00:00:00: Music.

00:00:11: Welcome back to which breathe I'm really happy you're here and that more of you are listening so it's really nice to have you all here.

00:00:20: Today's topic I have to admit I skirted the issue for quite a few weeks now I always usually

00:00:27: Walker with an idea for a while and try to see if it fits and then I wake up and I usually know today is this in this topic but this one I danced around for quite a bit

00:00:39: because I wasn't sure I wanted to get back into it it's something we've probably all been through by now in our lives

00:00:48: something that doesn't however have to necessarily get easier.

00:00:53: Even though Cat Stevens sings The First Cut is the Deepest I want to argue that in some ways the one that comes much later is a little bit worse so today I'm going to talk about.

00:01:07: The Break-Up.

00:01:09: And this will be a double episode at least I keep thinking of new ways to go about it so it might even become a third episode but let's see so.

00:01:21: Depending on.

00:01:24: What the breakup was like how the process went for you for you both that's going to determine how you are going to be able to handle the

00:01:35: aftermath right so the tools that I'm going to introduce a going to be a little mix of tools that were helpful to me.

00:01:45: When the breakup was a very conscious one a very healthy one yes they can happen to and then there's going to be tools that will clearly be for those of us who went through a rather toxic break up,

00:01:58: a traumatic one

00:02:00: for some of us there very sudden we didn't see it coming or didn't want to see it coming maybe depending on if we were left or if we left the other person and

00:02:12: the whole story around that how important that is I left this guy or she left me

00:02:17: and yeah there's so so much to say about this issue that I really want to take my time and.

00:02:28: Yeah explore it together with you.

00:02:31: That said Here Comes The First Tool and this one I called no rules.

00:02:40: I find this extremely important that's why I put it at the first place if you will because.

00:02:47: When my one of my last breakups that haven't been that many in recent times but there have been some one of my last breakups a few years back

00:02:57: I kept thinking that I should have a healthy and constructive way of working through this after all by now I was a woman in my 40s

00:03:07: I knew breakups I knew breakups where my child was involved as part of the separation

00:03:13: I knew breakups where there weren't any children I've had uncomplicated ones complicated ones I have a lot of friends so I thought I sort of knew what to do

00:03:24: to have a healthy breakup.

00:03:26: That my friends was such an incredible illusion that I am I tend to smile about it today and try to send a lot of compassion towards my younger self because the truth is

00:03:37: didn't happen in any way that I could have foreseen and it wasn't very healthy at all at times I was very self-destructive.

00:03:46: I don't know how it is for some of you I didn't start any addiction or anything but for the first time in my life I could understand why you would.

00:03:55: Until that time I still hadn't fully understood.

00:04:00: The destructive aspect of what it means when you suddenly lose someone who in my case was everything to me this was my business partner of course my lover my Confidant my best friend my trusted person my favorite person

00:04:15: the person and I thought this was going to last forever.

00:04:20: I really did I know that sounds naive but why would you get married in this case I was married if you don't believe it's going to last forever and I did I was incredibly in love

00:04:33: with this man and for it to end I didn't know.

00:04:37: I didn't know how that could have happened and so I had all these rules of how I was going to go about it I was going to start a new sport

00:04:45: which I did I cycled my heart out of my

00:04:47: body and my lungs out of my chest in a cycling place I did a lot more yoga than I did before that part was okay and then just generally trying to sort of get in shape and,

00:05:00: get him out of my head if you will

00:05:03: and then the opposite happened I just bombed it out on my couch all the time I wasn't eating healthily I was telling everybody and their brother about just what a douchebag my ex-husband was and how he had hurt me and

00:05:17: all these things and so it felt not healthy I didn't always sound fair in my narrative but you know what at the beginning.

00:05:26: Even throughout there are no rules you do this in whatever way you can to get yourself through the day because let's face it if you're still raising children if you have.

00:05:38: A job which you probably do and Ally for people who depend on you

00:05:44: it's going to be hard to break down right it's almost like it's not allowed but the truth is it is something incredibly essential and traumatic again depending on how the break-up got came about just occurred.

00:05:59: You need to give yourself time to explore all Ali's of healing that you possibly can and,

00:06:07: you probably know this from experience many of these are not healthy many of them however seem to need to be lived through in order to move forward so no rules do whatever it takes.

00:06:20: So that you can find a way through this experience.

00:06:25: And that of course brings me to my tool number to the support group.

00:06:31: Bring them in you've heard me say this in so many episodes bring in your sisters bring in the mothers the grandmother's everyone who.

00:06:40: Is close to you and who will allow you to narrate.

00:06:45: And vent and be completely uncensored this is very very important I feel this aspect of non censorship.

00:06:54: Because I was already being so strict

00:06:57: to myself about how this should be going and why am I not pulling myself together that it was so nice to spend time with women who,

00:07:05: demanded of me to soften around all my ideas of how this was supposed to go and who listened to my story

00:07:14: over and over and over at all times of the day,

00:07:19: they were there for me they listened they didn't grow tired of what I was saying they vented with me,

00:07:25: and if I wanted to name call my ex-partner they name called in with me they told me that yes that is was absolutely right again it doesn't matter right now who was right and who was wrong what matters is this

00:07:37: Port what matters is that someone is backing you up and that's the support group.

00:07:43: And while I'm at the topic of support I also want to say something about getting professional support and professional in the.

00:07:51: Sort of way to send so this is tool number 3,

00:07:55: see if you want to look into coaching or therapy I don't care if you go to a shaman or whatever it is but try to maybe find someone who.

00:08:05: Works through this with you in a professional way I don't really like the word professional around this but I guess what I mean is someone who can.

00:08:17: Accompany you on this journey who has seen this journey happen over and over and who has made it their business to help people through these transitions because after all this is what this is this is a transition.

00:08:32: You're managing a change a major one and there are people out there who know,

00:08:37: a lot about that they don't know better than you how to handle this because every breakup and every love story is so individual but they will have some.

00:08:48: I guess tools to maybe move you through it.

00:08:53: I don't like in this context the idea of moving forward because it's sort of an imperative we often feel we have to have like okay I'm going to move forward with this coach I'm going to move forward with these in these new habits and hobbies in the truth is you don't have to move out

00:09:08: all at that time but you may need help and that's what this coach or therapist or whatever other person you pick is there for.

00:09:17: Tool number for stay at your friend's house has.

00:09:22: Even overnight so this is something I did a lot because when I first returned to sleeping alone

00:09:28: I went through all these cliches I mean how many love songs have we heard where the bed is too big after our partners gone or the nights are so lonely and so long and so dark and I went through all that

00:09:39: at the nights were lonely I cried and cried as you know you listen to all the songs just to help you get the tears out even and it's incredibly cathartic I

00:09:51: definitely recommend recommend crying all over the place all the time but at some point I realized.

00:09:58: I don't even want to go home sometimes it's too quiet there

00:10:04: that there's no one to even get on my nerves and sometimes it was so quiet at the house that I thought Jesus even fighting was better than this and so what I would sometimes do is I would just crash on my friends couches and stay there overnight spend entire weekends there and that was really really nice because

00:10:22: the side effect and you've probably witnessed already during some of your breakups the side effect of losing a partner,

00:10:30: is the deepening of the relationship to your friends,

00:10:37: for me I hadn't really understood what true friendship meant

00:10:42: how it can hold you how it really is better than family in many cases and that's what happened this staying at friends houses overnight and really spending significant chunks of time with them

00:10:54: my friendships were never deeper.

00:10:57: I never never had those kinds of deep Spirit conversations that I did during this time.

00:11:05: And that brings me to two or number five keep the lines of communication open with this ex-partner.

00:11:13: And use them if it's possible this is a big if this is one of the tools that.

00:11:21: Unfortunately will only work if there's some degree of cooperation between you,

00:11:26: in one break up that I am speaking about and that in fact most of what I'm talking about today is based on the lines of communication were not open.

00:11:36: In this case I decided to leave.

00:11:39: And keep in mind I'm not saying that for reasons of controlling the narrative because I don't think it matters who leaves and who is left because one person makes it impossible to leave

00:11:51: the other person makes it impossible to stay it that's just Logistics to me but if you are in a situation where the lines of communication are not open like it was for me,

00:12:01: it's going to be very very hard and I'll probably talk about that particular aspect in the next episode

00:12:07: in this one I do want to talk about the situation when they are opened so if conversation is possible if you can step into dialogue with your ex

00:12:17: this is something I did in another long-term relationship that I had then do so don't abandon each other.

00:12:25: If your relationship was a longer one you will have you will have played many roles

00:12:31: for each other your lives will be quite a bit entangled in terms of children friendship circles property even,

00:12:40: bank accounts there's going to be so much to disentangle to make a life that had been joined together,

00:12:47: into to lives again that keeping this conversation going is going to be

00:12:53: not just essential on the logistical side because it is don't even get me started on lawyers and and the court and stuff but you also have emotional needs.

00:13:03: There's a lot of why why did we arrive at this point what happened to us.

00:13:10: Hey do you have an explanation for why you said this and how come this makes me feel so and so so to really not abandon each other you who have been so important to each other for such an amount of time.

00:13:25: There's no need for that there's no need for the overnight break up,

00:13:28: there's no need for the we are now separate and we shouldn't talk to each other anymore in fact even if you have a new partner or something and this new partner were to say why you still talking this person why.

00:13:39: Because this person was important and a relationship doesn't just end because you're no longer sleeping with each other because you are now in two separate Apartments.

00:13:48: Especially if there are children involved.

00:13:51: We really really really need to talk to each other and to keep the love that we had even as it's been transformed into a different kind.

00:14:01: But to keep that at the center of our conversations so that the engagement can be one of I guess conscience conscious encounter as opposed to becoming Public Enemy Number One to each other.

00:14:14: To number 6 don't look them up on social media that is something that I continuously I broke this rule that I had set for myself and that way

00:14:24: over and over I couldn't stay away I had to see what he was doing of course at some point

00:14:31: pictures of the new gal showed up and I was raging I was raging and I was grieving and I could not.

00:14:40: I could not stop myself from looking at his new life because looking at mine.

00:14:45: Mint falling apart on a minute-to-minute basis and I didn't want to look at my life I didn't think there was anything promising going forward to be in it and so I would focus on him.

00:14:59: Lot and I'll get to that part also in the next episode about.

00:15:03: Them versus us but I kept looking at these pictures and I was so hurt I had so much pain sometimes that when I looked at the picture I just.

00:15:13: I just I couldn't even say anything I was so shocked at his life seemingly moving forward in a seamless.

00:15:22: And emotionless way when you see these pictures of this new person in their lives it's just it's not going to help you,

00:15:30: I know I can't stop you from knocking them off on social media and I know you know the effect it's going to have when you do,

00:15:38: but I will tell you that once I did manage to follow through keep in mind this was a lot later

00:15:44: then the time of the break up so this one took me awhile and I totally I think everyone understands when we don't manage it but when I did stop,

00:15:54: I was so much better it was a feasible it was a visceral change because now I had really stepped out of a certain contact.

00:16:04: And again if you have sort of a conscious uncoupling I think as it's sometimes called maybe this is very different for you but if it was in any way.

00:16:14: Dramatic toxic unexpected or any of those things don't look them up.

00:16:21: It really really is only going to bring pain tool number seven.

00:16:27: Rebounds they'll happen but they won't heal.

00:16:32: That was my experience I was so hoping for a rebound when I separated from my husband back then I was like gosh just serve me up any old guy I really don't care I just really need to stop feeling all this grief I need my body to be

00:16:48: used in a way that stops me from feeling all of it

00:16:53: so profoundly I just wanted to stop feeling and I couldn't get a rebound I can literally.

00:17:01: I couldn't get laid as basically what I'm saying I think I had so much grief around me and my aura was so full of.

00:17:10: Sadness and anger and I'll get to anger in the next episode for sure but I think anybody who would come within a.

00:17:18: You know two foot pole distance to me out of been like dude.

00:17:22: Get out while you can and I think that was felt around me but I think a while into

00:17:32: their breakup this was a long while now I finally did a rebound

00:17:38: and a rebound it was still because nothing of us most of what I was still dealing with was still here and.

00:17:46: For the moment it felt so much better I felt desirable again the sex was

00:17:53: it was okay wasn't you know wasn't fireworks but you know it's served its purpose and it served me on so many levels that I don't want to say don't rebound because on many levels it

00:18:04: it did feel better for a moment even if it was a bit of a Band-Aid it did,

00:18:09: and it felt good to be in the company of a man in this case again and to.

00:18:17: To be listened to this was a person I had known for a long time so it wasn't like a completely new guy and to really feel like they understood that what how I had been treated was not fair and

00:18:28: in my eyes and yeah so there was some healing I don't want to pretend that there wasn't but mostly I just

00:18:36: started a new relationship that then became quite an interesting replica of the one that I had left before

00:18:43: so go ahead rebound don't rebound

00:18:46: there could be some healing that might not be at all but really maybe looking at the option and wondering is this really what serves me well.

00:18:55: And hey.

00:18:57: If it doesn't know that you are in good company with this particular lady over here okay tool number 8.

00:19:08: Big one focus on what you need.

00:19:11: To get you through the day and to get you through this phase so during The Break-Up I was

00:19:18: often very focus on the other person what they're doing right now how shitty they behaved why I think they should have done this that and the other

00:19:27: and then I started judging because I look them up on social media judging what they were doing please they're doing this that and the other and I was so focused on the other person,

00:19:37: what they must be thinking what they're doing wrong

00:19:41: and how they're not handling the situation in an optimal way when this energy which was a lot should have all gone towards myself,

00:19:51: and my healing so this is something I've noticed in girlfriends too and there's a break up we always often talk about he or she depending on who your partner was.

00:20:01: Oh he's doing this and he's doing that and I can't but can you believe he said this and then this happened and I don't know do you think he maybe he thinks this and it's like you know what as painful as this is it doesn't matter anymore,

00:20:16: it doesn't matter so much anymore what this person thinks.

00:20:21: And I think when I first realized that it doesn't matter anymore that just sent me into another wave of grief because I realize it's none of my business anymore this person is no longer my business.

00:20:35: We are not each other's lives now granted that that is a painfully insight.

00:20:43: It will free up the energy that you can then direct towards you and with this.

00:20:51: Referring to Tool number one no rules do whatever going out with friends going for a meditation.

00:21:00: Class somewhere going for walks borrow somebody's dog for all I care and just get out really find ways to deal with yourself.

00:21:11: And know that whatever energy you put into yourself is what's going to propel you forward if we want to talk about the forward motion at this point.

00:21:22: Right so really taking the conversations that we have the energy that we're spending back,

00:21:30: take it back unhook from this other person bit by bit unplug this cable that connects you to them unplug that one and keep plugging back into you.

00:21:42: And the last tool for this episode and this I found super super helpful.

00:21:51: Is that there is no linear progression of how this breakup process will go so you've probably heard all about the five stages of grieving.

00:22:02: I can't name them all but I know that some of them are acceptance and anger and grief and then moving on or whatever it is yes these all come up.

00:22:12: But at least for me personally and I'd love to hear from you how it was or is for you,

00:22:17: they don't come in a linear progression I'm not first angry then grieving and then I move into acceptance

00:22:24: for me it was different I was grieving for a long time then I got really really angry the acceptance came I don't know what felt like ten years later it wasn't it was a lot sooner.

00:22:34: They keep.

00:22:35: Mmm they keep alternating and sort of circling and so that's why I didn't find this to be a linear progression I found it to be circular and Meandering and retreating going back and forth and the.

00:22:49: Progression because there is one.

00:22:52: Even if it feels stuck and it feels old and you can't listen to the sound of your own crying anymore there still is progression but it's.

00:23:01: A little bit more like.

00:23:04: Like an ocean I guess there's the ebb and the flow and the waves come in they come back out again they look familiar because you think you've been here before but no it's a new wave.

00:23:14: It's a new stage it's a new stage of anger even if you've had five stages of anger.

00:23:21: It's a new stage of grief even if you've cried through I don't know 365 nights of that year it doesn't matter.

00:23:31: Let's try to not be so concerned with working and walking through all these stages.

00:23:37: But instead accepting that this is the stage I'm in right now I'm really angry I'm really grieving and I don't know the way forward.

00:23:46: So really,

00:23:48: as much as we can going through the process as authentically as we feel it and listen if you get stuck somewhere for a really long time if something seems super repetitive speak to your friends tell them do you think I'm stuck.

00:24:02: Or probably if you have one good friend.

00:24:06: She's super direct she will give it to me straight all the time ask that person and then maybe see if there's a away,

00:24:13: out of that particular stage but my experience with my girlfriends even my mother other older women in my life has always been that there is no Rhyme or Reason to how this thing moves forward it just is.

00:24:29: All right so I realized about one or two tools into this episode that there's so much more.

00:24:37: I could be saying about this and there's so much more to talk about which I really want to do in the next episode of this but until then.

00:24:46: Treat yourself right stay healthy and hopefully we'll hear each.

00:24:51: Music.