00:00:00: Music.

00:00:10: Everybody this is bitch breathe my name is ricardia welcome back to a brand new edition I hope you're all doing well at the strange time and as I record these episodes I'm always thinking about ways where I can.

00:00:25: Yeah find strategies to deal with what is going on as well as life just continuing with the usual challenges that it brings so today I've decided I want to talk about keeping an emotional distance.

00:00:38: This may sound a little counterintuitive what with all the social distancing were having to do at the moment and the,

00:00:46: separation that we're experiencing from those who are closest and even not so close to us at this point I often find myself thinking,

00:00:54: well if I could just like have a spontaneous conversation with someone the supermarket that would just feel really really great and luckily those things happen but I'll get to that later

00:01:02: so why am I choosing to speak about emotional distance at the moment well.

00:01:08: You might have noticed I think we all have that our emotions.

00:01:13: And our reactions can be a little volatile and unpredictable at this time I know it's been that way for me and in conversations with my friends.

00:01:22: Very far away and here in Germany or Berlin I'm noticing the same Trend where everybody sort of feels very raw.

00:01:29: The membrane that maybe some of us are able to use to let certain emotions in and others out,

00:01:36: isn't really fully functioning I know from me definitely that filter has been practically absent at the time think of it as the ozone layer not quite covering the area you live in and so everything is direct heat.

00:01:50: That's what it can feel like at least sometimes maybe you know what I'm talking about so.

00:01:56: I want to give an example the other day I was listening into a conversation on clubhouse and they were talking about

00:02:04: it was a very general question so everybody could feel empowered or encouraged to participate regardless of level of Education or even knowledge about the subject I guess but the question was should there be absolute

00:02:19: freedom of speech or opinion I think as it's called in Germany.

00:02:25: And that questions already pretty vague like I said or very general and there was one guy who seemed to know the moderator he.

00:02:35: Raise his hand to speak and then he said that you know

00:02:38: absolute seems a little strong and stuff but Lala he was going on and on with a lot of things that I didn't quite agree with but the one thing that really got me going was and quite frankly I'm experiencing a lot of.

00:02:52: How did he say veritable racism now the guy is an older white man keep in mind

00:02:59: now I'm laughing because I'm thinking I'm sorry did you miss the way the woke train because clearly you ain't on board you ain't got no ticket either but.

00:03:10: I was listening to this and I thought.

00:03:13: What what what's what did he just say and I got so upset about it and I also got upset that he continued to talk and I kept thinking my God somebody grab a mic

00:03:23: Emperor Mao on this guy because I am all on this guy because clearly he's off his rocker so two women then.

00:03:32: Who are on the stage you have to be on the stage on clubhouse to be able to speak immediately said if anything you're not experiencing racism you're experiencing discrimination and the other said something else that I also thought was very valid

00:03:45: and I was so compelled to also raise my hand and grab the mic but.

00:03:51: There were too many people performing and you are wasn't going to get to it on time and so the moderator

00:03:58: thanks the guy for his sometimes controversial opinions they clearly knew each other

00:04:03: and the for the courage to say the things he did now even though I also was grateful that the guy said this I thought there should have been some sort of corrective measure but instead the moderator.

00:04:16: Reprimanded the two women for grabbing the mic when they hadn't been asked.

00:04:20: So I immediately Switched Off the whole thing because I was like I'm only going to get upset but what I'm trying to get out with this very long Clubhouse anecdote is I.

00:04:30: Really scaled my anger up in no time in no time I was super angry self-righteous I had all sorts of opinions and I was in a state of Fury

00:04:43: and I thought to myself okay so here I am in this app that clearly is mainly for entertainment.

00:04:49: And maybe a little help if you're into certain subjects but to really scale your anger up in that way

00:04:56: seems a little excessive so maybe I should check myself and that is what I want to talk about today is the how can we find ways.

00:05:05: To disengage when we notice our emotions are clearly out of proportion to what is going on or even if they're not clearly out of proportion to us

00:05:15: maybe we're noticing that it's just very strong and we don't know how to handle it I'm also practicing this especially at this time.

00:05:25: Everyday I make a conscious decision and I've noticed a lot of people around me have done so to to deescalate.

00:05:34: Writes that so that whenever something comes up what is the D escalating thing to do not because I'm not right not because I want to stand up for myself but because.

00:05:45: The question is do I really want to go there.

00:05:48: In the clubhouse example what I mean is do I really want to engage here now do I think I can convert this old white guy that he's

00:05:56: part of the old Consciousness that really needs to dissipate and to contribute to the new Consciousness that we have now and that we can hopefully maintain and I thought to myself

00:06:07: I'm not going to be able to actually have an impact in this moment if I criticize what he says he's just going to feel.

00:06:14: Maybe even more confirmed in the rightness of what he's saying so the question do I really want to go there do I want to fully engage on a put on battle armor and go to war with this person not really.

00:06:29: It's not because I'm lethargic not because I'm a coward but because it's not the kind of framework where I can make an impact so,

00:06:38: just as sort of a little tool that I found for myself was just the question do I really want to go there I'm related to that.

00:06:48: I had a second question that I'm trying to apply in these sort of situations which is is this your battle because you know.

00:06:57: Many times it is as.

00:06:59: Any kind of disenfranchised group whether it's black lives matter whether it's feminism whether it's people with disabilities whatever group it is technically you're always in battle

00:07:11: in some way it's not even a choice of oh do I go to battle today or not it's like I'm sorry I've just been discriminated against you just made this my battle,

00:07:20: so when you ask yourself this question is this your battle.

00:07:25: You may very well have to whether you wanted to or not say yes to that,

00:07:32: because there's been an injustice towards you towards your child towards your partner whoever it is and then by all means.

00:07:40: If there's an impact to be made or even if it just relieves you from.

00:07:45: Pent-up anger and frustration and grief or whatever it is that is going on for you by all means I do believe in engaging.

00:07:54: When the historic time if you will calls for it but there's also a possibility where we decide.

00:08:02: That this is not our battle because we've maybe just been criticized maybe we haven't been discriminated as a group or as a person but we've been criticized over a certain situation like for example the other day at work I

00:08:15: I realize that my coworker was really being criticized and I didn't like the tone that was being taken towards him and I thought should I step in now and sort of engage in this.

00:08:28: But my co-workers a fully grown person adults and.

00:08:33: Speaks the language and so I thought you know what it's not my battle I think maybe if he were a woman I'd have felt slightly different and I may have very well come to his aid but this was a guy,

00:08:45: a white guy in a work situation I thought no it's not my battle it's something he has to learn he needs to become this and this person in order for these battles to go away,

00:08:57: and so I disengaged I made myself available for him to speak to afterward in case he felt like there was something he wanted to process totally but I didn't get entangled

00:09:08: and what clearly was not my situation or my mess.

00:09:13: Another thing that I've noticed in all the subtleties of emotion and not-so-subtle actually at the moment is.

00:09:24: What is not being said so sometimes what I'm noticing now is that as this this pressure cooker.

00:09:32: Mmm people and you can tell they're clearly ready to explode because of

00:09:37: what is going on maybe maybe they just had personally having a crappy day they've waited a long time in the supermarket line or maybe they're waiting outside for a store because sometimes those lines here now right because not everything is open and that can be some bottleneck going on

00:09:54: and

00:09:54: you notice it the other day I noticed this woman she was complaining about something and clearly she was looking at people around her too.

00:10:04: To get confirmation that this was a very frustrating situation clearly an acceptable on yada yada yada and I realized okay.

00:10:13: There's all this sort of barrage of verbiage coming from this woman.

00:10:18: But what is not being said is that Curly she's just having a really hard day you know things are not going well for her so

00:10:25: I didn't really know what to say to her I didn't feel like I should have to take care of her and that moment but at the same time I didn't want it to sort of feel,

00:10:33: unseen I guess so I just gave her a brief smile and then went about my business and that was all I could do and it was all I felt I should do.

00:10:43: At that moment because it's not my job to then go up to her and say hey you know what is really going on maybe sometimes it is but in this case it didn't feel that way and so I decided that what was not being said

00:10:57: was much louder than what she was actually

00:11:00: pronouncing and to just maybe smile and let her know that I have seen you I see that this is difficult maybe that's all it takes,

00:11:09: I don't know you're not always going to you know

00:11:12: reap benefits from being the nice person I'm just remembering the other day I didn't have cash on me and I'm coming out of the organic food store you know

00:11:23: with the kind of middle-class guilt people have when they come out of an organic store and there's a person in front of it selling the homeless paper in Berlin they.

00:11:33: Very often outside the organic food store which I think is pretty smart but anyway I didn't have cash on me so when I went in I thought oh let me just pick up some food for the guy

00:11:43: so I packed like a little brown bag or like a couple things nothing big nothing super super you know Crown me Jesus kind of giving but an offering right

00:11:52: and I come out I said I'm sorry I didn't have cash and I hand him the bag and the face on the god.

00:12:00: Face on the guys like lady like.

00:12:03: What up like what am I supposed to do with that you know like you totally was not happy with my offering and I was like okay well that was all I could do today anyway that was just a little anecdote into you're not always going to be

00:12:17: treated nicely because you're trying to be a good person or alleviate your guilt whatever it is nice question always to ask which of those it is

00:12:25: so that was that my little organic food store story one more obvious one I've been practicing lately,

00:12:35: not just because I'm a yoga teacher but because even as a yoga teacher I tend to forget sometimes and that is are you still breathing.

00:12:45: Like for real I know anyone who opens it Instagram and follows any spiritual persona.

00:12:50: On their will have some sort of meme throughout the day that tells you to fucking breathe your way through it so I know this is one of the more conventional,

00:12:58: thoughts but it is hands down probably one of the most effective.

00:13:04: And I don't just mean any kind of breathing although any kind of breath that will stop you from.

00:13:09: Losing your shit is always a good investment in oxygen but I mean the kind of breath that.

00:13:17: Gives you a little window of time and usually what is it a quarter second you need before you blow up or before you lose control over a situation which by the way is always allowed because

00:13:29: these are strange times but it is that little time window and.

00:13:35: It doesn't always work for me but it works most of the time on most days to just slowly breathe in,

00:13:42: and be as interested in the out breath as you are on the in breath what do I mean by that the immediate relief,

00:13:51: of breathing in really taking in oxygen is easily felt,

00:13:55: even by those of us who aren't experienced breath or yoga practitioners but what we don't always focus on is the out-breath.

00:14:04: The in that feels good filling up the breath the breath and the body with new energy.

00:14:13: But the exhale.

00:14:16: Is another kind of magic because it immediately makes you slow down because we often shortened the Excel thinking as done already I want more inhale and yes of course the intake of new Energy new ideas breath whatever.

00:14:31: Is important I remember taking a yoga class in Forenza in them in Florence in Italy and I think the word for in-breath was in Spiro and the word for.

00:14:43: Out-breath was

00:14:45: beer or something like that but anyway inhaling Spirit exhaling spirit and I thought that was so beautiful and to really take this moment to inhale but especially prolong the exhale Because by the time that exhale is up

00:14:58: I can tell you from years and years of experience for myself and my students you will become ER so just remembering the inhale yes.

00:15:07: But the long therapeutic exhale.

00:15:16: And when you're done with that one

00:15:18: I can even feel it now your voice changes everything changes you can come to my next thought that I've been having that I've been returning to over and over because I read it in a book probably over a decade maybe 15 years ago and you've

00:15:32: probably heard of it too it's called The Four Agreements.

00:15:36: I don't even remember all four of them but I remember one very specifically in this context of keeping emotional distance and that is.

00:15:45: It's not personal in fact nothing is personal and I think.

00:15:53: I'm paraphrasing heavily now but I think what he comes up with in this one of The Four Agreements is that he says even if someone is pointing a gun to your head and is about to pull the trigger.

00:16:05: It's still not personal I was like that's true right ultimately.

00:16:13: If someone decides to put the literal or the proverbial gun to your head if you decide to do so to another person.

00:16:23: Does it really have something to do with that person did they really trigger your finger on your trigger.

00:16:30: And you know the answer to this already the answer is always personal history

00:16:35: or current circumstances whatever that is but it's not personal and I want to give you an example because this happened

00:16:44: a few days ago I'm walking down the street I'm coming home from my morning walk and there's this lady coming towards me she's wearing her mask outside so I can't really read her facial features and she says

00:16:56: good morning and I'm about to like call back good morning to you too like Yay you know it's gonna be a good day and she's like just so you know the system's going to shit and I was

00:17:06: uh was totally love

00:17:10: because she caught me in between two completely opposing emotions where one was like that Hardy you know in Germany it has this really like ring to like good modern you know you're like okay I'm up you know and then she says the whole systems go

00:17:24: interested another you know that could also be true what I think why that why did I just meet this person

00:17:30: how come she bark this truth or semi true that me or is it even true.

00:17:35: And I went through all these like little emotions nothing dramatic but I loved observing how for the next five minutes I was totally preoccupied with what this lady had hollered at me and I thought.

00:17:48: Yeah that's nothing personal.

00:17:50: This had nothing to do with me I made it my business in a non dramatic way but it wasn't my business that was not my narrative or sentiment or belief.

00:18:03: Or even my experience

00:18:05: it was hers this lady who does felt like she needed to shout this out and you know I don't know 8:30 in the morning and he'll why not I mean it's all up it's all up for grabs all this stuff at the moment anyway right but I just thought it's interesting

00:18:19: if we take back the notion that what happens to us is personal there's so much power in there,

00:18:29: because you can just disengage from entire conversations I want to say or accusations or circumstances where you feel attacked or unjustly treated or whatever it is

00:18:40: you don't have to take it personal I don't have to take it personal we can just be like okay so this is happening but it's none of my business.

00:18:49: And you know that that whole little sense I what is it they say what other people say about you is none of your business that's another thing that's part of this sort of thought but what I'm really interested in is too.

00:19:01: I keep telling myself that this is not personal this has everything to do with what this person is going through right now and even if they're criticizing me about something that I actually did wrong.

00:19:12: That still doesn't mean it's personal it just means that there's a conversation here about an action that I performed that was not agreed upon in some sort of away.

00:19:23: That makes it a lot less personal and I can accept the criticism that might have very rightfully been given to me so.

00:19:32: That.

00:19:33: Is most of what I wanted to say there's one last thought that I've had and something that I have practiced recently as well as that of none of this works.

00:19:44: We can ask ourselves can I just walk away from the situation literally and or figuratively can you just walk away.

00:19:52: Can you decide that you don't need to be here with this person in this job.

00:19:58: In this store buying this book from a clerk who's being an ass you know do you need to be here really or can you just walk away.

00:20:08: I think that's a really really interesting question that I continue to pursue these days.

00:20:14: Because I've found there are many situations that aren't going to have an impact if I stay and certainly not a positive one so just walk away.

00:20:24: Sort of bringing it back to the clubhouse conversation at the very beginning of this episode I switched off the app I don't need to engage with this person.

00:20:34: And I thought that was really helpful for me I hope some of these were helpful to you.

00:20:40: I would love to hear what it is you're doing these days to somehow keep the emotional balance with everything that is going on and more than anything else I hope you're well and.

00:20:51: Able to take care of yourself and your life and find minutes days where you can also see the other side of this because I do believe.

00:21:01: There is one if you'd like to get in touch with me please do my email is bitch breathe at GM x.com join us in our Facebook group which is also called bitch breathe if you have any ideas you'd like us to talk about

00:21:15: absolutely hit me up and please rate and review wherever you get your podcast looking forward to.

00:21:21: Music.