00:00:00: Music.

00:00:31: Fizz.

00:00:32: And there were quite a few were over I thought it was kind of funny how I had gone about it how I had walked into all the traps and.

00:00:42: Situations that apparently are very predictable and very common and I thought

00:00:47: that is just such a funny thing but jokes aside I will put out this disclaimer if you find yourself in a situation that is obviously physically on anyway dangerous to you you're obviously going to

00:01:02: get help and you know take care of yourself but that's not the kind of situation I'm going to talk about today.

00:01:10: So the title of the episode is narcissists welcome that was also going to be the title of the stand-up comedy hey maybe I'll still do it so

00:01:20: why am I going to talk about narcissists today I don't have a psychology degree what I do have fortunately or unfortunately

00:01:29: is a lot of experience maybe there's a narcissist inside me too and that's why I know about it a lot of times I just met them.

00:01:38: And didn't know that I had just made the acquaintance of a wonderfully self-involved guy to put it mildly so.

00:01:47: That brings me to my first point there's all kinds right I mean even though I thought mine some of mine it seemed to have read

00:01:54: in the handbook of narcissus 101 or something others were not so obvious to me I had very friendly

00:02:02: narcissist who weren't at all you know verbally abusive or mean or all the other things we buy now know about them in fact.

00:02:09: They were just very friendly and very negligent.

00:02:13: Which brings me to a self-care node if any of you knows me personally and you see me talking to a musician

00:02:19: for the love of God drop everything you're doing and get me out of that room because I am getting ready to ruin my life

00:02:27: okay that was my little Health disclaimer for me but for real now so there are other friendly narcissists who are just very self-involved a lot of times for me.

00:02:37: Like that story I just hinted at were musicians or artists or just people who had.

00:02:44: Incredibly interesting passions and talents and I was drawn to them like a moth

00:02:51: to the light just loved being in that Creative Energy of course sometimes they felt that they were inspired by me I mean how great is that

00:03:01: apropos being a narcissist yourself so there's just so much energy around this kind of person who often is very talented I also found that they were very charismatic a lot of times either super funny

00:03:18: Charming

00:03:19: knowledgeable intelligence was a huge sort of aphrodisiac for me I mean it still is I don't want to talk to a complete doofus

00:03:28: but I'm just saying it doesn't have to be like the thing and a lot of them had

00:03:35: quite a physical attraction to me not so much because they were physically attractive because a lot of times ironically they weren't but because of that energy right there's a certain charge to someone who's.

00:03:48: So single-minded and so focused on what they do or what they want to create

00:03:55: you know that's more than noble side there was also the kind that just love to hear himself talk keep in mind I realize I'm sitting in a bit of a glass house here because I have a podcast apparently I also like to hit myself.

00:04:07: But these guys would talk a lot and not say

00:04:11: so much so that was another thing that I sort of got caught up in at the beginning I didn't really notice and generally I thought later once I listened a little bit more closely to Fleetwood Mac's

00:04:25: dreams and I think it's Carly Simon's You're So Vain

00:04:30: I think generally speaking if your guy or your gal because I met women this way and who would like this to if they look in any way like the guy who's being described in those songs.

00:04:42: Beware is all I can say so I thought today I would talk a little bit about the.

00:04:51: Hmm the things to look out for.

00:04:54: I don't think this will necessarily save you from meeting them because it didn't save me because

00:05:02: if we keep being attracted to this kind of guy maybe you want to refer back to my second episode It's called little girls with daddy issues so if we have a lot of issues inside us that absolutely.

00:05:14: Offer up the fodder for a narcissist then knowing what they look like isn't going to help.

00:05:20: Right so I really am coming at this from more of a humorous angle today because.

00:05:27: I think there's a lot of actually very good literature out there are narcissists and I think they used to be an Instagram page about.

00:05:37: You know following a narcissist or something along those lines so there's a lot of very very good information out there about it and I don't feel hyper qualified to you know compete with that but there are a few things that.

00:05:51: Especially in one my longest term relationship I should say that could have been warning signs at the beginning.

00:05:59: I think even they came but they didn't fully register and we're at least then.

00:06:06: Still deciding to go ahead with this relationship I could have at least been on the lookout a little bit more a little bit more self-aware and a little bit.

00:06:17: Further into the recognition that there's a pattern.

00:06:23: I hate the idea of us in there because I always think everyone who we meet as a reflection of us unfortunately but I'm going to say they for now because I'm missing a better pronoun they often do

00:06:35: behave in similar ways there are things I discovered afterward that I thought

00:06:43: Jesus did he read the book like how could he possibly fulfill nine out of ten criteria for being the perfect narcissists so I want to talk a little bit about those but from my own perspective

00:06:57: because I think that's the most authentic service I can I can bring so with my guy it started out.

00:07:07: Like insanely romantically he.

00:07:13: He was a very smart guy not much of a you know not much to look at my mom would say.

00:07:21: At the beginning at least he sort of then reached his 40s and became you know that that cliche of men in their 40s and being more attractive but he wasn't at the beginning so it wasn't that sorry I just totally went off on the completely different track.

00:07:36: I know but so he was super charismatic and smart and he just.

00:07:43: Pursued me in a way that didn't make me suspicious I mean.

00:07:49: Maybe my ears should have perked up when he.

00:07:55: Pursued me in a very gentle way even though he was still in a relationship now keep in mind nothing ever happened I want to say that up front that we didn't have an affair.

00:08:05: But he started to we just started to sort of work together he would help me out with my CV and we would just throw e-mails back and forth we didn't even live in the same city so it all seemed super harmless and I didn't really think that this was going to.

00:08:19: Be anything it was just sort of.

00:08:21: A friendly it wasn't even a proper flirt at the beginning I want to say was just a friendly sort of banter but that should have been my first queue.

00:08:30: That this guy is in a relationship and to just think for a moment if my guy were sending these kind of emails or investing this amount of time in another woman.

00:08:39: That he might find attractive

00:08:41: then maybe I should be paying attention pay attention I however did not I just thought oh this is just a lovely little you know Exchange in an otherwise maybe dull day so.

00:08:55: If they're already in a relationship.

00:08:58: Obviously the most obvious one possibly a bad idea to further engage even on a friendly level when you feel like there's another pulse to the conversation so when.

00:09:10: It did become clear that he was fully romantically interested I tried to break off contact I felt that I had.

00:09:18: Gone way too far I felt super guilty there was a child on that side of the relationship that was on my mind but obviously for different reasons this didn't play as much a role for now and he decided to leave.

00:09:33: So

00:09:34: That happened very quickly and at the time I thought oh what a great guy he's just doing this so surgically clean so that nobody gets dragged into any sort of messy Affair thing or anything and.

00:09:49: We're just not going to do anything that is in any way ambiguous so I thought wow this guy is so in love with me I mean think about it he's going to leave his relationship

00:10:00: with this child in the picture for me I mean how many 10 times of great must I be for this really really interesting charismatic smart guy to leave

00:10:12: and what I probably can only guess is an equally interesting smart.

00:10:19: Partner so my whole idea of how great I am completely drowned out the noise that this decision should have made which was.

00:10:29: Wait how can he leave so quickly and with a baby involved or a small child in the picture.

00:10:37: That's that's a little strange isn't it but because he had never alluded to any marriage problems before I thought.

00:10:44: Oh he just thought I was you know the woman of his dreams and that's why he's leaving so happily sort of dormant in this illusion.

00:10:53: We did become a couple and he very very quickly talked about moving in permanently and wanting to marry me

00:11:00: me I'm thinking

00:11:03: wow this guy is really serious he's talking marriage this is not one of those guys who's a complete commitment phobic he's real he's dedicated to me wow

00:11:16: this is it I just I pretty much hit the jackpot here because this guy is totally for real.

00:11:23: Then I read about it later and then I thought about it more importantly later.

00:11:28: Who in the world claims within the first couple weeks of being with you that you're the woman of their dreams and they want to marry you I mean I get the whole

00:11:39: honeymoon phase and everyone's in love and you know there are strong words even stronger emotions we've all been there we've all done it hopefully.

00:11:49: Maybe not so fortunately several times that's totally fine of course you're in love and their hormones are all over the fucking place right but if someone

00:11:59: who's already in their early to mid-30s and so are you talking about this kind of lifelong commitment that quickly.

00:12:08: Some alarm system should be jumping on right about now add a really loud amplitude so there was my other q that just totally didn't hit me at all again

00:12:20: I've got my own responsibility in there right like I thought I was so great that I had completely

00:12:26: I mean the guy was basically seeing God because I suddenly showed up on the stage so that was another little misunderstanding.

00:12:35: The other thing that I would have liked to have noticed but I didn't was.

00:12:42: That guy just took over my life he completely took care of me he began to manage me professionally he would always send me

00:12:51: presents if I had a new interest he would send me a present related to that he would

00:12:57: it cook he would really really you know help with my kid and was very involved and engage in this whole family thing and really sort of honing in on this whole family unit thing really really fast and I thought

00:13:11: wow.

00:13:13: I'm finally going to be in a proper family like with someone who's committed to me and my child who loves my son it seems so perfect I mean.

00:13:23: I think.

00:13:24: Oh yes now I remember I should have probably also been aware that he said something to me that totally also just flew over my head he said you know single moms are really.

00:13:35: The easiest women and I looked at him at the time I said oh that's really mean and he said no I know I don't mean it mean but they're just super grateful it doesn't matter what you do they just are so grateful that you're there.

00:13:50: Now if that is not a warning sign like hello here's a bouquet of 10 red flags would you like it I'm like nah I'm good we're fine over here so.

00:14:02: He actually said to me how easier prey I was and here I was thinking oh man he's really smart I'm so glad.

00:14:11: He doesn't mean Me by that

00:14:13: like I didn't think he meant me that's how in love and grateful he was so right and grateful I was for him showing up in my life so here's whole idea of taking care of me of really integrating and installing himself in my family

00:14:27: it was such a great thing and it was such a control mechanism

00:14:32: because now he had me by the short and curlies right he was managing and therefore controlling really every aspect of my life that was important it was a friendly control

00:14:43: for the very longest of times and I didn't even notice I was so happy to give up my

00:14:49: chores some of them happy to hand over the responsibility I had been making my own decisions for so long and my own decisions for me and my child I was just happy to delegate and I didn't see any danger in it

00:15:04: now some of you are probably sitting there right now I'm thinking and like girl what is your problem how did you not recognize some of the things he's doing but.

00:15:13: To my own defense if you've ever been in love and a single long and.

00:15:20: Also really really influence by Hollywood so if all those things come together then maybe maybe you'd have found yourself in the same situation I hope not but yeah I just wanted to send that ahead.

00:15:34: Another little sign.

00:15:37: Actually this is a really big one and it's one it's a tool actually that I have been using around people in general ever since I came to know it and that is how do you feel.

00:15:49: After this person is over so this was specifically interesting when I was dating another guy who was one of my friendly or narcissists.

00:15:58: And musician so he would.

00:16:03: Promise me things that were just so great and I kept telling myself girl you have no right to believe in his promises he's made a lot of empty promises before don't even listen but.

00:16:14: Promises he would still make and then he would write a song about me and I was younger obviously

00:16:21: actually it happened to me again when I was older to be honest and there was all this sort of energy around me me me and here comes my narcissistic thing right where I was just like wow this guy is like totally I'm like his Muse or something.

00:16:35: See why I wanted to make this a comedy I'm laughing so hard about this sometimes because I feel like

00:16:41: I'm going to have to laugh about just how foolish I acted sometimes because otherwise I would just would just

00:16:46: you know have a cry about it all day every day but so he has this friendly narcissists would lift me to the heavens you know he would tell me how smart I was.

00:16:59: He would share his thoughts with me what was not working in his life and I would coach him through it because that was the kind of gal I was let me fix this guy he's obviously this broken artist type the guy needs my earthy help and so

00:17:15: I stayed in that for a while in this trap of you know being valuable because now I'm helping somebody but when we.

00:17:23: Separated I mean when we left for that day or whatever I felt really drained I felt lonely I felt

00:17:31: Mt there was this vacuous sort of space and I drowned in it I would cry because I never knew when was I going to see him next because we were never able to make plans and he didn't plan a way in advance he would just call me that day and be like hey you want to hang out and so I felt so so

00:17:51: abandoned when the guy was gone that I would just cry and slip into.

00:17:57: Light depressions every time until my next fix came at this point now and that brings me to my next point it was like a junkie and I think this sort of behavior is described a lot when it comes to being involved

00:18:11: with narcissists

00:18:13: so this is also my last point if you are constantly on this extreme high and an extreme low then chances are

00:18:23: you have yourself a full-fledged narcissist on your hands because if they're not giving back if there's no give.

00:18:31: Parallel to the take then you're the one offering it up you're the one who's serving you're always available or you know.

00:18:39: Trying to help out and so but keep in mind that if you don't feel good after you've sort of broken up for the day or left each other.

00:18:49: Something's not right and your system is telling you that this guy is draining you he's not good for you or this woman I also dated a woman who was heavy heavy with the narcissistic behavior

00:19:02: so it's really it's really a matter of what is your feeling after they leave don't analyze it too much.

00:19:10: Just just look at it do you feel energized do you feel inspired do you want to go about your own life do you have energy.

00:19:20: Right so all these questions if you have to answer those with a no.

00:19:26: You're probably in a really really dire situation with a narcissist there.

00:19:32: So I'm probably going to make a second episode I just thought about it now about this because I think there's so much to say

00:19:40: and I also want to listen to your comments or read some of your comments for us and maybe integrate them into our next episode because I think this.

00:19:48: Subject though I now can laugh about it a lot at the time it wasn't very funny at all

00:19:55: it was really hard to get away from them and to actually end up leaving them which is what I did so I really want to have a good a solid conversation.

00:20:05: Preferably with you and your comments about this so I hope you're in a situation where you can also find some humor about the kinds of encounters that you've had

00:20:17: and maybe you want to share some anecdotes with me with us on the Facebook group that we have it's called bitch breathe or please feel free to write to me I have an email address for you it's bitch breathe at GM x.com

00:20:33: if you happen to speak German Tuesday nights on clubhouse that new app that's especially in Germany everybody's super into I have a room with another woman a good friend of mine Karina

00:20:46: I'll say the German name because it'll only make sense if you speak German Zoe influence Emma

00:20:51: and it's every Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. Berlin time I would love for you to join us there because we also talked about topics that we feel hopefully are helpful to women but also men

00:21:04: especially at this time

00:21:06: of the pandemic alrighty so I really really hope to hear from you I would can't wait to hear if you have any stories or a little wisdoms maybe you want to share

00:21:16: until.

00:21:16: Music.