00:00:00: Music.
00:00:09: Hey everybody welcome back this is bitch breathe and I am your host ricardia Bromley.
00:00:15: So today is going to be part of a double episode I had first intended for it to just be one and then realized I have so much to say about the subject that I feel I want to make two episodes of it.
00:00:27: Today we're going to talk about raising a boy and I want to send a few things ahead about that.
00:00:33: First of all the way I talk or my experience has been rather
00:00:38: comes from a very heteronormative background so if you are moving in other gendered
00:00:44: backgrounds I would love to hear from you because I'm wondering if you ran into the same sort of stumbling blocks that I did or I and my family did sometimes or whether things actually played out.
00:00:54: In a very different way so just to sort of send that ahead and I have now a grown up boy he's
00:01:02: 21 so I shouldn't say boy I should probably say young men and that is the only child of Ever Raised so keep in mind that my experience is intensely personal and even though I've spoken to a lot of my friends who all have.
00:01:15: A lot more children than I do I can always only speak from this particular viewpoints so keeping that in mind let's Dive Right In.
00:01:25: So back in the day when I first was pregnant with my son and I found out that he was a boy I found out accidentally I had asked the guy no not to tell me but then she
00:01:36: had somebody cover for her the next time and that person just sort of blurted it out so there I was it's a boy
00:01:44: you know you never know how you're going to react because you're like you want a girl doing a boy and you don't really care right because you just want a healthy kid but when they said it's a boy I like oh my God that is so exciting
00:01:54: I'm so glad it's not a girl because I had so many issues with my mom the whole mom and daughter thing if you want to learn more about that I think it's episode 3 of the podcast where I talk about those Dynamics but the mother of a boy has Ike
00:02:07: I love that but actually I don't know anything about boys.
00:02:12: How am I going to raise a boy like I have no idea how to do that and you know coupled with all the other.
00:02:18: Questions that you have around raising a child suddenly you really are kind of in for a freefall there and that's certainly how I felt.
00:02:27: But after a while I was already in college at the time when my son was born and even before.
00:02:33: I started to realize that there's a certain responsibility not just in raising children but in raising a certain kind of child so whether it's a boy or a girl or anything identified in between
00:02:45: you're making not just a social impact.
00:02:49: But a political one and if there ever was a space where the personal becomes political then I think it must be in raising our families.
00:02:59: In our relationship certainly but in raising our children specifically and I'm going to do a double episode because this episode
00:03:08: is going to be more about the personal interaction the experience I had with my boy as a mom and the second part of this double episode is going to be the political
00:03:19: aspect of raising boys so today I just want to talk about some of the little traps that I certainly ran into and the
00:03:29: beauty of it all just to sort of look at okay what does it mean to raise a boy as a mom.
00:03:37: In this sort of heteronormative contacts and one of the most crucial steps.
00:03:42: I find in taking down in equality and gender ISM and sexism and all these things is indeed the idea of how we want to raise our children but we'll get more into that like I said in the second episode this one.
00:03:55: Is about the social stuff so my first point.
00:03:59: That seemed very pressing to me maybe that's why it showed up here first on my list I usually write these lists very stream-of-consciousness I don't necessarily prioritize not consciously anyway but I wrote down here that boys with their moms.
00:04:14: A very Charming.
00:04:15: And they can be very manipulative if my son's listening right now he's probably going to be like Mama that's really mean how come you're saying that.
00:04:25: But I wanted to say this from the point of view as a Mom myself but also what I've noticed in the sons of my friends.
00:04:34: And what is noticeable there is think about it you are now Raising a Son by a person who you very likely.
00:04:42: We're very attracted to at some point in your life maybe you still are depending on whether the father's are still around or not but here is a younger version or a combination of a younger version of this person you were very.
00:04:55: Attracted to plus again if you're in a heteronormative context
00:05:00: you are attracted to males now please God I'm not saying you're attracted to your son right I got no edible agenda going on here but just to sort of keep that in mind that.
00:05:11: You have this person this growing person in the house who is going to start to understand how he can press your buttons and he's going to understand even more.
00:05:21: How to press them without your even noticing it so I loved what Glennon Doyle said once in her book Untamed get it please people if you haven't read it yet and she talks about how she noticed after a while when her son and she has two other
00:05:36: children to female ones how he would say no I have to do homework I got to study for exams and he would be exempt from household duties whereas when the girls said they had something they weren't necessarily
00:05:49: and I've noticed that that temptation.
00:05:53: Comes around very very quickly because boys or men are Maybe by their privileged by their history are so used to people taking things off their hands because they have important business to take care of
00:06:05: but we have important business to take care of two as moms as females and so to sort of not give into this.
00:06:13: Charming but manipulative behavior of come on Mom let me do this or let me do that and y'all I'll do it later it's like
00:06:22: no sometimes you have to come down on these boys even harder because
00:06:28: they can just somehow weasel their way out I mean they're cute they're Charming maybe they even
00:06:34: have a way about them that is just very loving all those things are beautiful there's nothing wrong with it but know that if we give in to these sort of
00:06:43: Charming little behaviorisms and.
00:06:47: Manipulations you've got yourself a narcissist in the making you know we often think narcissists are people maybe they came from Bad homes or you know they weren't treated well they didn't get enough attention as children,
00:06:59: I'm going to be very honest I'm not a psychologist but from my personal point of view that's not what I've seen
00:07:04: narcissists were made because their parents and I'm afraid because women are still mostly the caregivers mostly women spoiled them rotten they let them get away with murder so by the time this guy arrives at your doorstep.
00:07:19: They're used to getting their way because Mom.
00:07:22: Mostly sorry we got to put this thing on ourselves in Parts Mom let him get away with it and maybe Dad wasn't there or didn't know how
00:07:31: but he also didn't interfere enough for this Dynamic to be disrupted so knowing our boys are Charming
00:07:39: maybe we even think they're very handsome young men and that gonna go out there and be really successful but they also could get very very narcissistic if we let them get away.
00:07:48: With so many things and I've seen it time and time again I've noticed it in myself I'm like wait a second why am I emptying the dishwasher
00:07:55: because he needs to get outside get some fresh air skating know you empty the dishwasher with me and then you go skating because maybe I want to go rollerblading something I totally enjoy and there's no reason why
00:08:07: he shouldn't have to do that.
00:08:09: And I do so that was part number one of my observations another thing that I thought about because I meandered around the topic so much was the topic of spirituality.
00:08:21: I think as women we have easier access or we've been raised to have easier access to the topic and a lot of times we find that men or boys aren't really that interested
00:08:31: but they don't seem to be that interested or it's not cool it's not masculine whatever it is and I'm not saying to impose our spiritual beliefs onto our boys or children in general or anybody right.
00:08:44: But to keep the door open for it
00:08:46: to not naturally assumed that because he's a boy he's not going to be interested he's going to think it's stupid or dumb or whatever those comments can come and I'll have you know that the I did experience that my son is totally not into it
00:08:59: but to always keep the door open that maybe they are and that even if it's not spirituality.
00:09:05: That guides their conduct that guides their interaction with other people to at least let them be conscious
00:09:14: in their interaction with others
00:09:16: so let's say they don't believe in any particular deity or in the universe and its intelligence and all these things that my son particularly thinks is totally rude oh
00:09:26: but to use our own spirituality than maybe to guide their conscious Behavior to expect them to have.
00:09:35: This sensitivity towards other people and I know this is where we often run into this
00:09:41: comment of like you don't want him to be a worse you don't want them to be like all soft and stuff no of course not but to be honest I'm a female I don't want to be a wuss I don't want to be
00:09:52: too soft when I need to stand up for myself it doesn't matter how we identify nobody wants to be a wuss and nobody is automatically a wuss because they show feelings so just to keep in mind that even if we can't sort of
00:10:06: find any spirituality
00:10:08: in them or they can't find it in them yet much more importantly to know that we do have the opportunity to keep the door to it open.
00:10:17: And to let them understand that conscious Behavior.
00:10:21: Even if we don't want to call it spirituality is a necessary guide and compass for our Behavior.
00:10:29: With ourselves first and foremost and with others.
00:10:33: And then I thought about the role of the father right some of them are missing some of them are present so how are we interacting with our sons depending on what our opinion and our relationship with their fathers is.
00:10:49: So for example if the father is missing if he's not around for whatever reason it's very important that we know how we feel about the father.
00:10:59: Whether the children have contact with the father are not that of course is going to also make an impact.
00:11:05: But what is mostly I'm afraid making the impact is how we as moms feel about the father.
00:11:13: And the risk here is that if there is resentment if there's anything that we are bothered by with the father whether he still lives with us or not that we project that onto the child I hope not but maybe it can happen.
00:11:26: That we say stuff like oh my God you're just like your father I mean you can't reproach this kid because you chose his father and his father has this and this shortcoming right I mean we've all probably done it but it's just like to sort of keep checking ourselves
00:11:40: for the kind of projections we put on to our sons because of how we feel about the father.
00:11:47: The same goes if the father is present for example and has an opportunity and the
00:11:54: Joy really in participating fully in the raising of this boy child to make them spend lots of time with each other to understand that being a dad
00:12:05: for the kid to understand and the dad
00:12:07: obviously also that this is not a part-time job that in fact if you are just going to let your wife your ex-girlfriend
00:12:16: in any case the mother of your children if you are going to let her do this alone.
00:12:22: If you're going to allow that to happen think about that there's a responsibility here if you are going to allow that to happen know that she will do this in her way and how she can do it
00:12:35: hopefully she has other support other influences uncle's coaches whatever male identified or other it doesn't matter but if it's only her doing the raising of this kid
00:12:48: then it's only her perspective in there.
00:12:51: And do you really want that I mean everybody carries the male and female energy it's not like a woman or a man can't do this by themselves and raise a balanced child.
00:13:01: But I think it's clear that if you as the father.
00:13:04: Who participated in the creation of this person then pulls himself out of the creative process of raising this child.
00:13:13: You're really putting him at
00:13:15: risk because not only does he grow up without the father and and your influence your energy he's also not going to Value the input of a male figure who raises him very much he might think
00:13:29: disposable or that Europeans don't really matter or the way you view the world is not really relevant to him do you really want that.
00:13:39: And then as a mother the same thing if there's any way that you can make this co-production between you and the father of the child know that this is a way to really impact the child's and to let him see.
00:13:52: How men how fathers.
00:13:55: Can influence a child's life right that it's not just women who are given the responsibility of having mess the whole thing up
00:14:03: just in case somebody gets that idea because why should women take all the blame for what's going wrong in society for raising all these you know spoiled boys or boys who are neglect or whatever it's like
00:14:15: women wouldn't have to do this by themselves if the father's didn't consider this a part time job or even just a donation at the beginning of the creative process right
00:14:25: no we all have responsibility to pull ourselves into here missing fathers fathers who are living in the home doesn't matter
00:14:33: have a stake in the raising of your boy and this piggybacks onto my last point for us women.
00:14:41: And this is something I noticed because I had two different partners in raising my son his father first time I was with for a longer time and then his stepfather who I was with even longer.
00:14:52: And so I had the contrast and I noticed that our sons will treat us.
00:14:58: The way our partners do if your partner speaks to you disrespectfully this was more the case in my second longer relationship
00:15:06: I made it a point especially when my son was right there I made it a point to say do not speak to me in that way especially in front of my child do not ever.
00:15:18: Disrespect me like that I'm raising a boy this is a huge responsibility don't
00:15:25: give that kind of example and I came down on my partner at the time really really hard the first time it happened because I felt so strongly about it right because the boys they're watching they're watching out for a few things there watching out do I need to protect my mom
00:15:40: they're watching the man is he getting away with it they're watching the power structure between you.
00:15:47: And conversations are great apologies are great explanations are great but these are all verbal.
00:15:55: And the cues they're really taking are the actionable ones
00:15:58: the ones that were doing the ones that were living and I know you know all this lead by example and all that but when things get hot and heavy with the partner when things aren't going so well maybe know that they are watching and watching closely
00:16:13: both of you and the reverse is true also right if you have a very loving relationship or respectful one.
00:16:20: Not only do they watch that too but they feel so safe and that going to seek out that safety for themselves.
00:16:28: So that's the beautiful thing about when you do get along when you are able to solve conflicts in a peaceful way maybe you're into the whole nonviolent communication thing how wonderful.
00:16:38: Because here is your son and he's going to want to create that safety for himself for his family and if he has children one day.
00:16:47: He'll be able to provide that for his children and we'll get more into that whole ancestral thing and how we can really make an impact on society as a whole just by that right.
00:16:57: The next thing is.
00:16:58: As the first and for a very long time the most important woman in his life regardless of where he ends up on the gender Spectrum or preference wise right it's important that we as mothers.
00:17:11: Know our power by Nature there's always a power structure right and not to make this a whole wolf pack analogy.
00:17:21: Or maybe I will but to know that the power is always up for grabs and if you don't take it the boy will children will in general.
00:17:30: And especially however when it happens with a boy you have now begun to create a nuclear situation of larger society so the boy sort of
00:17:40: taking over the power even thinking sometimes yes to protect you maybe you lost your job and you're really upset I know this happened to me I'm going to be very honest
00:17:49: way too often because I raised my son many years by myself I would show the full spectrum of how upset I was or scared and.
00:17:59: Afterwards I would feel so guilty because I knew I had gone too far my child does not need to witness this much it's okay to say you're scared maybe there's some tears
00:18:08: but don't give them the full Spiel of the problems you're facing right now and here's why I went super wrong sometimes and I've been given that.
00:18:17: Feedback from my son as the years went by and certainly now that he's a young grown-up is to not confuse them.
00:18:26: With our partners and I know we all know that and that it happens anyway but just to understand the kind of power and in this case negative power where wielding.
00:18:36: Right because now we're manipulating them into consoling us taking on this problem relieving us of our pain our worries whatever take that power back
00:18:46: go somewhere else with it
00:18:48: leave them out of the picture for this again I'm not talking about hiding emotions I'm talking about the kind of power our emotions have over our children and to be very very conscious of how much of that power we want to wield.
00:19:03: But then if we're talking about power in the positive way to let our sons know.
00:19:09: That we have it and a lot of it as women especially to really show them that we stand up for ourselves that we don't take shit lying down.
00:19:19: Standing up lying down and to really show them that power can absolutely be defined female.
00:19:27: All right so sort of knowing both sides of this power and understanding how we can wield it and the very last one of this episode.
00:19:36: Empathy empathy empathy I know this is a word that is thrown a route at an inflationary rate but the truth is
00:19:45: we're all still lacking tons of it
00:19:47: I've met so many men who are not even bad guys you know it's like good cop bad cop thing but they don't understand
00:19:56: what's going on emotionally they
00:19:58: even try sometimes understand why is she crying now why is this situation so much bigger than let's say what happened last Tuesday what is it and it's like they they're missing the vocabulary
00:20:10: the actions and the deep understanding of what is going on with this other person on an emotional or energetic level.
00:20:18: So what can we do about that because that is a huge problem.
00:20:23: And especially with the pandemic now and everybody living in isolation these kids aren't even getting a chance to practice.
00:20:30: The emphatic interaction with other people they're not even getting the opportunity.
00:20:35: So now that what do we do this isn't such a new tool but it's one I think we have to be so much more conscious of right now
00:20:42: is that to keep inviting them to share their feelings as females this is something I think where we do have an easier life we're always invited by each other to share our feelings and even if not we just sort of go and share them anyway
00:20:56: right so we've created for each other hopefully a culture where sharing feelings is mostly okay.
00:21:02: It's often negatively connoted because of women you know so many emotions whatever but at least we do get.
00:21:09: To have them right we've been given the the privilege by each other to do that to open up the space.
00:21:17: But for men for boys not so much so specially at this time to keep asking them not just what did you do today but how did that make you feel.
00:21:26: How did that make this other person feel whose interactions you watched or were a part of.
00:21:31: And to constantly invite this and again I know a lot of especially men I have to say come.
00:21:38: At this particular part from oh my god do we all have to be women now.
00:21:43: I'm not even going to dignify that whole argument with a comment other than that's not the point it's not a point about being female or male especially in this more gender-fluid time right now really who's interested that much anymore I mean.
00:21:57: In terms of we have to be interested to move things forward politically and to make a safe environment for all the genders on the Spectrum right but beyond that I don't want to have this conversation anymore of his is going to be a wuss and she's too emotional side
00:22:12: enough already let's just keep that out of the discussion so to really understand that the more we invite them to.
00:22:20: Feel and to be okay with having these feelings the more empathy they will have.
00:22:25: And if they're going to be and a lot of them will be Future Leaders how great when we have a whole new generation and those that follow.
00:22:34: That have empathy that bring empathy to their work and to their personal relationships alrighty so that was
00:22:42: part 1 of the raising a boy episodes I hope it was helpful to you I'd really love to hear from you especially if you are the mothers of boys or male identified children I always think it's so helpful too,
00:22:55: have an exchange about how we raise our children and how we feel the responsibility of doing so.
00:23:03: I'm hoping you're well I hope you are coping all right in this time.
00:23:08: Music.
