what you do in yoga is you put all sorts of little props and little
00:04:42: things in place so that you can come into the Asana as the pose is also called in a way that challenges you a little bit but that doesn't mean Direct
00:04:53: especially stabbing electric kind of pain but you stay with the discomfort and you weight especially in yoga and if you guys interested in that that one's a super super great practice for doing this so you stay there
00:05:07: you notice
00:05:08: this is a little bit uncomfortable but you remain in place for a moment longer than you think you can again I'm not talking physical pain.
00:05:18: I'm talking that hurdle in our minds that says I want to get out of here and that is the concept in yoga and that's what I would love to sort of translate for us into our life today and why am I interested in discomfort
00:05:31: especially at this time when I think there's nobody at least I'm not meeting anybody who's hugely comfortable with anything that is going on during this pandemic I'll get back to that as well but why I've noticed it lately
00:05:43: is of course a very.
00:05:45: Personal experience and that is I had always dated certain kind of men Sometimes women
00:05:53: but usually men and I wanted to break that pattern open I had had enough pain actually in this particular context and I wanted no more of it no more
00:06:05: please no more pain especially the self-inflicted kind where I'm open-eyed walking into a catastrophe but I do it anyway
00:06:13: because the guy has a nice guitar and so what I've noticed now in this new relationship.
00:06:19: There are often stages that are unfamiliar to me there are often behaviors that feel hugely uncomfortable and let me give you an example.
00:06:29: A while back this was at the beginning I noticed that this new bow doesn't bombard me with attention.
00:06:36: Time messages presents offers promises whatever it is that happens in that beautiful honeymoon phase at the beginning if indeed we want to call it beautiful but that's a different episode none of this was forthcoming.
00:06:51: In fact the messages were very economical in words presents not really maybe the occasional.
00:07:00: Little postcard or something that he would have for me or a little note or something but it was very sparse compared to what I was used to
00:07:07: right and if you want to go back to some of my old episodes you'll know what I mean because I'm fairly experienced with narcissistic relationships so
00:07:17: for me to stay in this one now where there's not a lot of energy going my way.
00:07:24: Was hugely uncomfortable and painful and I kept wanting to get out of this really quickly
00:07:31: but I also really even more wanted to change up how I had operated thus far so luckily I had a really good friend she's one of my best friends and I said to her.
00:07:43: Dude I think I'm going to leave I'm going to have to get out of this relationship that there's no energy coming my way I don't understand why
00:07:50: I think he likes me because he does right and every night he sends me a little goodnight message and he's very consistent in staying in touch but he doesn't you know seek me out an awful lot now I know what to do with this.
00:08:02: You know I'm used to guys just like you know basically putting the Earth at my feet and saying this is yours babe sort of getting that whole spoiled feeling
00:08:12: at the beginning and she says to me what are you doing why do you have to have all these external manifestations of a parent love when clearly the guys being consistent.
00:08:25: He is thinking of ways how you guys can spend time together he is respectful when you do have a bit of a tiff he's doing all the things that everybody's saying is a healthy relationship why are you fighting this so much.
00:08:39: Her strictness and insistence on my staying put was exactly what I needed to hear in this particular context.
00:08:47: I wasn't in so much pain a little bit it was more this is very uncomfortable this doesn't feel familiar.
00:08:54: This isn't the kind of familiar suffering that I know and her advice stuck and I kept monitoring myself around this person
00:09:03: and us when we are together and I noticed she was right there was a lot of I want to call it a very quiet love.
00:09:11: I started to realize this is not comfortable but it seems healthy it seems loving in some way
00:09:20: and I couldn't put my finger on it and let's face it sometimes I still can't but I started to realize that if I just stay with this discomfort right here
00:09:28: I think there's a learning and there has been I have been right she has been right essentially is that this is a very reliable person much more reserved in the emotional Department than I'm used to but much
00:09:41: more consistent and not as narcissistic as what I'm used to.
00:09:47: And so that's what I want to talk about today this whole idea of staying put even though it's a little weird or crazy or just yeah a little bit painful.
00:09:57: Another reason why I think discomfort is a stage and keep in mind it is temporary why I think discomfort is a good thing.
00:10:07: Because if we don't show willingness in our lives to be uncomfortable we settle too easily.
00:10:14: We don't bring up the kinds of conversations that need to happen in our job in our relationships and we settle.
00:10:21: For live phases and situations.
00:10:25: That are now not just uncomfortable maybe but they're downright wrong for us they're not serving us so sometimes when we say.
00:10:34: I don't want to bring up this
00:10:36: topic or I don't want to say anything at this time because this and this is going on we're actually sort of weighing one uncomfortable feeling against another right like we don't want to bring the subject up so we'd rather stay in this discomfort of
00:10:52: the other person not knowing that we're.
00:10:54: Suffering or that we are not happy with something that is going on and we weigh that against the other discomfort which is in our perception opening a can of worms and now may be going for full force conflict
00:11:07: or a place that we don't know and that we dread which could be separation the.
00:11:14: Insight that we need a new job maybe we've been staring our children wrong in some way and now we have to switch to that other direction hugely uncomfortable right but we know it's the right thing to do so staying in a place of discomfort often means that we have to
00:11:31: way what we know against what we don't this goes especially in a situation when it comes to having to speak up.
00:11:40: Now there are situations where we find this terribly easy but there could be others where we don't and I live in a country obviously Germany Berlin where speaking up historically.
00:11:53: Was really really dangerous and there's some incredible historical figures who did so anyway during the
00:12:00: second world war or even before in the road leading up.
00:12:03: To that here there's one particular woman that I've always admired since I was a child growing up here her name is Sophie Scholl and she had this.
00:12:12: Band of or group of people that would disseminate Flyers that spoke up against.
00:12:18: The Third Reich and against out of Hitler and from what I understand.
00:12:25: She could have easily just not done that she could have just marched with everybody else she was a very young woman and she didn't she spoke up that was
00:12:35: such that must have been such huge discomfort that I clearly don't know if I had had that kind of courage to do so.
00:12:44: But that's exactly it staying with the discomfort of not knowing what's going to happen next is a hugely courageous act and so if we feel disconcerted or.
00:12:56: Worried about being in a place of discomfort maybe it can help us to know that we by doing so could sometimes doesn't have to be this kind of level but we
00:13:07: we'll be on the right side of History doesn't have to be this Global level it can be in our own personal history in somebody else's history but speaking up.
00:13:16: Going there in to that point of discomfort could very well make us a bit of a hero and certainly the person.
00:13:24: Who took it upon themselves to show courage.
00:13:28: Which is awfully hard to do these days with all the polarizing opinions and and heat that we get when people don't agree with us and the possibilities they have of showing us that online.
00:13:40: Another result of being in this situation is
00:13:44: it's going to hopefully lead to a healthier life what am I mean by that because sometimes being in an area of discomfort can be very stressful so that's not what I mean in this particular case I mean that it's sometimes uncomfortable to change habits so.
00:13:59: Starting to eat healthier going to bed earlier
00:14:03: maybe not Netflix binging quite as much these are all things that are terribly hard to do sometimes but in that moment in that window of discomfort when we've managed to overcome a habit even if it was just for one night people
00:14:17: is an incredible feat and so to keep seeking out these areas starting small let's say with that Netflix series and seeking out the.
00:14:26: Discomfort and hanging out there for a while well this is boring who I really could be watching a nice show right now actually I really do want that chocolate
00:14:35: please go ahead especially women menstruating people
00:14:38: if it's that time of the month for you you have my absolute blessing to go ahead and binge but generally speaking if we are not willing to be in an area
00:14:48: of discomfort then it will be very difficult for us to break habits.
00:14:53: One area for me that is really hard to be uncomfortable in and to not fight and and throw back something right away is when I'm being criticized
00:15:02: and I have the great Fortune
00:15:05: hard disk Fortune a lack of Fortune I think that's what it is to have very direct friends sometimes and that includes the bow actually so they're not so afraid of criticizing me
00:15:16: they do it in loving ways and sometimes a rather direct approach is also there so for me to not immediately jump to my own defense explain why I did what I did or just.
00:15:28: Counteract with some insult is very difficult
00:15:32: but I'm trying to teach myself right now I'm not hugely successful at this time to people but I'm trying to teach myself to not
00:15:39: react right away to not jump to my own defense and to sit in that stew of oh I feel uncomfortable I feel a little bit of Shame here I feel I've been
00:15:49: been reduced to something that is small and not really cool let alone prestigious
00:15:56: or a sexy whatever it is done to sort of sit there and ask myself is this true what this person is saying and it very often is.
00:16:06: So when we're being criticized maybe to hold on even if it's just for a couple of seconds to that area of well this is uncomfortable
00:16:16: how am I feeling right now what's my breathing like where's this shame or uncomfortable feeling manifesting in my body and can I find a way
00:16:26: to stay here just for a moment.
00:16:28: I'm not saying not to defend yourself especially if the criticism was not justified but to give yourself the opportunity of questioning.
00:16:37: Of questioning whether it was true and so if it was to welcome in this idea that this is for my own personal growth
00:16:46: let's face it I don't always feel like personally growing every day sometimes I'm just like a fake it I can't be bothered but usually.
00:16:53: There is a window where we can be open to just sit in it for a moment just doing it if you will.
00:17:00: There's also a moment where it's important to know which kind of discomfort and which level of discomfort can I handle.
00:17:10: Especially at this time with the background of the pandemic and everything that is going on this might not be the time
00:17:17: for extra big challenges right let's face it just on a daily level it's hard to live right now
00:17:23: whether there are vaccinations available on whether your kids are able to go to school or not whatever it is I don't know anybody and I have a lot of friends worldwide who isn't struggling
00:17:33: mentally energetically and physically so it's important for us to way what will contribute more to our Mental Health.
00:17:43: And I think that's a very important distinction that I want to offer for all of us at the end of this episode is to know when is my mental health compromised in a way.
00:17:53: That it strongly interferes
00:17:55: with my being able to be happy and living a happy and healthy life so knowing which discomfort it is that currently represents the kind of strength that I actually have at this point is.
00:18:08: Super super crucial lastly I want to say something about this with the background of the pandemic.
00:18:15: For me it's taught me so much I'm not going to be like huge on the I'm so grateful for this pandemic thing because I think that's just.
00:18:24: That's a little bit too absurd for me at this point especially with everybody globally still doing so horribly in many ways but what it has taught me is to find a little bit more
00:18:36: courage to stay in a place of not knowing what comes next.
00:18:42: And that's very difficult for me I'm a bit of an a-type personality all yoga is side which has helped hugely and meditation.
00:18:50: But I don't like not knowing what comes next I love it in terms of like work I don't like to be bored I get bored easily or maybe you don't necessarily know what project is lined up next that's not the kind of not knowing I mean.
00:19:04: I mean the kind of not knowing that's a little more long-term what is going to happen.
00:19:10: What is our life going to look like if we can indeed at some point hopefully soon speak about a post pandemic era or what I heard the other day the pandemic hangover.
00:19:22: Knowing that we're still in a phase of not knowing to understand that this could maybe have a bit of a positive side and that we don't.
00:19:31: Ask ourselves to plan too far ahead.
00:19:34: And that we instead do what Eckhart Tolle has been telling us for decades now is to stay in the Here and Now.
00:19:42: That's hugely uncomfortable that's a major area of discomfort but it's also been an area of incredible growth.
00:19:50: And me who is not very patient has had to practice a little more patience and feel my way through a kind of life that on a global scale.
00:20:02: Feels a little bit scary and I think being uncomfortable staying in an area of discomfort is always a little scary.
00:20:10: And if you have any kind of anxiety by the way please refer to my very first episode where I talked about it so balancing this ability to stay uncomfortable.
00:20:19: And still be a little anxious and at the same time knowing what kind of reward could be at the other side of this that is just huge
00:20:28: so hoping that we all find a little bit of a courageous moments to be uncomfortable now and then.
00:20:36: Here's from my heart to yours I hope you're well I hope you're safe.
00:20:40: Music.
