00:00:00: Music.

00:00:07: And welcome back to another episode of bitch breathe my name is ricardia so today we're going to continue our discussion about the marriage myth and this episode is about.

00:00:21: All the myths that surround a marriage ending

00:00:25: so if you'd like to know more about what I talked about in the last episode where we talked about all the myths that are around a marriage while still being married then go ahead and listen to that episode first otherwise I'm happy you here and today I want to talk about

00:00:41: like I said all the myths that surround a marriage that has ending so.

00:00:48: When a marriage ends and I'm going to do a couple of episodes on The Break-Up

00:00:53: by the way so stay tuned for those but when a marriage ends it feels nothing less than tragic for the most part right I mean unless it was a Vegas marriage and you were terribly drunk and you don't know this person and you need to get the thing an old then it's probably very dramatic and,

00:01:11: sad and to be honest having gone through it twice I've been married twice and,

00:01:18: divorce twice I had no idea just how much it would hurt I had been in longer term relationships outside my marriage has so I didn't necessarily,

00:01:29: anticipated being that difficult in fact when my second marriage ended.

00:01:36: I thought I was going to feel nothing but Liberation like you know good riddance to a bad situation and

00:01:43: you know now you can do all these things and be all these women that you didn't really get to do because everything went dormant when you were married and so there were all these ideas of how life by myself was going to be and mostly they were positive because I.

00:01:59: I thought well it's can't really get a whole lot worse than the last couple of years of this marriage so I was pretty optimistic even if I was very very sad.

00:02:11: Again I'll talk about how to cope with a breakup especially after a longer-term relationship and if there were children involved or whatever in other episodes.

00:02:21: And this one I want to focus on all the ideas that we have around it that really.

00:02:26: Can often keep us prisoner of a situation keep us Hostage to a circumstance that no longer serves as an enemy that is in fact quite detrimental to our well-being.

00:02:39: Our physical health even and certainly our mental health so the first myth that I wanted to.

00:02:47: Share with you today is the idea that well we stay together this long there's a history here I can't leave now.

00:02:57: The only word I have for you there is why.

00:03:01: Like just because you stayed together for a very long time you know have to stay together an even longer time and be miserable and the overarching idea of this of many of the myths that I've been debunking and that I will debunk is that.

00:03:16: We somehow seem to feel that we're going to live forever.

00:03:20: But that is not true and if you want to talk about death with me go back to one of my older episodes where I talk about age and dying but what I'm trying to say is just because we got married doesn't mean we now compromise short and orange.

00:03:35: It all together delete our dreams and.

00:03:41: Hopes for this life and so if you're staying together because there's so much history,

00:03:47: have you forgotten that you are still one person and that maybe there are dreams and hopes there that still want to be discovered because if you haven't forgotten those

00:03:57: then why would one stay in a relationship that isn't allowing us to have that freedom and if we stay because they're such a history.

00:04:07: We're just going to continue to pile on years of History,

00:04:12: that just really sucks and why so we can tell people hey we've been married ten years fifteen years or

00:04:20: so that we can feel good about not having failed at this experiment and that is what marriage is an experiment or what are some of the ideas we are holding on to,

00:04:31: so that we don't leave what is it we think is going to happen going forward if it didn't happen for us in the past,

00:04:39: if things haven't changed in a very very long time even though you've dug in you put in the work you've changed yourself I mentioned this as the last myth in my last episode that

00:04:51: things don't always have to stay the same things can develop well again in a marriage but if they haven't.

00:04:57: Despite the fact that you feel you both or you alone have done everything that was humanly possible then maybe.

00:05:05: Even if not right now because we only know ourselves when we're ready but maybe it's time.

00:05:12: To have a new history one of your own one that might not resemble anything that the marriage was and maybe that's not a bad thing.

00:05:21: Myth number two the children will be scarred for life if we break up.

00:05:28: Boy did I hold on to this one I was so sure that my son our son was going to be one of those people who was just going to have a horrible adult.

00:05:40: Romantic life and obviously the jury is still out on that the kids.

00:05:46: Only just going to be turning 21 soon so of course I don't know is he going to fuck up every relationship because Mom and Dad just couldn't get their act together I don't know that what I do know.

00:05:58: Is that I have a really really good relationship with my son and so does his father

00:06:05: we each contribute to this relationship to our son that we share together in very different ways and of course we've made mistakes and of course

00:06:14: it's very very hard,

00:06:17: for children when the marriage ends I'm not going to lie to you about that I'm not going to make it sound better but what I want to say is that happy.

00:06:27: Children are possible after marriage has failed as you might have guessed it always has to do with how we communicate with our children

00:06:37: my son asked me all the tough questions I remember we even left the country that we shared with his father.

00:06:46: Something that I didn't decide easily and that I questioned for several years after that and the questions my son asked me.

00:06:58: We're really really tough and he said to me and he was only four years old I remember it so precisely four years and three months old I think and he says Mommy I understand that you and Daddy don't get along anymore.

00:07:11: But why did you have to move apart why did you have to leave New York and.

00:07:20: That these questions will come the children they will ask them if you have a good relationship they'll feel safe enough to ask them if you always talk to them they'll be even eloquent,

00:07:30: like my son as four years old and I've experienced many children by now that age who are really really conscious and and woke they get it and those questions yes they will come however

00:07:42: that also means they've opened up a space for you to see okay they want to have an explanation they're ready for an explanation let's give them that.

00:07:52: And so that is what I did I said sweetheart you're right I wish I could have stayed but it wasn't going to be financially possible for me at the time.

00:08:02: And I was very very unhappy in the country of my choice at that time very unhappy and to this day I firmly believe.

00:08:11: I'm probably going to get a lot of heat from the male species now but I firmly believe that happy Mom's make happy children and

00:08:19: even though I still love my first husband the father of my child very much were very good friends I knew that the only way I was going to be a happy mom was if,

00:08:28: was a happy mom separate from Dad.

00:08:31: So now here we are this is 1617 years ago that this happened and I can only say that my son and I have a great have a great.

00:08:44: Relationship he understands a lot he's has a lot of empathy and a big heart,

00:08:50: he did make the joke the other day while mom is just say I'm a whole lot more realistic about marriage because of Well my two marriages and then his father also,

00:09:02: got married again so of course he's a little more exposed to reality then maybe I would have wished for and in my ideal image I would have

00:09:11: always loved to have stayed I wanted that.

00:09:15: In quotes I'm going to put this now normal life so so badly I didn't have it and I certainly wanted that for my son so I stayed.

00:09:24: For a very very long time because I was worried that he'd be scarred for life if I didn't so that was a very long.

00:09:34: Response to myth number two that children will be scarred for life I can only say from my experience from many many girlfriends and friends who are divorced that that has not proven to be true.

00:09:47: Take heart if you are indeed looking at a separation there

00:09:52: myth number three are but we have a house together a dog we already mentioned the children bank accounts it's just too complicated and you know I just don't think it's the right time to do this how am I going to do this that or the other

00:10:06: this I will say from my own experience and the sing to my friends.

00:10:11: Is just a weak excuse I'm sorry that's all it is if you know it's time to go then certainly the real estate the bank account

00:10:18: none of that should matter yes it's a bitch to get this shit disentangled don't get me wrong it's like a nightmare by the time you've actually gotten it all together absolutely but that's what you get people for

00:10:30: you get your friends who have already been divorced or separated they know how it's done you get a really good tax person to help you out with that you get all the professional,

00:10:39: and emotional advice that you need all the support that is going to be required for you to keep your wits about you.

00:10:46: And then you do it you leave the house you leave the bank account and you will be fine.

00:10:52: Right I'm not saying go ahead and do all this without a plan no have a plan definitely have a plan but don't stay because you haven't even begun to make that plan.

00:11:02: Okay myth number four I can't leave now,

00:11:08: I'm too old I'm too young I'm fat I'm sick he's sick she's sick I'm too poor and are these some of these arguments are really valid and.

00:11:21: I really don't have an answer for all those circumstances especially where a compromise health is involved I don't.

00:11:31: Ever for a moment when to pretend that I would know what to do if I got really sick in a long-term relationship and I wanted to leave or if my spouse was really sick and I wanted to leave.

00:11:42: Right that's.

00:11:44: That's like that's a really really challenging situation and every time we hear about it you'd probably come to a different conclusion so I don't want to advocate in terms of the health issue but.

00:11:57: I can speak to a another one of those arguments the too old the too young.

00:12:03: Or a fad or feeling unattractive or poverty even poverty is another one I don't want to speak too too much because that's up to you to know what you can do financially.

00:12:12: And to get the right advice before you make any move but mine was I'm too old.

00:12:19: And I'm not feeling like I can play the feel the way I used to and the truth is I couldn't I couldn't play the field the way I used to because I had changed

00:12:28: I was no longer who I was before my first marriage and certainly not before my second but the idea of staying,

00:12:37: because we think were to this that or the other already speaks too.

00:12:43: Dependency you are depending on this person for validation.

00:12:48: Maybe Financial Freedom again I don't want to talk about the hell thing but that's also something that wants to be looked at maybe but if we're in this kind of dependency.

00:12:59: We're not free I'm going to go ahead and just Proclaim that and if we're not free.

00:13:05: Then we have to ask ourselves who's life is that is this is it still mine or have I given up all of who I am and what I think life should be.

00:13:16: Because of this marriage and that's the root of this myth that I want to get to not to leave to up and leave no matter what's going on.

00:13:25: Absolutely not advocating that but to look at what keeps you there what beliefs.

00:13:32: And fake mantras you have in your head that make you stay,

00:13:38: right whether it's the validation the I don't have the strength or whatever it's not true I thought I didn't have the strength I thought I was too old

00:13:48: I thought I wasn't attractive a good match

00:13:52: for anyone anymore because I felt so traumatized by everything that had that had gone on and none of it was true.

00:13:58: None of it was true so just to look at what is holding you back what false beliefs you are cultivating and then maybe.

00:14:09: Getting a good coach getting a good friend or one of my favorite all times ask Mom if those are really true.

00:14:18: And if they're not what kind of new truth emerges from that.

00:14:24: And the last one sort of piggybacks on the previous one I'll be lonely forever.

00:14:31: So after I realized that ending my marriage was going to be a lot more painful than I thought in came a defeated necess a.

00:14:43: Desperation and grief because I thought well I guess that was it

00:14:49: you only get so many chances girl you already fucked up two marriages I don't know that God has space for you to let you try yet again not just that marriage but at a long-term relationship I felt scarred traumatized doubtful I had huge trust issues and absolutely

00:15:10: very little experience being single I thought this was going to suck and to be honest

00:15:15: it really did it sucked for what felt like a really long time I was so lonely

00:15:22: and I don't want to sort of say that I was the loneliest person I knew but for a time for being I was the loneliest person that I knew and I thought this was going to stay forever

00:15:33: that's just a thought in our heads right I wasn't lonely forever.

00:15:39: It took a while and this of course will vary for each and every one of us but the truth is.

00:15:47: In the place of loneliness First Step the recognition that I could get out of this and still be okay.

00:15:53: That I could not have a spouse and still be okay.

00:15:58: And now that I do have another boyfriend a partner that I would have the,

00:16:06: courage to go for this again and to not make it just something I do because I don't want to be lonely that's not what this is right that also can happen and

00:16:16: we can talk to any about rebounds and stuff in some other in some other episode but the truth is you won't always be lonely and if that is the only thing that holds you back,

00:16:25: is the fear of loneliness then I'm

00:16:28: I beseech you to go and experiment with it because what comes out once we've gone through that murky dark place.

00:16:38: Of loneliness and Solitude what comes out on the other side is.

00:16:47: Definitely worth the fight

00:16:49: definitely worth going through that Valley and seeing all the dark sides that is us and all the darkness that yeah life can indeed you know serve up sometimes so that was the last myth

00:17:03: on yeah what happens when marriage ends I would really love to hear from you if you're.

00:17:13: One of the people who have already gone through a divorce or the separation in a long-term relationship I'd love to hear what you discovered when you separated or

00:17:23: what you discovered while you were still together I have a Facebook page now it's called bitch breathe you can easily find it there on Facebook I'll pop it in the show notes

00:17:32: if you'd like to write to me more privately please do at bitch breathe that GM x.com and please don't forget to rate and review.

00:17:42: The podcast that house me so so much when you let other people know that you enjoyed listening.

00:17:47: Wherever you get your podcast until then whether you are in a marriage or outside of it I hope you're well.

00:17:55: Music.